Jokes [Archive] - We Are Perth Forum

garydavidson

31-01-2006, 02:05 AM

i must say all my jokes are supplied by firend in junk emails!! any way here goes

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko
drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already
asleep.

He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his
bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" Demanded
Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".
The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St
Peter".

Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!!
That can't be, I have so
much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to
send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a
catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devasted,
but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be
sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers
and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he
thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how
are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".

"Never" replies Brian

"Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg
pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over
him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood
for thefirst time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you're sh*tting the bed"

Phil

31-01-2006, 12:44 PM

That's just rank :***:

Mr.Sheep

31-01-2006, 11:00 PM

Wife walks into the livingroom naked. Hubby asked "whats going on?". Wife says "this is my love dress!!!" Hubby says " Well go and F$&king iron it!!!!!!"

Kevin

03-02-2006, 01:36 PM

Rules of Manhood Its Funny cos its true

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella

2: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a staggie may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a friend's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your friend's birthday is strictly optional.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel ... and it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing, i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox 360. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever

Steve Maskrey

03-02-2006, 01:48 PM

Nice one, Kevin :***:

What's the difference between PMT and CJD?

One attacks the cow's brain and sends it mental, the other is an agricultural problem

garydavidson

03-02-2006, 08:24 PM

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever
wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We
have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over
100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% ! in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might h! elp you answer
these
questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented
as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 2526.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% !

and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard
work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you
there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put
you over the
top.

garydavidson

03-02-2006, 08:58 PM

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
>g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have
zeroco-ordination.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to wee in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
k) Nude run? Not for me thanks.

garydavidson

03-02-2006, 09:13 PM

guess who is clearing out their email account??

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack Upon getting home he announces to
his wife the purchase he's just made. "Olympic condoms?", she
blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There are three colours", he
replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What colour are you going to
wear tonight?", she asks cheekily. "Gold of course", says the man
proudly.
The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be
nice if you came second for a change!"

In Liverpool, the makers of Fairy Liquid are about to run a new
advert.
It's on the same basic format: Small Child: "Mummy, why are your
hands so soft?" Mother: "Because I'm twelve."

Three male mice were sitting at a bar with three shots of tequila
and arguing about how tough they wereThe first mouse said, "I'm so
tough I break into the
cupboard just to eat the rat poison. "He slammed down his tequila
and looked at the second mouse.
The second mouse replied, "That's nothing, I'm so tough I run
through a mouse trap, grab the cheese, flip onto my back &
benchpress the killer springed trapwire. " He slammed down his
tequila and looked at the third mouse.
The third mouse slammed down his tequila, slid off his stool and
began walking away from the bar.
The other mice screamed, "Hey, Softy, where do you think you're
going?!!"
The third mouse replied, "Home to sh*g the cat."

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual checkup. The
doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never
felt better. I have an
18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think
about that?" The doctor considers his question for a minute and
says, "I have a friend who is
an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going
out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella
rather than his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver
sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his umbrella and went;
"Bang, bang," and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of
that?"
The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for
a little fireside chat.
He says Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our
honeymoon
suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said,
Here honey, try these on. So she did and said, Well sweetie they're
a little too big, I can't wear them. So I replied, exactly. I wear
the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night
we have never had any problems.
Hmmm... says Jack.
He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So, on his honeymoon
Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, Here babe, try these on.
So she does and says, These are too large, they don't fit me. So
Jack says, ...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always
will, and I don't want you to ever forget that. Then Jill takes off
her knickers and hands them to Jack and says, Here, you try on mine.
So he does and says, I can't get into your knickers. So Jill says,
Exactly. And if you don't change your f***king attitude, You never
will.

garydavidson

03-02-2006, 09:17 PM

A young boy went up to his father and asked, "What is the
difference between potentially' and 'realistically'?
The father pondered for a while, then answered "Go and ask
your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million
pounds. Also, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a
million pounds.
Come back and tell me what you have learned."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert
Redford for a million pounds?" The mother replied, "Of course I
would.
I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."
The boy then went to his sister and said, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million pounds?" The girl replied, "Oh gosh!! I would
just
love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!!"
The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went
back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the
difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on two
million pounds, realistically we're living with two slappers."

The father replied, "That's my boy!"

************************************************** **********************

A teacher asks her class,
"If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them,
how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny.
He replies,"None, they all fly away with the
first gun shot"

The teacher replies
"The correct answer is 4,
but I like your thinking."

Then Little Johnny says
"I have a question for YOU.
There are three women
sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of
the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top
and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied,
"Well I suppose the one that's
gobbled down the top and sucked the cone"
To which Little Johnny replied,
"The correct answer is the one with the
wedding ring on,... but I like your thinking."

************************************************** **********************

Math Class
Little Johnny returns from school
and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"
But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the ****ing difference?" asks the father.
That's what I said!

English
Little Johnny goes to school,
and the teacher says, 'Today we are going
to learn multi-syllable words, class.
Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny waves his hand,
'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'
Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny,
what is your multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says,
'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'
Little Johnny says,
'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".

************************************************** **********************

Beautiful
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar,
the teacher asked for a show
of hands from those who could use the word
"beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with,
"My father bought my mother a beautiful dress
and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet
and it turned out beautifully," he said.
"Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.
"Last night, at the dinner table,
my sister told my father that she was pregnant,
and he said, 'Beautiful, ......just ****ing beautiful!'"

************************************************** **********************

An Englishman, Irishman, and a Scotsman went for a round of golf; their
wives went along as caddies.

While walking around the golf course the Englishman's wife caught
her foot in a rabbit hole, fell over landing with her skirt up over her
head, revealing that she was wearing NO KNICKERS!!

The Englishman stormed over angrily demanding a reason for her extreme
undress. 'Well darling,' she explained 'you give me such little
allowance and I have to make the odd sacrifice and usually no
one notices.' The Englishman thrust his hands into his pocket and
gave her a ten pound note to go to Marks & Spencer to buy some
knickers.

Two holes further along the Irishman's wife fell over a molehill,
tripped up, landed in a heap on the ground. Again, her skirt was up over
her head exposing all and revealing NO KNICKERS!! The Irishman was livid
and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of
undergarments. 'Well darling,' she explained, 'you give me such
little allowance I simply cannot afford undergarments.' The Irishman
thrust his hands into his pockets and said, 'Here's a fiver. Go to
Woolworth's and get some knickers woman.'

Three holes further on, the Scotsman's wife caught her foot on an
exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt up over her
head revealing that she too was wearing NO KNICKERS!! Her
explanation was the same, lack of allowance. The Scotsman thrust his hand into his
pocket and said 'Here's a comb, at least tidy yerself up a wee
bit!!!!!

pezza70

06-02-2006, 12:37 AM

Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and
says:
Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a
headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll
find
that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

pezza70

06-02-2006, 03:44 AM

LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT MORNING. I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME.

AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY BIRTHDAY."

I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL REMEMBER.MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD. SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT DESPONDENT.
AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING, BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED. I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."

I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY.
LET'S GO!" WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO. WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY
ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY... WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?"
I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?"
SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."
AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK."

"OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.

SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT; CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE... FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".

AND I JUST SAT THERE...

ON THE COUCH...

NAKED.

pezza70

16-03-2006, 09:47 PM

On a tour of Australia, the Pope took a few days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing an English rugby jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark.

As the Pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing Wallabies rugby jerseys. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while the other two reached out and pulled the blue, semi-conscious Pommie fan from the water. Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there were some bitter hatreds between Australian and English rugby fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies, "Who was that?"

"It was the Pope" one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well" the harpooner said, "he may have access to God and his wisdom, but he doesn't know jack about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up OK or do we need to get another one?"

Kevin

17-03-2006, 08:36 AM

Here's one for St Patrick's Day :***:

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside
me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,
he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and
the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Kevin

17-03-2006, 12:05 PM

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland"

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about in Ireland might you be from?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, in what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."

Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again"

:***: :***: :***: :***: :***:

blueheaven

17-03-2006, 12:15 PM

Why was Tigger cross?

Because he stepped on Pooh.

lethamsaintee

17-03-2006, 10:08 PM

While I was driving down the A90 today, (going a little faster than I
should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait. The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk, asked: "Runway too short?" to which I replied, "I'm so sorry Officer but I am late for work" To which he asked, "What do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded. The copper was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up
to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, Work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet." Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?" To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Speeding ticket: Ã‚Â£105.00
Penalty Points : 3
Court costs: Ã‚Â£45
Look on copper's face: Priceless

LewGti

19-03-2006, 07:23 PM

Kelvin Jack :wink:

pezza70

20-03-2006, 01:27 AM

>A chicken farmer goes into a local tavern, takes a seat at the bar
> >next to a female patron and orders a glass of champagne.
> >
> >The woman perks up and says "How about that? I just ordered a glass
> >of champagne, too!"
> >
> >He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day
> >for me. I'm celebrating."
> >
> >"This is a special day for me too and I'm also celebrating!" says the
> >woman.
> >
> >"What a coincidence." says the man.
> >
> >
> They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
> >
> >"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today my
> >gynaeocologists told me I'm pregnant!"
> >
> >"What a coincidence," says the man, "I'm a chicken farmer. For years
> >all my hens were infertile but today they're finally fertile."
> >
> >"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become
> >fertile?"
> >
> >"I switched cocks." he replied.
> >
> >"What a coincidence," she said

lethamsaintee

28-03-2006, 01:36 PM

Ethel loved to speed in her wheelchair and charge around the
nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed
on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor
when a door opened and Cooky Clarence stepped out with his arm
outstretched "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice.
"Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat
wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped
down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel,
Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you
got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a
drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand.

"Oh, good grief," said Ethel,

Not the breathalyser again!"

dunblanemike

29-03-2006, 09:14 PM

Edward was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Sparky, Captain of Industry etc, but Edward was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll goout with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Edward aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No" said Edward, "He plays Rugby for England but I was just too embarrassed to say."

chopper

30-03-2006, 09:09 AM

To find a woman you need time and money therefore:

Woman = Time x Money

According to sources "Time is money" thus:

Time = Money

Therefore woman equals time x money which is money x money so:

Woman = money squared

Now money is the root of all problems

Money = root of problems

therefore Woman equals the root of problems to the power of 2, with the root and the square cancelling each other out you get:

Woman = problems

:wink:

StDuncM

04-04-2006, 10:08 AM

A motorist, on his way home from work in Westminster came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual.
After a short while, he noticed a Police Officer walking towards him, between the lines of stopped cars. He rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the hold up?" the Constable replied: - "Tony Blair is depressed, so he stopped his motorcar and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire." "He says no one believes his stories;

about why we went to war in Iraq,

or that there is no pensions crisis,

or the worsening economy,

or that constant adding of stealth taxes,

or that his education reforms are going to do any good,

or that the health service is safe in his hands,

or that immigration is under control,

or that he's not George Bush's lapdog,

or that his Party's proposed tax cuts won't help anyone except his wealthy friends,
or that his chairmanship of the European Community hasn't just led to more power being surrendered to the French ........

So we're taking up a collection for him.
Thoughtfully, the man asks, "How much have you got so far?"
The Officer replies, "About forty gallons, but a lot of people are still siphoning........"

Saintkev

04-04-2006, 10:13 AM

Why do mice have tiny balls?

Cus not many are good at dancing!

Kevin

04-04-2006, 01:07 PM

Top 5 Winning Smart Ass Answers For 2005
_____

Smart Ass Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed at her.

Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

*****************
Smart Ass Answer #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

*******************
Smart Ass Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

*******************
Smart Ass Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

*******************
#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2005.......................

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said

"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

StDuncM

10-04-2006, 07:09 PM

Sent to my partner by her friend. I laughed!

OBEDIENT WIFE

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his
money, and was a real miser.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take
all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he
died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting
there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished
the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket,
the wife said, " Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the
casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that
money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied," Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my
word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket
with him."

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!"I "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Send this to every clever female you know. All you female Saintees will like this.

Kevin

13-04-2006, 09:04 PM

Carling's best pub team in the world

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-3219386766071397128&q=carlsberg

Finners

14-04-2006, 01:10 PM

Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."

Wee Jock (a typical Scottish twang) thinks, "Ya bassa. Am pure dead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff. This is gonnae be a dawdle, come on! lang weekend fir me.'

Teacher: "Right class, who can tell me who said 'Don't ask what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Wee Jock shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front.

Teacher: "Yes, Jeremy."

Jeremy (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy -
inauguration speech 1960."

Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday."

The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jock is even more determined.

Teacher: "Who said.Ã‚â€™we will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?'"

Wee Jock's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know. Me Miss, me Miss."

Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: "Yes Timothy."

Timothy (In a very, very posh, English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech."

Teacher: Ã‚â€œVery good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday."

The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jock is hyper, he's been studying encyclopedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes.

He's coiled in his wee chair, slavers dripping in anticipation.

Teacher: "Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind'?"

Wee Jock's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Miss, me miss, meeeeee!"

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front: "Yes Rupert."

Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plumy English accent: "Yes miss that was Neil Armstrong. 1969, the first moon landing."

Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday."

Wee Jock loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming: "For **** Sake WHERE did all these English bastards come from?"

Teacher looking round the class: "Who the hell said that?"

Wee Jock, grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746. See yous on Tuesday."

erchie

09-05-2006, 08:09 PM

whats the difference beetween a hare and a rabbit ? you cant pull a rabbit out yer erse ! :oops:

chopper

09-05-2006, 10:44 PM

What have John Prescott and MFI got in common?

A couple of screws in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart!!!

Kevin

10-05-2006, 08:46 AM

What have John Prescott and MFI got in common?

A couple of screws in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart!!!

Now that IS funny :***:

erchie

10-05-2006, 05:52 PM

aye credit whaur credit is due ! belter chopper ! :D

StDuncM

19-05-2006, 08:52 PM

An old lady explains to the doctor, "I am farting constantly, but strangely there is no smell, and I never make a sound. Infact, during the past few minutes, while I have been talking to you I have farted about 20 times."
"I see", said the doctor, "I want you to take these tablets and see me again in 2
weeks"
2 weeks later......"I don't know what you gave me doctor, but I am still constantly farting. I still do not make a sound, but the smell is terrible!"
"Right", said the doctor, "Now that your sinuses are sorted out, let's do something about your hearing" :***: :***:

perthsaint1884

19-05-2006, 08:58 PM

what goes BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP?

the arsenal teams open top bus reversing back into the garage :***:

Finners

20-05-2006, 08:51 PM

Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."

Wee Jock (a typical Scottish twang) thinks, "Ya bassa. Am pure dead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff. This is gonnae be a dawdle, come on! lang weekend fir me.'

Teacher: "Right class, who can tell me who said 'Don't ask what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Wee Jock shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front.

Teacher: "Yes, Jeremy."

Jeremy (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy -
inauguration speech 1960."

Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday."

The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jock is even more determined.

Teacher: "Who said.Ã‚â€™we will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?'"

Wee Jock's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know. Me Miss, me Miss."

Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: "Yes Timothy."

Timothy (In a very, very posh, English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech."

Teacher: Ã‚â€œVery good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday."

The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jock is hyper, he's been studying encyclopedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes.

He's coiled in his wee chair, slavers dripping in anticipation.

Teacher: "Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind'?"

Wee Jock's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Miss, me miss, meeeeee!"

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front: "Yes Rupert."

Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plumy English accent: "Yes miss that was Neil Armstrong. 1969, the first moon landing."

Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday."

Wee Jock loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming: "For f**k Sake WHERE did all these English b*stards come from?"

Teacher looking round the class: "Who the hell said that?"

Wee Jock, grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746. See yous on Tuesday."

Tranmere Saintee

21-05-2006, 08:11 AM

Finners

21-05-2006, 01:55 PM

Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday." ..etc

You out on the pop yesterday? - we all enjoyed this joke when you posted it last month :roll: :***:

I know! I totally forgot i posted that one :oops:

Tranmere Saintee

21-05-2006, 04:02 PM

I know! I totally forgot i posted that one :oops:

Well, for your penance you need to come up withone as good as that one - and remember I am English and thought that was a cracker :***:

Finners

21-05-2006, 10:41 PM

I know! I totally forgot i posted that one :oops:

Well, for your penance you need to come up withone as good as that one - and remember I am English and thought that was a cracker :***:

:? , give me a while..........

Tranmere Saintee

22-05-2006, 07:36 PM

In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, and green, yellow and red
vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy
lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said "You want chocolate with that?" and Man said "Yes!" and Woman said "and while you're at it add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14

So God said "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in
which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and
chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Cake" and
said "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it
"Devil's Food".

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with
nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy
centre into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its #1 double
cheeseburger. Then said "You want fries with that?" and Man replied "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said "it is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created the National Health Service.

Thought for the day ...........

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040 there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

dunblanemike

22-05-2006, 08:00 PM

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young pullets and eight or ten roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of Butch he entered him in the county fair, and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...the judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Kevin

23-05-2006, 08:44 AM

Tony Blair is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.

"Tony, John Prescott here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Sheffield has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire English supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week."

"Sh*t John - the economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies- we'll be ruined!"

"We're going to have to ship some in from abroad, what about America?"

"No chance!! Bush will have a field day on this one!"

"What about Scotland?"

"Maybe, but we don't want them to know that we are stuck. You call Jack McConnell - tell him we need one million condoms, coloured red, white and blue, twelve inches long and eight inches thick! That way he'll know how big the English really are!!"

John calls Jack, who agrees to help the English out in their hour of need.

Three days later a van arrives outside Downing Street full of boxes.

A delighted Tony Blair rushes out to open the boxes.

He finds condoms, 12 inches long, 8 inches thick and all coloured red, white and blue.

He then notices in small writing on each and every one:-
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
MADE IN SCOTLAND SIZE: SMALL

Davey

23-05-2006, 06:39 PM

A nun gets on a busthats empty except for the driver, She says" i'm going to die soon but want to have sex before i do! but i must remain a virgin, so it has to be anal, an i cant commit adultery so the man must be single, Can you fulfil my wish?". "Yes" says the driver an leads her by the hand to the back seat of the bus an fulfils her wish! then guiltily the man says "I'm sorry i lied, i'm married with 3 kids", "thats o'k" replied the nun, "I LIED TOO MY NAMES KEVIN AN I'M GOING TO A FANCY DRESS PARTY" :***:

slf

23-05-2006, 11:54 PM

dundee fc

Kevin

24-05-2006, 07:57 AM

Saintkev

24-05-2006, 09:38 AM

StDuncM

24-05-2006, 03:09 PM

Kevin

24-05-2006, 03:35 PM

*** DVLA NEWSFLASH ***

In order to assist other motorists to identify potentially dangerous drivers, it's now compulsory for anyone with a lower than average IQ and driving ability to display a warning flag.

The flag (comprising a red cross on a white background) must be attached to the top of at least one door of their vehicle.

For drivers of exceptionally low mental ability, additional flags are required.

*** Warning ends ****

Are they really flying that flag up there. I am like minded to attach a saltire to my motor as every second car that goes past is adorned with one. What is scary is the fact that most English fans think that they will not only get past the second stage, they will get to the final, and win it. Thats the best 2 jokes I have heard today.

Not seen any up here yet. Best part of it all is that an open-top bus parade has been booked in London for July 11th and a meeting with the Queen for the same day. Royal Mail have commissioned a special set of stamps commemorating the win as well. Honestly, it beggars belief :roll: :shock:

ps: Just realise this is my posting number 666 :twisted:

Zimmerman

24-05-2006, 05:49 PM

Who is the coolest guy in the hospital?

Zimmerman

24-05-2006, 10:37 PM

The ultrasound guy. ha ha ha ha :***:

StDuncM

24-05-2006, 11:04 PM

A woman awakes during the night to find that her
husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs
to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot
cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just
staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps
into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".
The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were
only 16. Do you remember back then?" he says solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband
is so caring, so sensitive.
"Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the
back seat of me car?".
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into
a chair beside him. The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you
to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says ...
"I would have got out today."

Saintkev

25-05-2006, 09:28 AM

Why was the pie hanging about on the street corner?

Cus he was meat 'n' potato!

Why are there no asparins in the jungle?

The parrots ate em all!

geo69

25-05-2006, 04:48 PM

Dundonian goes to the Doctors and says he wants his daughter on the pill.
Doctor is a bit concerned 'cause he knows the girl to only be 12 so he asks him if she is sexually active?
Dundonian replies "Nah, she jist lehs there like her maw"

StDuncM

30-05-2006, 07:39 PM

About Edna!

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Jim suddenly fell into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head of Psychiatry became aware of Edna's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there
to dry.

How soon can I go home?"

Kevin

31-05-2006, 12:16 PM

Good old Northerners................

Its really on this NHS website. http://www.doncasterwestpct.nhs.uk

Then follow this:-

Click on Policies / Documents

Click on Documents

Click on Next

Click on next again until you reach "Records 21 to 30 of 50 "

Then have a look at the 4th bullet point - Glossary of Yorkshire Medical Terms.

SUPERB!!

Saint Hayley

31-05-2006, 04:01 PM

Did you hear about the magic tractor?..........It turned into a feild

Boom Boom

Dev

31-05-2006, 10:39 PM

Knock knock

Who's there?

Nicholas

Nicholas who?

Nicholas girls shouldn't climb trees!

Saintkev

01-06-2006, 01:23 PM

Did you hear about the magic tractor?..........It turned into a feild

Boom Boom

Two elephants run off a cliff.

Boom Boom!

Lt Col Kojak Slaphead III

01-06-2006, 02:49 PM

This guy is doing a survey on sheep sh*gging.

He gets on a plane and flies to New Zealand, goes to the first farm he can find and speaks to the farmer

Ã‚â€˜so sir, if you don't mind me asking, whats your preferred method for giving a sheep a good sh*gging?Ã‚â€™

farmer replies Ã‚â€˜well I like to get the back legs down the front of the wellies and I stick the front legs over the nearest wall and away I goÃ‚â€™ :shock:

guy takes this down in his notes, says his thanks and leaves.

He then jumps on a plane and heads for Wales.

Same story, gets to the first farm he finds and speaks to the farmer

Ã‚â€˜so sir, what method do you use for sh*gging sheep?Ã‚â€™

same reply as the New Zealander, Ã‚â€˜back legs in the wellies, front legs over the nearest wall and away yi goÃ‚â€™

thatÃ‚â€™s interesting he says to himself as he notes it down.

His next stop takes him to Aberdeen.

Gets to the nearest farm he can find and speaks to the farmer.

Ã‚â€˜so sir, what method do you prefer when sh*gging sheep?Ã‚â€™

farmer replies Ã‚â€˜well I get the back legs and put them doon the front o ma wellies, front legs I put over my shoulder and away I goÃ‚â€™

the guy doing the survey is slightly perplexed by this and interrupts, Ã‚â€˜sir if you donÃ‚â€™t mind me asking, I have travelled to New Zealand and Wales carrying out this survey and both farmers I have spoken to get the back legs and stick them down the front of the wellies, front legs over a wall or fence and away they go, can I ask why you do this differently??? :***:

WAIT FOR IT. :D

The Farmer replies in a broad Aberdonian accent: FIT??? NAE KISSING OR CUDDLING FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!! :***: :***:

I'll get my coat. :oops:

StDuncM

06-06-2006, 03:01 PM

Baby's First Doctor Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed? "Breast-fed,"she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came

Kevin

06-06-2006, 03:40 PM

How long will it be at school before Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's child Shiloh Pitt gets nicknamed Piloh Shitt??? :shock:

Kevin

06-06-2006, 03:41 PM

A door to door salesman knocks on a door.
A boy about ten years old answers, dressed in stockings and suspenders, with a fat cigar in one hand and a large glass of red wine in the other.
"Is your mum in, son?" says the salesman,
The boy replies, "Does it look like it?"

Saint Hayley

06-06-2006, 05:11 PM

I went to buy some camiflash trousers yesterday but i couldn't find any.

I went to a sea disco the other night and i pulled a musile.

Das Rave

06-06-2006, 07:26 PM

Did you hear about the magic tractor?..........It turned into a feild

Boom Boom

Two elephants run off a cliff.

Boom Boom!

Two elephants and a snake fall off a cliff

dum dum tssss

Hazel1884

07-06-2006, 02:16 PM

Management Courses

Lesson One:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small
rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do
nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit
sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the
rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up.
____________________________________

Lesson Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to
be able to get to the top of that
tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my
droppings?" replied the bull.
" They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it
actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The
next day, after eating some
more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly
perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him
out of the tree.

Management Lesson:

Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't
keep you there.
_____________________________________

Lesson Three:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It
was so cold, the bird froze and fell
to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped
some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow
dung, he began to realize how
warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He laid there all warm
and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound,
the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and
promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend..

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

This ends the three minute management course.

Kevin

08-06-2006, 01:16 PM

Wayne Rooney has been told he can play in the World Cup if he gets a Cortisone Injection. ??

David Beckham responded,
"If that fat tosser is having a new car, then so am I!"

Tranmere Saintee

08-06-2006, 09:59 PM

One for all you lovers of all things Engerlund :***:

The FA
25 Soho Square
London W1 4FA

Dear Sir,

Our Head Coach, Mr Sven-Goran Ericsson, has asked me, on the eve of our departure to Germany for the World Cup Finals, for which we have qualified, to ask our fellow Home Nations to come to our assistance so that England may be 100% sure of winning the World Cup.

As you are no doubt aware from the winning of the Rugby World Cup and the Ashes, EnglandÃ‚â€™s success boosts all British nations and we know how you all enjoyed basking in the reflected glory which bonds our ancient nations together.

To this end, we request and require that you furnish, forthwith, any information, which may aid us on our quest. We donÃ‚â€™t expect to need it, you understand, but one never knows.

What we have in mind is tactical appraisals of our opponents, whom you may have encountered whilst failing to qualify yourselves. Foreign styles of play, underhand methods of influencing the referee, Latin diving, Teutonic bullying, you know the sort of thing. Also, if there is any advice of the legality of two apparently separate islands in the Caribbean forming a joint enterprise for the express purpose of winning a soccer match. In the capital here we find it quite extraordinary!

I know you all take great delight in the support of England whenever any of you manage a shock result, and am sure of the same fulsome support from you chaps in this instance.

You remain, our humble servants

Brian Barwick
. .
.
.
.The Football Association of Wales
11 / 12 Neptune Court,
Vanguard Way,
Cardiff CF24 5PJ
CYMRU

Dear Mr Barwick,

Thank you for your interesting and brilliant letter. As you know we are your nearest neighbours, and sharing a long border with you, know you more intimately and therefore love you more intimately than anybody else. How we enjoyed your Rugby victory! Bonfires were lit in remote areas all over rural Wales in celebration.

As you no doubt donÃ‚â€™t know, all correspondence from Lloedr is translaed from Saes to Cymraeg in accordance with the Rules of our Association. I had your brave letter translated and passed it to Dafydd ab Sylwtlyhatesinglish hew is hedd of our tactical spying unit.

I am sori to haf to tell ewe that there was a coch up in the translation which meant that Dafydd, completely by accident, got the whole thing arseways and provided all your opponents with a dossier on your players instead. In particular, I have to warn you that your manager may be targeted by dusky beauties who may give him the bends while he goes diving as it were. Also watch out for Paraguayan grannies in the vacinity of your only hope.

As ever, if there is anything else we can do for you, do not hesitate to ask.

Twll dÃƒÂ®n pob Sais

Mervyn Miseri
.
.
.
.
FA Ireland
80 Merrion Square
Dublin 2

Ah Brian howÃ‚â€™s it going

All the lads here wish ye the very best in the World Cup. Sure donÃ‚â€™t ye know that?
We always want England to do well. There has been too much old guff about history and bad blood and we should forget about all that. We have anyhow.

I mean, nowadays who is interested in Pope Adrian (the only English Pope) blessing the English invasion which took all our lands and divided it up amongst the English? Who wants to know about Cromwell putting the women and children of Drogheda and Wexford to the sword; the Penal Laws that outlawed the one true Catholic faith and the outlawing of the beloved Gaelic language. The crushing of the brave rebels in 1118, 1250, 1336, 1388 1542, 1612. 1798, 1848, 1916. Sure we have forgotten all about the Famine, where one million of us were starved to death, skin and bone with grass stain about our hungry mouths with pestilence rapine and disease stalking every corner of the land whilst our young men fought in the front lines of the trenches of your imperial wars.

Having forgotten all that, and the unfinished business in a corner of our land, we would of course be delighted to support England, and we will. However, you must be aware of our longstanding emigrant links with Seamus insert name of whoever the bastards are playing and so therefore, on this one occasion, our loyalties may be somewhat divided.

As a favour Brian: - my daughter is a big Man U fan and could you send over young WayneÃ‚â€™s birth cert (and his folks) so she can send him a birthday card?

Yours as ever

SeÃƒÂ¡n Ãƒâ€œ Blarney
.
.
.
.
.
The Scottish Football Association
Hampden Park
Glasgow
G42 9AY

Dear Brian,

F*ck off you English c*nts.

Hamish McSporran

Kevin

09-06-2006, 11:55 AM

A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my High School football team 25 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air. Then, she put weights on it!! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a Mini in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her to a pulp with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the bitch); will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root canal or a vasectomy.

Kevin

09-06-2006, 11:55 AM

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see.. size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit. It fitted perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."

Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit = $400

New shirt = $ 36

New underwear = $ 6

Second opinion PRICELESS

Kevin

09-06-2006, 02:07 PM

Ã‚â€œI predicted in August that Celtic would reach the final and, on the eve of the final, I stand by that predictionÃ‚â€ Ã‚â€” Commentator ARCHIE McPHERSON.

Ã‚â€œI have a number of alternatives, and each one gives me something differentÃ‚â€ Ã‚â€” GLENN HODDLE.

Ã‚â€œIf Aston Villa do get a point from this, it will improve their points totalÃ‚â€ Ã‚â€” Commentator TONY GUBBA.

Ã‚â€œWe probably got on better with the likes of Holland, Belgium, Norway and Sweden, some of whom are not even EuropeanÃ‚â€ Ã‚â€” JACK CHARLTON.

Ã‚â€œFootballÃ‚â€™s football. If that werenÃ‚â€™t the case, it wouldnÃ‚â€™t be the game that it isÃ‚â€ Ã‚â€” GARTH CROOKS.

Ronaldo

10-06-2006, 01:24 PM

Here is a great joke from a pre modern man George Burns - Click (http://www.openmindsuk.com/MonkeyJoke.wmv)
http://www.spindelvisions.com/George%20Burns-Front%20PageB.jpg

pezza70

15-06-2006, 11:38 PM

Kevin

16-06-2006, 09:41 AM

Tranmere Saintee

16-06-2006, 11:03 AM

Kevin

16-06-2006, 12:01 PM

The England camp has been thrown into turmoil over the availability of star striker Wayne Rooney.
Rooney has been told he can play in the World Cup if he gets a Cortisone Injection.

When David Beckham heard the news, he immediately declared "If that fat tosser gets a new car, then I'm not playing til I do too"

I posted this at the top of the page Pezza :shock:

Come on now Kevin - remember Pezza is upside-down compared with us :roll: :***:

Yes TH, you're quite right :roll:

Pezza, I posted this at the bottom of the page.... :***:

pezza70

16-06-2006, 12:48 PM

The England camp has been thrown into turmoil over the availability of star striker Wayne Rooney.
Rooney has been told he can play in the World Cup if he gets a Cortisone Injection.

When David Beckham heard the news, he immediately declared "If that fat tosser gets a new car, then I'm not playing til I do too"

I posted this at the top of the page Pezza :shock:

Come on now Kevin - remember Pezza is upside-down compared with us :roll: :***:

Yes TH, you're quite right :roll:

Doesnt come up on my page, doesnt matter thought, wasnt really funny the first time, Ive just made it even less appealing :D

Pezza, I posted this at the bottom of the page.... :***:

StDuncM

20-06-2006, 11:22 PM

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!" Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my backyard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!" "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."

perthsaint1884

21-06-2006, 09:54 PM

To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment to work on his tan. Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude but fell asleep and burned his penis.

Not wanting to miss out on his date with the hot blonde, he applied some ointment to his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. The blonde showed up at his apartment and after dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie.

During the movie, the young man's sunburn began to hurt. After several minutes of extreme discomfort, he asked to be excused.

A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain. So he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk. He experienced immediate relief.

The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen and found him with his shaft fully immersed in the glass of milk. With a look of understanding the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you load those things!"

Hazel1884

22-06-2006, 11:38 AM

Sven-Goran Eriksson is on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' and has reached the Ã‚Â£1 million question.

Chris Tarrant says, "Right Sven, this is for Ã‚Â£1 million, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.

"Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a Set?

"Is it. a) a badger, b) a ferret, c) a mole or d) a cuckoo?"

Sven ponders for a while and says, "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure. I'll have to go 50-50."

"Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with.

'Badger' and 'Cuckoo' are the two remaining answers."

Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says,

"No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend."

So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris.

"Hmmm, I think I'll call David Beckham."

So Tarrant phones David Beckham.

"David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'.

I've got Sven-Goran Eriksson here, and with your help he could win Ã‚Â£1

million. The next voice you hear will be Sven's."

"Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a set? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"

"It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation.

"You sure, son?" says Sven.

"Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely."

"Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger.

"Final answer, Sven?"

"Final answer, Chris."

"That's the correct answer. You've won Ã‚Â£1 million!"

Cue wild celebrations.

Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across.

"Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how the heck did you know that a badger lives in a set?"

"Oh I didn't, boss..." replies Beckham, ..........

( SCROLL DOWN YOU'LL LIKE THIS)

"... But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!"

Hazel1884

22-06-2006, 11:42 AM

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the autobahn. Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window nd
asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped 3 England football commentators. They're asking for a Ã‚Â£10 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection." "How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

"About a gallon"

pezza70

22-06-2006, 12:31 PM

A young aussie couple on their honeymoon are driving through the countryside in New Zealand.

They are lost and stop by a farm house to get directions, they knock on the door and there is no answer so they walk around the back of the house and see the farmer chock a block up a sheep going for his life.

The aussie male says to the farmer "hey mate, in Australia we shear our sheep"

The farmer turns around and says "I'm not shearing this with anybody"

Sorry about that, if you have heard a new zealand accent you will get it, if you havent one before then I have just wasted 30 seconds of your life which you will never get back.

Kevin

22-06-2006, 03:34 PM

Duncan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Duncan in tears.

"We can't see each other any more..." she sobbed.

"Why?" gasped Duncan.

"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you are a mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class of crustacean and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways."

Duncan was shattered, and scuttled sideward away into the darkness to
drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.

That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.

Suddenly the doors burst open, and Duncan the crab strode in.

The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King
Lobster rose from his throne.

Slowly, painstakingly, Duncan the crab made his way across the floor...and all could see that he was walking, not sideways............but FORWARDS...Yes FORWARDS, one claw after another!!

Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he finally
looked King lobster in the eye.

There was a deadly hush..................................

For quite a while...........................

Finally, the crab spoke.......

"F**k, I'm pissed."

perthsaint1884

22-06-2006, 04:21 PM

It is just before the England v Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered."

Ronaldinho looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down the pub.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)". He is beating England all by himself!

Anyway, a few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers, "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on." They put the teletext on.

Result from the Stadium 'Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1 (Lampard 89 minutes)."

They can't believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against England!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"

"No, no, I have, I've let you down...I got sent off after 12 minutes."

208saint

22-06-2006, 10:05 PM

How do you know you're at a Scumdee wedding?

Everybody sits at the same side of the church

pezza70

22-06-2006, 11:29 PM

How do you know you're at a Scumdee wedding?

Everybody sits at the same side of the church

Thats the best one yet

:***: :***: :***: :***:

StDuncM

25-06-2006, 07:24 PM

An Asian man walks into a American Express with 2000 yen. He receives Ã‚Â£72.00 in Pound sterling.::::The following week, the same Asian man walks into the same American Express . He again exchanges 2000 yen. This time, he receives Ã‚Â£66.00 in Pound sterling.::::The Asian man doesn't understand why he received less money, so he asks the clerk, "Why less money when same 2000 yen"::::The clerk replies, "Fluctuations."::::As the Asian man prepares to leave, he turns, looks at the clerk and angrily says, "Fluck you Engrish, too!"::

perthsaint1884

02-07-2006, 09:49 AM

How a 7 year old explains sex!

little Johnny was 7 years old and like
other boys
his age rather
curious.

He had been hearing quite a bit
about 'making out'
from the older boys, and he wondered
what it was
and how it was done.

One day he took his question to his
mother, who
became rather flustered. Instead of
explaining
things to Johnny, she told him to hide
behind the
curtains one night and watch his older
sister and
her boyfriend.

This he did. The following morning,
Johnny
described EVERYTHING to his mother.

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for
a while,
then he turned off most of the lights.
Then he
started kissing and hugging her. I
figured 'Sis must
be getting sick, because her face started
looking
funny.

He must have thought so too, because he
put his
hand inside her blouse to feel her heart,
just the
way the doctor would. Except he's not as
smart as
the doctor because he seemed to have
trouble
finding her heart. I guess he was getting
sick too,
because pretty soon both of them started
panting
and getting all out of breath.

His other hand must have been cold
because he
put it under her skirt.

About this time 'Sis got worse and began
to moan
and sigh and squirm around and slide
down
toward
the end of the couch. This was when her
fever
started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis
told him
she felt really hot.

Finally, I found out what was making
them so
sick......-a big eel ;had gotten inside his
pants
somehow. It just jumped out of his pants
and
stood there, about 10 inches long,
honest, anyway
he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from
getting
away.

When Sis saw it, she got really scared-her
eyes
got big, and her mouth fell open, and
she started
calling out to God and stuff like that. She
said it
was the biggest one she's ever seen; I
should tell
her about the ones down at the lake by
our house!

Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the
eel by
biting its head off. All of a sudden she
grabbed it
with both hands and held it tight while he
took a
muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it
over the
eel's head to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she
could get
a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying
on top
of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a
fight.

Sis started groaning and squealing and
her
boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess
they
wanted to kill the eel by squashing it
between
them.

After a while they both quit moving and
gave a
great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure
enough,
they killed the eel. I knew because it just
hung
there, limp, and some of its insides were
hanging
out.

Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired
from the
battle, but they went back to courting
anyway. He
started hugging and kissing her again. By
golly,
the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up
and
started to fight again.

I guess eels are like cats- they have nine
lives or
something. This time, Sis jumped up and
tried to
kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35
minute
struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew
it was
dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel
its skin
off and flush it down the toilet.

dunblanemike

02-07-2006, 03:28 PM

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward, and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a thit!"

StDuncM

04-07-2006, 11:45 AM

A young lady, goes to her local pet store in search of
an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she
notices a box full of live frogs.

The sign says:

"Sex Frogs! Only $20 each!

Money Back Guarantee!

Comes with complete instructions."

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's
watching her.

She whispers softly to the man behind the counter,
"I'll take one."

The man packages the frog and says, "Just follow the
instructions."

The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her
way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she
reads the instructions and reads them very carefully.

She does exactly what is specified:

1. Take a shower.

2. Splash on some nice perfume.

3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.

4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you

and allow the frog to follow its training.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to
her surprise, nothing happens!

The girl is very disappointed and quite upset at this
point.

She rereads the instructions and notices at the
bottom of the paper it says,

"If you have any problems or questions, please call
the pet store."

So, the lady calls the pet store.

The man says, "I'll be right over."

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.

The lady welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done
everything according to the instructions.

The darn thing just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog,
stares directly into its eyes and sternly says:

"Listen to me!

I'm only going to show you how to do this one more
time."

Davey

05-07-2006, 07:10 PM

heard this one over the weekend
How do you grow your own dope?

bury an englishman!! :***:

chopper

05-07-2006, 11:45 PM

Saddam Hussein has been found guilty of war crimes and sentenced to death by firing squad. When asked if he had one last request he said "Yes, I want to pick the firing squad that will kill me - Frank Lampard, Steven Gerrard and Jamie Carragher from 12 yards please!!!"

:***:

perthsaint1884

09-07-2006, 03:20 PM

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time, " said the boy.

"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

perthsaint1884

09-07-2006, 03:21 PM

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat.
The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would
have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off
at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver
says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get
that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the
bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the
nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes
and
some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her
you were God and command her
to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes
to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule,
the nun shows up.
While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks
out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I
am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you
must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her
virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about
having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts
out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting,
"Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

pezza70

11-07-2006, 02:42 AM

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a
highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers
him handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?". "We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks "Why do you buy them then?

The old lady replied "We just love the chocolate around them."

StDuncM

11-07-2006, 10:56 AM

David Beckham is celebrating; "43 days, 43 days!" he shouts happilly. Posh asks him why hes celebrating.
He answers "Well Honey, I've done this jigsaw in only 43 days."
"And that's good?" asks Posh.
"You bet Hon" says David."It says 3 to 6 years on the box."

David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank,
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Beckham "you should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Beckham. The receptionist replies
"Well David, it says on your record that you're a useless wa*ker...."

David Beckham walks into a pub.
The landlord says 'A pint of your usual, David?'
Beckham replies 'No, just a half, then I'm off'

Q. Why is David Beckham like a Ferrero Roche?
A: They both come in a posh box

Q: What's the difference between David Beckham and Posh?
A: Posh Spice doesn't kick back when she's taken from behind.

Q: What do David Beckham and British rail trains have in common.
A: They both go in and out of Victoria

Saint Hayley

11-07-2006, 05:03 PM

Sven-Goran Eriksson is on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' and has reached the Ã‚Â£1 million question.

Chris Tarrant says, "Right Sven, this is for Ã‚Â£1 million, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.

"Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a Set?

"Is it. a) a badger, b) a ferret, c) a mole or d) a cuckoo?"

Sven ponders for a while and says, "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure. I'll have to go 50-50."

"Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with.

'Badger' and 'Cuckoo' are the two remaining answers."

Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says,

"No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend."

So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris.

"Hmmm, I think I'll call David Beckham."

So Tarrant phones David Beckham.

"David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'.

I've got Sven-Goran Eriksson here, and with your help he could win Ã‚Â£1

million. The next voice you hear will be Sven's."

"Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a set? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"

"It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation.

"You sure, son?" says Sven.

"Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely."

"Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger.

"Final answer, Sven?"

"Final answer, Chris."

"That's the correct answer. You've won Ã‚Â£1 million!"

Cue wild celebrations.

Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across.

"Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how the heck did you know that a badger lives in a set?"

"Oh I didn't, boss..." replies Beckham, ..........

"... But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!"

:***:

Davey

11-07-2006, 05:58 PM

Sven-Goran Eriksson is on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' and has reached the Ã‚Â£1 million question.

Chris Tarrant says, "Right Sven, this is for Ã‚Â£1 million, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.

"Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a Set?

"Is it. a) a badger, b) a ferret, c) a mole or d) a cuckoo?"

Sven ponders for a while and says, "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure. I'll have to go 50-50."

"Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with.

'Badger' and 'Cuckoo' are the two remaining answers."

Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says,

"No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend."

So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris.

"Hmmm, I think I'll call David Beckham."

So Tarrant phones David Beckham.

"David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'.

I've got Sven-Goran Eriksson here, and with your help he could win Ã‚Â£1

million. The next voice you hear will be Sven's."

"Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a set? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"

"It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation.

"You sure, son?" says Sven.

"Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely."

"Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger.

"Final answer, Sven?"

"Final answer, Chris."

"That's the correct answer. You've won Ã‚Â£1 million!"

Cue wild celebrations.

Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across.

"Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how the heck did you know that a badger lives in a set?"

"Oh I didn't, boss..." replies Beckham, ..........

"... But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!"

:***:

hazels already told this joke :roll: :***:

StDuncM

11-07-2006, 07:45 PM

This is for all those who hate to poop at work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2006 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE.
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH.
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME.
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS.
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH.
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET.
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED.
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY.
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

perthsaint1884

11-07-2006, 08:06 PM

hahaha thats brilliant :***:

Saint Hayley

12-07-2006, 08:23 PM

Sven-Goran Eriksson is on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' and has reached the Ã‚Â£1 million question.

Chris Tarrant says, "Right Sven, this is for Ã‚Â£1 million, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.

"Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a Set?

"Is it. a) a badger, b) a ferret, c) a mole or d) a cuckoo?"

Sven ponders for a while and says, "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure. I'll have to go 50-50."

"Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with.

'Badger' and 'Cuckoo' are the two remaining answers."

Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says,

"No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend."

So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris.

"Hmmm, I think I'll call David Beckham."

So Tarrant phones David Beckham.

"David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'.

I've got Sven-Goran Eriksson here, and with your help he could win Ã‚Â£1

million. The next voice you hear will be Sven's."

"Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a set? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"

"It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation.

"You sure, son?" says Sven.

"Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely."

"Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger.

"Final answer, Sven?"

"Final answer, Chris."

"That's the correct answer. You've won Ã‚Â£1 million!"

Cue wild celebrations.

Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across.

"Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how the heck did you know that a badger lives in a set?"

"Oh I didn't, boss..." replies Beckham, ..........

"... But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!"

:***:

hazels already told this joke :roll: :***:

:oops: :oops: oops another blonde hayley moment there

pezza70

13-07-2006, 06:13 AM

Darryl is driving over the Sydney Harbor Bridge one day when he sees his
> girlfriend Shazza about to throw herself off.
>
> Darryl slams on the brakes and yells: "Shazza what the blazes d'ya think
> ya doing?"
>
> Shazza turns around with a tear in her eye and says: "G'day Darryl. You
> got me pregnant, so now I'm gonna kill meself".
>
> Darryl gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.
>
> "Shazza", he says.......... "Fair dinkum not only are ya a top shag but
> you're a real sport too" ..... and drives off :***:

Kevin

13-07-2006, 01:15 PM

A man takes his seat on a plane and is slightly puzzled to see a parrot next to him.

The plane takes off and the man asks the stewardess for a coffee. Then the parrot screeches, "Yeah, and get me a double whiskey too, you ugly cow!"

The stewardess walks off to get drinks, but forgets the coffee. She apologizes and, as she turns away, the parrot squawks, "Yeah, and get me another whiskey, you fat-arsed tart."

By now the stewardess is rattled and she returns with a whiskey but no coffee. The man decides to follow the parrot's lead. "I've asked you for coffee twice!" he shouts. "Get your lazy arse back there and get me a cup now!"

Seconds later he and the parrot are dragged from their seats by the stewards and thrown out of the emergency exit. As they fall towards the earth, the parrot looks at the man and says,

"You've sure got a big mouth for someone who can't fly."

Kevin

13-07-2006, 03:56 PM

Sophie Ellis Bextor has been head butted to death in the flat of a French footballerÃ‚â€¦.

apparently it was murder on Zidanes floor!!!

Hazel1884

13-07-2006, 08:24 PM

Sophie Ellis Bextor has been head butted to death in the flat of a French footballerÃ‚â€¦.

apparently it was murder on Zidanes floor!!!

Kevin - tell me that isn't the first time you have heard that joke.........

Even although the words have been rendered slightly thanks to ZZ's actions! :wink:

StDuncM

13-07-2006, 10:54 PM

Everton today announced Easyjet as their new kit sponsor. The new shirt's logo will read: "In and out of Europe in a few hours."

It is believed that Birmingham City will get the go ahead on a new 50,000 capacity stadium. The stadium will host local dog racing nights on Wednesdays. Bookies are taking odds on what trap Karen Brady will be in.

David Beckham is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a 'tragedy'. One little boy stands up and says "that if my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street and a car came along and killed him that would be a tragedy." "No", Beckham says "that would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved..... that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not." explains Beckham. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent, none of the children volunteer. "What?" asks Beckham. "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says "If an aeroplane carrying David Beckham was blown up by a bomb, that would be a tragedy." "Wonderful," Beckham beams. "Marvellous, and can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy "because it wouldn't be an accident and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."

Kevin

14-07-2006, 08:50 AM

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two"

"I agree Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would
uou do something for me?"

"Anything, Father"

"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see
yours."

"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."

The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely
breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister, would you mind if I touched them?"

She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

"Father, could I ask something of you?"

"Yes, Sister?"

"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"

"I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.

"Oh Father, may I touch it?"

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give
Life."

"Is that true, Father?"

"Yes, it is, Sister."

"Oh Father that's wonderful, stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here."

StDuncM

14-07-2006, 11:49 AM

Ronaldo, Luis Figo and Wayne Rooney are standing before God at the throne of Heaven.
God looks at them and says: "Before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in."
Addressing Ronaldo first he asks, "What do you believe?"
Ronaldo looks God in the eye and states passionately: "I believe football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Madrid. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting their club."
God looks up and offers Ronaldo the seat to his left.
He then turns to Luis Figo, "And you, Luis, what do you believe?"
Figo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits."
God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Figo the seat to his right.
Finally, he turns to Wayne Rooney , "And you, Wayne, what do you believe?"
"I believe", says Rooney, "that you're sitting in my seat."

StDuncM

14-07-2006, 12:10 PM

You're trapped in a room with a Grizzly Bear, a deadly Rattlesnake, and an Man Utd Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the Man United Fan. Twice.

The 7 dwarfs are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the dark distance a voice screams out "Rangers are good enough to win the European Cup."
Snow White says "Thank God - at least Dopey's still alive!"

Q: What do you call a dead Tottenham Supporter in a closet?
A: Last years winner to the hide and seek contest.

Q: Why do Wimbledon fans carry lighters round with them?
A: Because they lose all their matches!

Q: What have Blackburn FC and a three pin plug got in common?
A: Their both absolutely useless in Europe.

StDuncM

14-07-2006, 12:44 PM

I'M on a roll!

Where does poo come from??

A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is
reading the paper.

"Where does poo come from?" she asks.

The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is
already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:

"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"

"Yes," answers the girl.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the
good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."

The little girl looks shocked, and stares, at him with watery eyes in
stunned silence for a few seconds and asks:

"And Tigger?"

StDuncM

14-07-2006, 01:36 PM

Three men, a Scouser, a Manc and a Rasta all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc. The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby The Rasta looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" "Probably", said the Manc, "but one of them in there's a scouser, and I'm takin' no chances !!!!!"

and

Scouser walks into the D.S.S. and says :-

"I've just been offered a Blow Job, If I take it will it affect my benefit claim?"

and

Q: What's the difference between a Liverpool fan and a broken clock?

A: Even a broken clock is right twice a day!

StDuncM

18-07-2006, 08:56 PM

Subject: Tiger Woods and the Irishman!
IRISH GAS STATION

Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drove his new Ford Excursion into an irish gas station. An attendant greeted him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro was.

"Top of the mornin' to ya!" the Irishman smiled doffing his cap. As Tiger got out of the mammoth vehicle, two tees fell out of his pocket. So what are those,lad?" asked the attendant.

"They're called tees," replied Tiger. "And what would ya be usin' em for, now?" inquired the Irishman. "Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," said Tiger. "AW! Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph," exclaimed the Irishman, "Those fellas at FORD think of everything.

pezza70

19-07-2006, 01:11 AM

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other
stall saying: Ã‚Â* "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom
but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat
embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? Ã‚Â*At that point, I'm thinking this
is too bizarre so I say: Ã‚Â*"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I
hear another question. Ã‚Â*"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could
just be polite and end the conversation. Ã‚Â*I tell him, "No........I'm
a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. Ã‚Â*There's an idiot in the other
stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

pezza70

24-07-2006, 02:48 AM

Australian Government

Department of Immigration and Multicultural and Indigenous Affairs
Application for Grant of Australian Citizenship

You must answer 75% (28 or more out of 37) of these questions correctly in order to qualify for Australian Citizenship

1. How many slabs can you fit in the back of a Falcon Ute while also allowing room for your cattle dog?

2. When packing an Esky do you put the ice, or the beer, in first?

3. Is the traditional Aussie Christmas dinner:

a) At least two roasted meats with roast vegetables, followed by a pudding you could use as a cannonball. Also ham. In 40C heat.
b) A seafood buffet followed by a barbie, with rather a lot of booze. And ham. In 40C heat.
c) Both of the above, one at lunchtime and one at dinnertime. Weather continues fine.

4. How many beers in a slab?

5. You call that a knife, this is a knife.
True or False?

6. Does "yeah-nah" mean

a) "Yes and no"
b) "Maybe"
c) "Yes I understand but No I don't agree"?

7. The phrases "strewth" and "flamin' dingo" can be attributed to which TV character?

a) Toadie from Neighbours
b) Alf from Home & Away
c) Agro from Agro's Cartoon Connection
d) Sgt. Tom Croydon from Blue Heelers?

8. When cooking a barbecue do you turn the sausages

a) Once or twice
b) As often as necessary to cook
c) After each stubby
d) Until charcoal?
9. Name three of the Daddo brothers.

10. Who was the original lead singer of AC/DC?

11. Which option describes your ideal summer afternoon:

a) Drinking beer at a mate's place
b) Drinking beer at the beach
c) Drinking beer watching the cricket/footy
d) Drinking beer at a mate's place while watching the cricket before going to the beach?

12. Would you eat pineapple on pizza? Would you eat egg on a pizza?

13. How many cans of beer did David Boon consume on a plane trip from Australia to England?

14. How many stubbies is it from Brissy to the Gold Coast in a Torana travelling at 120km/h?

15. Who are Scott and Charlene?

16. How do you apply your tomato sauce to a pie?

a) Squirt and spread with finger
b) Sauce injection straight into the middle?

17. If the police raided your home would you:

a) Allow them to rummage through your personal items
b) Phone up the nearest talkback radio shock jock and complain
c) Put a written complaint in to John Howard and hope that he answers it personally?

18. Which Australian Prime Minister held the world record for drinking a yardie full of beer the fastest?

19. Have you ever had/do you have a mullet?

20. Thongs are:

a) Skimpy underwear
b) Casual footwear
c) They're called jandals, bro?

21. On which Ashes tour did Warney's hair look the best?

a) 1993
b) 1997
c) 2001
d) 2005

22. What is someone more likely to die of:

a) Red Back Spider
b) Great White Shark
c) Victorian Police Officer
d) King Brown Snake
e) Your missus after a big night
f) Dropbear?

23. How many times must a steak be turned on a conventional four-burner barbie?

24. Can you sing along to Cold Chisel's Khe Sanh?

25. Explain both the "follow-on" and "LBW" rules in cricket and discuss the pros and cons for the third umpire decisions in the latter....

26. Name at least 5 items that must be taken to a BBQ.

27. Who is current Australian test cricket captain:

a) Ricky Ponting
b) Don Bradman
c) John Howard
d) Makybe Diva?

28. Is it best to take a sick day on:

a) When the cricket's on
b) When the cricket's on
c) When the cricketÃ‚â€™s on?

29. What animal is on the Bundaberg Rum bottle?

30. What is the difference between a pot and a middy of beer?

31. What are Budgie smugglers?

32. What brand and size of Esky will you be purchasing?

33. Did you cry when Molly died on a Country Practice?

34. A "Hoppoate" is:

a) A breed of kangaroo
b) A kind of Australian "wedgie"
c) A disgraced Rugby League player?

35. What does having a 'chunder' mean?

36. When you were young did you prefer the Hills Hoist over any swing set?

37. What does the terminology 'True Blue' mean?

Your Score Ã‚â€¦Ã‚â€¦Ã‚â€¦Ã‚â€¦.

For Office use only.
ٱ In
ٱ Out
ٱ Can have another crack at it

Davey

24-07-2006, 01:01 PM

a scotsman, englishman frenchman and italien were all on a plane when the captain comes over the tannoyed an said "we're havin technical difficulties an in order for the plane to land at the next airport, 3 of them would have to open the door an jump out!"

They were decidin who it would be when the italien says he'll do it as long as italy remembers him for helpin out his fellow passengers and his act of bravery, then he jumps shoutin "champions of the world"
Then the frenchman was so takin by his act of bravery shouts "viva la france" then jumps.
The scotsman was then really fired up by the italien an frenchman, he too shouts...

REMEMBER BANNOCKBURN YOU B*STARD

and throws the englishman out the plane!! :wink: :***:

wattie70

24-07-2006, 02:34 PM

A miner in Africa has an accident & loses his leg.

He says to his mate 'I'm f****d - who will want a one legged gold digger'.

His mate says 'Try Paul McCartney!!'

StDuncM

25-07-2006, 02:43 PM

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".

The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for Six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.

"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."

"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America.

North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?"

"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a smallish land mass and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah" said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super- human, undefeatable, strong in character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the buggers I'm putting next to them"

Learn to spik Australian Have you ever wonder just what the heck they are talking about when it not sport, sport or, geez mate, more sport?

A passenger plane traveling to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean.

The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive. After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores.

Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on.

Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...its Kylie Minogue!

Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love. One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new

found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face. She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong. "Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feeling there's something missing."

Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything".
"Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"
"OK"
"And my trousers?"
"OK"

At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips. "OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."

"OK dear, whatever will make you happy?"

So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:

"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging'!!

The moon landings are faked! Heroic images or NASA fraud? At last we have the conclusive proof! Just the sort of info that every aussie bloke needs to know for intellectual conversation at the BBQ.

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

Streuth! here is the Australian Constitution. Didja know that there was one?

Three Aussie guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Kevin.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Kevin says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Kev?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me,"

Bruce replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

"Well not exactly," Kevin said. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears. This genie tells them that he only grants one wish.

Without giving much thought to the matter, the lamp finder blurts out, "Turn the entire ocean into VB!"

The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.

The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

The second Aussie turns to the first and says, "Nice going mate! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch.

However when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.

Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance: "hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me".

A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine:

" Australia will win the Rugby World Cup"

"Thank god" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Aussie cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar.

One asked, "What are you up to, Mate?"

Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."

"Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?"

"Ah, prob'ly the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."

pezza70

27-07-2006, 07:20 AM

A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. While he was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could he worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later the man was walking through the zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they are standing at the rail. The large bull elephant stared at him and lifted its front foot off the ground then put it down. The elephant did that several times, all the while staring at the man. The man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.

The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

It now seems that it probably wasn't the same elephant.

Kevin

27-07-2006, 02:50 PM

Bloke comes into the kitchen. Takes a frog out of his pocket, sets it down in front of his wife.

Wife: "What's that?"

Bloke: "It's a cock-sucking frog."

Wife: "What do you expect me to do with that?"

Bloke: "Teach it to cook, and f**k off."

StDuncM

01-08-2006, 11:56 PM

A large hospital recently hired several cannibals as it couldn't find enough British staff. "You are all part of our team now", said the HR manager during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the canteen on the Ground Floor for something to eat, but please don't eat any of our other employees". The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared.. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads "No". After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary ?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!", the leader continued, "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But, NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something.

There were 3 balloons, mummy balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon. baby balloon asked daddy balloon if he could sleep in mommy and daddy's bed. no said daddy balloon. that night baby balloon crept info their room. he tried to squeeze in between the sleeping pair, but could not get in. he let a little air out of daddy balloon, but still could not squeeze in. he let a little air out of mummy balloon, but still could not get in. he let some air out of himself and successfully squeezed in. the next morning daddy balloom said to him 'son i am very disapointed in you, not only have you let me and your mother down but you have let yourself down too'.

A cowboy panda walks into a saloon and sits at a table. He orders a dinner, eats it, fires his gun at the waiter and walks out. Just as he got to the door, the barman asked the panda what he thought he was doing. Panda turns to the barman and says, "look me up in the dictionary!". The panda leaves. Barman runs to get a dictionary..... n; panda, large animal that eats shoots and leaves.

Four men travelling in an aeroplane and it crashed in the jungle killing one. The other three were slightly injured and stayed with the body until they were all feeling better. By this time they were all feeling very, very hungry but could not find anything to eat. One of the men said that as their friend had died they should eat him. They then had to decide which part of the body they should eat and which was easier to cook. One of the men suggested that they ate the part of the body depending on which part of the country they came from. The first man said, Ã‚â€œI am from Hartlepool, so I will eat the heartÃ‚â€. The second man said, Ã‚â€œI am from Liverpool, so I will eat the liverÃ‚â€. The third man said, Ã‚â€œI am from Cockfosters, but I am not very hungryÃ‚â€. The moral of the story is Beggars cannot be choosers.

McCallum

02-08-2006, 07:10 PM

Bobby - 'Doctor, I've got this really bad pain in my foot..'

Doctor - 'Gout'

Bobby - 'I've only just come in!'

pezza70

14-08-2006, 02:53 AM

Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent
interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a train
station in Sydney

There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the
evils of Australia. I politely declined to take one.

An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young
(20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely
declined.

The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a
gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, "Lady, don't you
care about the children of Iraq?"

The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my father died in
France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in
Vietnam. All three died so you could have the right to stand here and
bad mouth our country. If you touch me again. I'll stick this umbrella
up your arse and open it."

God Bless Australia!!

pezza70

27-08-2006, 11:58 PM

Friendship between Women:
>
>
> A woman didn't come home one night.
>
> The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a
>friend's
>
> house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them
> knew
>
> about it.
>
>
>
> Friendship between Men:
>
>
>
> A man didn't come home one night.
>
> The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
>
> house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of
> them
>
> confirmed that he had slept over,
>
> two claimed that he was still there.

Mongy Max

28-08-2006, 10:43 AM

Probably all ready been done:

Why was Jesus not born in Dundee?
They couldn't find a virgin and 3 Wise Men!

Two young Muslim mothers are sat in the park watching their kids playing when an elder Muslim woman walks past and says, " Enjoy these moments while you can." The two mothers look round and ask why, the elder woman replies "They blow up so quickly!!"

Osama Bin Laden has been arrested for sheep shaggin in Aberdeen, when qeustioned by police he claimed they were Islambs and he could do whatever the fook he wanted with them!

Tranmere Saintee

28-08-2006, 12:17 PM

Ground crew reports

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics and other ground crew any problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics/ground crew read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken. The pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers or ground crew.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: The autopilot doesn't.
S: IT DOES NOW.

P: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500 pounds.
S: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Pilot's clock inoperative.
S: Wound clock.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: 3 roaches in cabin.
S: 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Unfamiliar noise coming from #2 engine.
S: Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.

P: Noise coming from #2 engine. Sounds like man with little hammer.
S: Took little hammer away from man in #2 engine.

P: Whining noise coming from #2 engine compartment.
S: Returned little hammer to man in #2 engine.

P: Whining sound heard on #2 engine shutdown.
S: Pilot removed from aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Funny sounds from behind instrument panel.
S: Installed non-funny sounds.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to "straighten up, fly right, and be serious".

P: #2 ADF needle runs wild.
S: Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle.

P: Turn-and-slip indicator ball stuck in centre during turns.
S: Congratulations. You have just made your first co-ordinated turn.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Seat cushion in 13F smells rotten.
S: Fresh seat cushion on order.

P: Flight attendant cold at altitude.
S: Ground checks OK.

P: Weather radar went ape!
S: Opened radar, let out ape, cleaned up mess.

And this one from a pilot instructor who ejected from a military trainer aircraft:
P: Reason for emergency eject: Landing gear would not retract
S: Aircraft had fixed landing gear. Aircraft written off.

pezza70

15-09-2006, 02:18 AM

Alcohol Speech Test

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the
street.

j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

Tranmere Saintee

18-09-2006, 10:17 PM

A Welsh Love Story.

An elderly man lay dying in his little bed, while suffering the
agonies of impending death; when he suddenly smells the aroma of his
favourite treat, freshly made Welsh cakes, wafting up the stairs from
the kitchen.

He gathers his remaining strength, and lifts himself from his bed.
And,leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and
with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he
slowly crawls downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leans against the kitchen door frame, gazing
through watery eyes into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already
in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table
were dozens of freshly made Welsh cakes fresh from the oven and cooling
slowly.

Was he in heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his Devoted
Welsh wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this mortal world
a truly happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.

His aged and withered hand trembled as it moved slowly towards the
closest Welsh cake, possessing extra raisins, his favourite ones laid
out neatly at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by
his wife with a spatula.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
F**k off" she says, "they're for the funeral."

Tranmere Saintee

19-09-2006, 05:16 PM

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to
all the people sitting at the bar and asked,

"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed;

"Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked;

"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar
and said:

"Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said;

"I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a
drink , but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied;
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Any woman who can lift her leg that high has to be a ballerina!"

Kevin

21-09-2006, 09:02 AM

Are you Scottish?

You know you are a true Scot if...........

1. Ye can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie, Sauchiehall St , St Enoch, Auchtermuchty and Aufurfuksake.

2. Ye actually like deep fried battered pizza fae the chippie.

3. Yer used tae four seasons in wan day.

4. Ye canna pass a chip/kebab shop withoot sleverin when yer blootert.

5. Ye kin fall about pished withoot spilling yer drink.

6. Ye see people wearin shell suits with burberry accessories - pure class!

7. Ye measure distance in minutes.

8. Ye kin understaun Rab C Nesbitt and know characters just like him, in yer ain family.

9. Ye go tae Saltcoats cos ye think it is like gaun tae the ocean.

10. Ye kin make hale sentences jist wae swear wurds.

11. Ye know whit haggis is made ae and stull like eating it.

12. Somedy ye know his used a fitba schedule tae plan thur wedding day date.

13. You've been at a wedding and fitba scores are announced in the Church/Chapel.

14. Ye urny surprised tae find curries, pizzas, kebabs, fish n chips, irn-bru, fags and nappies all in the wan shop.

15. Yer holiday home at the seaside has calor gas under it.

16. Ye know irn-bru is a hangover cure.

17. Ye learnt tae sweer afore ye learnt tae dae sums.

18. Ye actually understand this and yurr gonnae send it tae yer pals .

19. Finally, you are 100% Scot if you have ever said these words:-

- how's it hingin
- clatty
- boggin
- cludgie
- pished
- get it up ye
- wee beasties
- erse bandit
- amurny
- away an bile yer heid
- peely-wally
- humphey backit
- Ba'-heid
- baw bag
- Mocket
- Mingin
- dubble nugget

And finally......

A wee Glesga wumman goes intae a butchershop, where the butcher has just came oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint his back, with his
erse aimed at an electric fire.

The wee wumman checks oot the display case then asks, "Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?"

"Naw," replies the butcher. "It's jist ma haun's ah'm heatin'.

pezza70

26-09-2006, 11:58 PM

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly Side of Life

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: it's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She's a lawyer.

3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids. Bad: Your wife can't find her birth control pills. Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

5. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than your wife.

6. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your 10 year old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.

7. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It's another man. Ugly: He's your best friend.

8. Good: Your 15 year old daughter got a new job Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Very Ugly: She makes more money than you do.

Tranmere Saintee

27-09-2006, 11:02 PM

The Tax Inspector:

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the
books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then
they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

"What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.

"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

perthsaint1884

29-10-2006, 07:03 PM

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

Kevin

15-11-2006, 03:24 PM

How to c**k up (quite literally...) naming your website.......

1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com
2. Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com
5. There's the Italian Power Generator company, www.powergenitalia.com
6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales www.molestationnursery.com
7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com
8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is www.cummingfirst.com
9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site, www.speedofart.com

:***: :***: :***:

Tranmere Saintee

17-11-2006, 06:43 PM

DOES MY BUM LOOK BIG IN THIS

Ed was in trouble.

He forgot his wedding anniversary & his wife was really mad.

She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, she put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new set of bathroom scales.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The funeral service for Ed has been scheduled for Friday.

erchie

17-11-2006, 06:50 PM

a wife says to her husband "tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time" "ok" says the husband "your fanny is smaller than your sisters" ! :)

Steve Maskrey

17-11-2006, 08:23 PM

What do you call a Dundonian midwife who won't deliver babies :?

A Crime Prevention Officer :***: :***:

Tranmere Saintee

18-11-2006, 10:13 AM

What do you call a Dundonian midwife who won't deliver babies :?

A Crime Prevention Officer :***: :***:

Still laughing at that one :***: :***:

Moray Blue

28-11-2006, 11:22 PM

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John"
Letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance
between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on
you twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.
I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love,
Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters,
ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of
Becky,

Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had
collected from his buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope along with this note:

Dear Becky, I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the
**** you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest
back to me.

Moray Blue

28-11-2006, 11:23 PM

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any"

'But I always buy it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist

"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

erchie

28-11-2006, 11:52 PM

:D :D belter mate !!! lmao !

chips for tea

29-11-2006, 12:29 AM

Which one is the odd one out

1 a toaster

2 a washing machine

3 a dishwasher

4 a woman

Answer...........

A toaster its the only one that doesnt drip when its f....d

perthsaint1884

02-12-2006, 10:31 AM

It is Christmas Eve and this chap is on a rooftop about to jump off. His
wife is leaving him for another man, he has lost his job and he owes
thousands of pounds to the bank. Just as he finishes his prayers and closes
his eyes, ready to jump, Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder "Are you
OK?" asks Father Christmas. The man explains why he is so miserable and gets
ready to jump. "Stop!" shouts Father Christmas. "It is Christmas; I will
grant you three wishes to solve your problems on the understanding that you
will

grant me a small favour in return!"
"Would you?" the man replies. "That would be wonderful!!...Thank you, Father
Christmas promises him that: 1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife
will be dressed in her sexiest underwear, begging for forgiveness and
longing for your return, she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend.
2. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue with

your work. Your salary will have increased by 50%. Also, nobody will have
any recollection of your sacking. 3. You shall go to your bank and you will
be ten thousand pounds in credit, you will have no outstanding bills. "Oh
thank you, thank you!" says the man. "What is it that I can do for

you?"
Father Christmas asks the man to drop his pants and bend over. After a quite
brutal rogering, which made his eyes water a little, Father Christmas asks
the man how old he is. "36" replies the man. "Ho, Ho, Ho, You're a bit old
to believe in Father Christmas aren't you!?

Davey

03-12-2006, 12:56 AM

wjy di d the dinoisaur crOSs thwe road>>?

Caus choickens werent inventefd HHAHH AHAa :***:

saint_markperth

03-12-2006, 08:09 AM

wjy di d the dinoisaur crOSs thwe road>>?

Caus choickens werent inventefd HHAHH AHAa :***:

rocket should not be allowed to post on the forum between the hours of 0000-07000

Davey

03-12-2006, 11:17 AM

wjy di d the dinoisaur crOSs thwe road>>?

Caus choickens werent inventefd HHAHH AHAa :***:

rocket should not be allowed to post on the forum between the hours of 0000-07000

:oops: christies right, can i be tagged so i have to stay of the forum from midnight til 9am?

Tranmere Saintee

03-12-2006, 11:45 AM

Davey - some would like to see you banned from here 24/7 :***:

Davey

03-12-2006, 08:02 PM

Davey - some would like to see you banned from here 24/7 :***:

christ, you know how to make a lad feel better! :(

Kevin

04-12-2006, 03:30 PM

Sectarian mobile phones :shock:

http://i17.tinypic.com/48oi29v.jpg

Barty1884

15-12-2006, 12:36 AM

There is an Scotsman, an Englishman, a swedish blonde with big breasts and an old woman on a train. As the train passes through a tunnel it is pitch black when they hear an almightly slap. as light returns to the train the englishman is left holding his face.

the swedish girl assumes that he had tried to grope her breasts but had instead felt up the old woman who had then turned and slapped him....

the old woman assumes that he had groped the blonde who had then turned arround and slapped him....

the englishman assumed that the scotsman had groped the blonde and she had mistaken the two men and slapped the wrong one...

all the while the scotsman is thinkin ..."god i cany wait for the next tunnel so i can slap that english twat again" :***: :***:

Kevin

15-12-2006, 04:46 PM

A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky.

The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking
out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."

The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.

A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"

The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves.

The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"

The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."

The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?"

The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret Service!"

:***: :***: :***:

Davey

18-12-2006, 09:43 PM

an irish man feeling peckish, goes into tesco's in belfast to buy a sandwich, he comes out an opens it up when he see's 2 wires sticking out, not sure what to do he calls the police an says" sorry to bother you but just bought a sandwich from tesco's an there is 2 wires stickin out of it , what should i do" the police officer on the other end of the line asks " if it is tickin" "no" replies the irishman "it cheese an tomato"!! :***: :roll:

perthsaint1884

21-12-2006, 10:54 PM

The Drunk

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging! his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost".

chips for tea

25-12-2006, 10:20 AM

wjy di d the dinoisaur crOSs thwe road>>?

Caus choickens werent inventefd HHAHH AHAa :***:

Thats post of the year for me........belter....... :wink:

chips for tea

29-12-2006, 02:14 PM

3 sisters Anne,Jan and Fanny all have big feet
Anne and Jan both go out on a date,when one of the lads on the date says "jesus yous dont half have big feet" Anne replys "you should see our Fannys there huge"............. :wink:

chips for tea

29-12-2006, 02:33 PM

Kylie,Elton John and Robbie Williams are walking down the street,Kylie trips and jams her head in some railings,Robbie pulls her knickers down and starts to have a bit of a go at her from behind (censored version)He then turns to Elton and says "your turn" but he just stands on the spot and starts crying "whats up" asks Robbie,Elton sobs and says "my head wont fit in the railings"

ST GAZ

30-12-2006, 12:59 AM

A lady walks into a Aston Martin dealership. She browses around, spots the top-of-the-range car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."

ST GAZ

30-12-2006, 01:13 AM

A brunette and a blonde are out shopping when the brunette spots her husband coming out of interflora with a bunch of flowers.

The brunette says " oh sh1t he always expects something back in return when he buys me flowers and I don't fancy laying on my back with my legs in the air for the next two days "

The blonde replies " why , haven't you got a vase "

rickardo

30-12-2006, 01:33 AM

lethamsaintee

31-12-2006, 01:29 PM

Paddy started to get fed up with his English friends taking the mick out his accent. As he walked away from the pub he said "Oi'll show those feckers"

He went home and downloaded different programmes that taught people how to speak like a king.

After three months Paddy was ready to give the outside world his new crystal clear voice. He went into a shop to try out his new voice. He said to the man behind the counter, in a very posh voice, "Can I have The Times, The Telegraph and The Guardian, please" The man standing behind the counter burst out laughing and said "You're Irish, ain't ya?" Paddy replied "B'Jesus, how did ya noiw Oi'm Oirish?" The man said "This is a Fish'n Chip shop"

killinsaints

31-12-2006, 06:36 PM

jack and jill went up the hill so jack could lick jills nanny
jack got a shock and a mouth full of c**k
cause jills a f**king tranny :***: :D

Steve Maskrey

03-01-2007, 04:45 PM

How do you turn a fox into an elephant :?

Marry it :wink: :***:

Davey

03-01-2007, 07:33 PM

paddy, mick an seamus were on a night out in dublin! after a skin full of guiness they call it a night, when they get home paddy says i'm tired an goes to bed so does seamus but mick stays up to make himself some food! while the food is cookin he falls asleep an burns the house down!
Unfortunatly paddy dies an mick an seamus have to identify his body at the morgue. mick goes in first an says "christ he is badly burnt, roll him over" so the man rolls him over "nah its not paddy". thinkin this is odd he calls in seamus "aye he is badly burnt, roll him over" so again he rolls him over "nah thats not seamus" an goes out the room followed by the mortician! "how can you tell its not paddy by looking at his back?" mick replies" caus everytime we went into town, people would say here comes paddy wi the two arseholes!!" :***:

lethamsaintee

04-01-2007, 04:23 PM

Did you hear about the dyslexic man who walked into a bra?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

...Or about his son who sent a Christmas letter to Satan?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

...Or the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? He lay awake all night wondering if there is a dog.

Das Rave

04-01-2007, 07:28 PM

Or the dyslexic pimp? He bought a warehouse

saints4lyfe

04-01-2007, 08:43 PM

A super model is in the shower, when she hears a knock at the door, so she shouts who is it. the reply is the blind man from down the street.

she cannot see a towel or a gown around so she answers the door thinking it will be okay.

she goes to the door and the man says ' nice tits '

' so where do you want me to hang these '

perthsaint1884

17-01-2007, 09:17 PM

What do you call 10 naked men sitting on each others shoulders?

A scrotum-poll

Das Rave

17-01-2007, 09:24 PM

What do you call 10 naked men sitting on each others shoulders?

A scrotum-poll

Bill Leckie!

perthsaint1884

17-01-2007, 09:40 PM

What do you call 10 naked men sitting on each others shoulders?

A scrotum-poll

Bill Leckie!

Think it was in the sun in Tam McCowans bit

Das Rave

17-01-2007, 10:08 PM

What do you call 10 naked men sitting on each others shoulders?

A scrotum-poll

Bill Leckie!

Think it was in the sun in Tam McCowans bit

Sorry no Leckie. Was Record, Tam Cowan

perthsaint1884

17-01-2007, 10:09 PM

What do you call 10 naked men sitting on each others shoulders?

A scrotum-poll

Bill Leckie!

Think it was in the sun in Tam McCowans bit

Sorry no Leckie. Was Record, Tam Cowan

Aye that'll be it :***: Got there in the end

saint_markperth

19-01-2007, 01:32 PM

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am." As Ethel neared the
final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding
his "You-Know- What" in his hand.

"Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"

Tranmere Saintee

25-01-2007, 08:16 AM

A Dundonian walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job".

The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just
got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for
his nymphomaniac twin daughters.

You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform
provided.

The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided.

You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays.

The Salary package is Ã‚Â£200,000 a year".

The Dundonian said "You're bullsh*tting me!"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The man behind the counter said "Well you started it!"

Kevin

25-01-2007, 09:47 AM

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads: -

"If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that
reads:

"If you catch me you can have me." Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone - "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft black man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads:-

"I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine..."

chips for tea

14-02-2007, 07:30 PM

Just thought id let you all know.....

I bought the wife a new bag and a belt for valentines day...

The f*cking hoover works a treat now........ :wink:

Tranmere Saintee

14-02-2007, 07:44 PM

The NFL announced today that for financial reasons they had to eliminate
one team from the league.

So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and forming one team, but causing many layoffs but saving millions of dollars in costs.

They will be known as the.........TAMPACKS.

Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string...

Tranmere Saintee

14-02-2007, 07:48 PM

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from
New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from
Logan, West Virginia.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's
expense.

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
Registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's
the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer Says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down
and Stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the
ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says,

"Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

Kevin

16-02-2007, 02:11 PM

MY KIND OF BLOKE !!!!

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping

This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford:

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

Yours sincerely,

Charles Brown
Store Manager

nips

16-02-2007, 05:44 PM

I don't care if that's true or not - it's fuggin funny!

Kevin

17-02-2007, 05:24 PM

I don't care if that's true or not - it's fuggin funny!

Aye, and wouldn't you just love to dosome of them?? SaintSam will be terrified when I next go to Tesco and she is working there :***:

Kevin

02-04-2007, 12:47 PM

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmy had married a woman from Australia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Scottish girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, fill the washing machine and call a landscaper.

razz the kid

08-04-2007, 11:23 AM

An old woman is complaining to her equally ancient friend that she no longer has sex with her husband.
"He looks at me with my tits like rooftiler's mailbags, and my saggy arse and old minge" she moans, "and he's completely turned off."
Her 88-year-old friend looks at her with scorn and says, "what you want to do is get down to Anne Summers and get yourself some sexy underwear. no red blooded man can resist the sight of a woman in pingers and a red satin bra." the following day the old lady goes down to the sex shop and buys herself a peephole bra and a pair of crotchless panties. that night she hides on top of her bedroom wardrobe, waits untill her husband gets into bed, then, clad only in her new shagging gear, leaps from the wardrobe with a mighty banshee scream of "Superfanny!"
She lands on top of her shocked husband who, after several seconds, says,
"i think i'll have the soup, if thats alright."

StDuncM

08-04-2007, 11:17 PM

There's a rumour that after their current sponsorship expires, Celtic have lined up a new sponsor - Tampax.
The board thought it was an appropriate change as the club is going through a very bad period.

Q: Do you know what Celtic really stands for?
A: A: Celtic Even Lost To Inverness CaleY

Q: What would you call 2 Sellik fans going over a cliff in a green Renualt Espace?
A: A complete waste of space. You could have squeezed 8 of them into one of those.

Walter Smith was looking to sign some new players to help Rangers title push, so he sent his chief scout to Afghanistan to search for some new talent. Sure enough, the scout finds an outstanding 18-year-old striker and immediately signs him on a 3-year deal.

On getting back to Scotland, Smith takes one look at him in training and immediately puts him in the starting line up for the big away game against Celtic.

The new lad is fantastic, he scores a hat trick and creates four more as Rangers romp it 7-0. Ecstatic after the game the young lad phones his mum to tell her the good news.

"Mum" he says, "I've just made my debut and had a great game. The team loves me, the fans love me and the press loves me, even them twats on the radio clyde phone in love me. Life is great!"

"Well," says his mum, "I'm glad life is great for you. Shall I tell you what happened to us today?. Your Dad's been murdered in the street, your sister and I were raped and beaten in broad daylight, and your brother's joined a vicious gang of killers".

"Mum, I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry" "Sorry?" She yells down the phone, "You're ****ing sorry? It's YOUR ****ing fault we moved to Glasgow in the first place!!"

A Celtic fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Green and white top. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter.
"Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Celtic fans in heaven."
"What ?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no Celtic fans."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Celtic supporter.
"Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?"
"Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa".
"Oh" says St.Peter. "anything else?"
"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me.
Here's your thirty quid back, now **** off".

Question: What's the difference between a rooster and a Celtic supporter?
Answer: Rooster says 'cock a doodle do', and a Celtic supporter says 'any cock'll do'.

Question: Why is it George Michaels lifetime ambition to play in goal for Celtic?.
Answer: Because he'd have 10 arseholes in front of him and 60'000 pricks behind him!

Kevin

13-04-2007, 09:56 AM

Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?"
Operator: " Doesn't the product give you a clue?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
"If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window. "
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure.."
Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f###ing stupid to own a computer.

Nairn Saint

13-04-2007, 10:56 AM

Cheers Kevin, keep them coming.

Kevin

13-04-2007, 01:01 PM

A husband is at home watching a football match when his wife interrupts, â€œHoney, could you fix the light in the hall? It's been flickering for weeks now.â€

He looks at her and says angrily, â€œfix the lights now? Does it look like I have Scottish Hydro Electric written on my forehead? I don't think so.â€

Fine, then the wife asks, well then, â€œcould you fix the fridge door? It won't close rightâ€

He replied, â€œfix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Hotpoint written on my forehead? I don't think soâ€

â€œFineâ€, she says, â€œthen you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to breakâ€

â€œI'm not a carpenter and I don't want to fix stepsâ€ he says, â€œdoes it look like I have Builder written on my forehead? I don't think so, I've had enough of this I'm going to the pub!!!!â€

So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours...............................

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home

As he walks into the house he notices that the steps are already fixed.

As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working.

As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

â€œHoneyâ€, he asks, â€œhow'd all this get fixed?â€

She said, â€œwell, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.â€

He said, â€œso what kind of cake did you bake?â€

She replied, â€œhellooooo. Do you see Delia Smith written on my forehead? I don't think so!â€

Kevin

13-04-2007, 01:01 PM

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent’s house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

Kevin

13-04-2007, 01:03 PM

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1920's, 30's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses that contained asbestos.

They took aspirin and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.

Then after that trauma, our cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, Starbucks, KFC or Burger King.

Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and some didn't open at the weekend, somehow we didn't starve to death!

We shared our juice with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We could collect old pop bottles and cash them in at the shop and buy penny chews.

We ate cakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.

We built tree houses and played in the burn with matchbox cars.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable or satellite, no video taped films, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and nobody was sued from these accidents.

Only girls had pierced ears!

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross buns at Easter time.......no really!

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!

Football teams had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

Our teachers used to belt us with canes and bully's always ruled the playground at school.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the police!

Our parents got married before they had children and didn't invent stupid names for their kids like "Kiora" and "Blade"

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 70 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

And YOU are one of them!

CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!
-The big type because you can!

Kevin

13-04-2007, 01:06 PM

For all of you who are sick to death of getting emails that tell you to forward to at least X number of people in the next 15 minutes so that wonderful things and miracles will happen if you do and there will be consequences if you don't, then you will enjoy this.

Click here:...........

Soapbox (http://info.org.il/irrelevant/may02-smilepop-soapbox4.swf)

Kevin

13-04-2007, 01:13 PM

A man came home one night and told his wife he didn't want her any more and that he was moving his girlfriend into their house. Until then he was going to stay at an hotel with her.

The wife understood and she spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of prawns, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten prawns dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with
his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set
off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in
the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

- People stopped coming over to visit.

- Repairmen refused to work in the house.

- The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local solicitors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to buy a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a
price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if
she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the
moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!!!!!!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

Tranmere Saintee

13-04-2007, 06:53 PM

Black Panties

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.

Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into
the world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, 'Mom I have someone for you to meet.'

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to
join him for a weekend in Vermont .

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in
his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, 'Why the black panties?'

She replied: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,
but down there I am still mourning.'

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black
panties, and he was in his birthday suit-- but now he was wearing a
black condom .

She looked at him and asked: 'What's with the black condom?'

He replied, 'I want to offer my deepest condolences'

Tranmere Saintee

13-04-2007, 06:58 PM

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not
allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might
think I was 'CRAZY' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What in the name of f*cking good god are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days'.

I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her '...And where do you think you're going?'
.
(You're gonna love this..... )
.
.
.
.
.
. She said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!

HKSaint

14-04-2007, 05:12 PM

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a
drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around
the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them,
then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps
onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls,
sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement,
somehow he swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what
your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He
eats everything in sight, the little pig. Sorry.
I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff. "He finishes his
drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey
ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his
monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey
starts running around the bar again. While the man is
finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino
cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt,
pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a
peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it
out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your
monkey did now? he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up
his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he
had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Saintkev

16-04-2007, 09:43 AM

Celtic fans!:***:

Kevin

16-04-2007, 12:41 PM

Celtic fans!:***:

Cracker!! :***:

Kevin

03-05-2007, 08:35 AM

A woman goes to the doctor and says "every time I go to have sex and open my legs I hear a shout of 'Come On Gretna'" is this serious?

The doctor looks at her and says, "no, that is quite a normal thing for a c**t to say" :***:

Kevin

03-05-2007, 01:16 PM

International Economic models explained with cowsâ€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, so you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then files the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the
income.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take
harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it
worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows because you're sobering up and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINA CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad. You allow the US to milk them and make burgers from them as and when they fell like it.

IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a democracy....

AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers.

WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very
attractive, the other is stupid.

Nairn Saint

03-05-2007, 02:23 PM

nips

03-05-2007, 05:36 PM

That should definitely be taught to standard grade modern studies pupils!

yangus

03-05-2007, 10:07 PM

a dog goes into BnQ and asks the man if they are any jobs goin. the man replies emm no but theyres a circus down the road. the dog replies what do they want with a floor fitter

StDuncM

03-05-2007, 11:30 PM

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers toask> you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh.
Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way; BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.
Have a wonderful day with many *smiles*
Take the time to live!!!> >> >Life is too short. Dance naked

--------------------------------->

StDuncM

03-05-2007, 11:34 PM

THE WASH CLOTH

"I was due for an appointment with the gynaecologist later in the week.

Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell
me there was a cancellation and the 9:30am appointment was available.
I took it. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and
it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35
minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene
when making such visits, but this time I was not going to be able to make
the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the
washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in
"that area" to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth
in the clothesbasket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my
appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.
Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table,
looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris
or some other such glamorous place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra
effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The
rest of the day was normal... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. After
school when my six year old daughter was playing, she called out from the
bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"

I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No!!!".
She yelled, " I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my
glitter and sparkles saved inside it!"

StDuncM

03-05-2007, 11:36 PM

Time for a quickie?

Quickie #1
One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed
in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went fishing.

Quickie #2
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and
ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her
lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff
or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

Quickie # 3
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right,
and the other is a husband.

Quickie #4
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's
license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The
optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

Quickie #6
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my
GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM
NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE
BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt
them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels
like when I'm driving."

Quickie #7
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain
man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That
afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army
has been looking for Herman for 51 years

Ali91

05-05-2007, 10:39 AM

what do flour, yeast and dundonians have in common?

their all in bread.

perthsaint1884

05-05-2007, 10:58 AM

what do flour, yeast and dundonians have in common?

their all in bread.

Brilliant :***:

saint_markperth

05-05-2007, 11:10 AM

what do flour, yeast and dundonians have in common?

their all in bread.

:mrgreen:

Kevin

08-05-2007, 12:59 PM

The 3 minute management course...

Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity!

Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone.*

Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.*

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."*

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say!

Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there!

Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.*

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends the 3-minute management course.

Kevin

09-05-2007, 04:49 PM

Here are 12 of the finest double-entendres that were aired on British TV &
Radio

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoria from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

2 . New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him."

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I
once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that
nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford
crew."

5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls
and kisses them .... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live'
said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed
and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight
inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today
after a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's
nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his
shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to
use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it himself.

Kevin

11-05-2007, 11:16 AM

Genuine quiz show answers

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne : What was Ghandi's first name?
Contestant : Goosey, Goosey?

THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson : In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?
Contestant : Jool carriageway.

Anne Robinson : Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?
Contestant : Bombay .

Anne Robinson : What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
Contestant : Crocodiles.
Anne Robinson : Wh...?
Contestant (interrupting) : Pass!

Anne Robinson : In olden times, what were minstrels, travelling entertainers or chocolate salesmen?
Contestant : Chocolate salesmen.

Anne Robinson : The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were written by Matthew , Mark , Luke and...?
Contestant : (long pause) Joe ?

Anne Robinson : Who was a famous Indian leader, whose name begins with G, revered by millions, who was assassinated and received a state funeral?
Contestant : Geronimo !

NATIONAL LOTTERY JET SET
Eamonn Holmes : What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.?
Contestant : William Shakespeare .

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW, BBC BRISTOL
Searle : In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller : Japan .
Searle : I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller : Er... Mexico ?

FAMILY FORTUNES
1 ) Something a blind man might use? - A Sword

2 ) A song with the word Moon in the title? - Blue Suede Moon

3 ) Name the capital of France ? - F

4 ) Name a bird with a long Neck? - Naomi Campbell

5 ) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? - A burglar

6 ) Where is the Taj Mahal? - Opposite the Dental Hospital

7 ) What is Hitler 's first name? - Heil

8 ) A famous Scotsman? - Jock

9 ) Some famous brothers? - Bonnie and Clyde .

10 ) A dangerous race? - The Arabs

11 ) Something that floats in a bath? - Water

12 ) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? - A horse

13 ) Something you wear on a beach? - A deckchair

14 ) A famous Royal? - Mail

15 ) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? - A bicycle with wings

16 ) A famous bridge? - The Bridge Over Troubled Waters

17 ) Something a cat does? - Goes to the toilet

18 ) Something you do in the bathroom? - Decorate

19 ) A method of securing your home? - Put the kettle on

20 ) Something associated with pigs? - The Police

21 ) A sign of the Zodiac? - April

22 ) Something people might be allergic to? - Skiing

23 ) Something you do before you go to bed? - Sleep

24 ) Something you put on walls? - A roof

25 ) Something slippery? - A conman

26 ) A kind of ache? - A fillet of fish

27 ) A jacket potato topping? - Jam

28 ) A food that can be brown or white? - A potato

29 ) Something sold by gypsies? - Bananas

30 ) Something red? - My sweater

RADIO LINCS PHONE-IN
Presenter : Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant : Barcelona .
Presenter : I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant : I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .

STEVE WRIGHT SHOW, RADIO 2
Wright : On which continent would you find the River Danube?
Contestant : India .

Wright : What is the Italian word for motorway?
Contestant : Espresso.

Wright : What is the capital of Australia ? And it's not Sydney .
Contestant : Sydney .

THIS MORNING
Judy Finnegan : The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera. True or false?
Contestant : True?
Judy Finnegan : No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an American TV show,so I'll give you that.

BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE
Paul Wappat : How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause) : Fourteen days.

BOB HOPE BIRTHDAY QUIZ, LBC
Presenter : Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?
Contestant : Four

BBC GMR, PHIL WOOD SHOW
Wood : What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant : Er...
Wood : It's got two syllables... Kor...
Contestant : Blimey?
Wood : Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run...
Contestant : (Silence)
Wood : OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I...
Contestant : Walked?

DARYL 'S DRIVETIME, VIRGIN RADIO
Daryl Denham : In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant : Holland ?
Daryl Denham : Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant : Iceland ? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant : No.

StDuncM

12-05-2007, 01:29 AM

Q: What do you get if you see a Dundee fan buried up to his neck in sand?
A: More sand

What's the difference between the England football team and a tea bag?
A tea bag stays longer in the cup

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of Gretna Players on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

A Saintee and Gretna fan collide in a huge accident on the motorway. Both cars are a wreck, but both men are unhurt.

"This must be a sign from God that we are meant to be friends" says the Saintee "I agree" replies the Gretna fan

The Saintee then returns to the wreckage of his car, and finds a bottle of whisky he had been saving.

"Look" he says to the Gretna fan, "this must be another sign from God, we should drink this whisky to celebrate our friendship and survival"

He hands the bottle over to the Gretna fan who takes a large gulp from the bottle before passing it back to the Saintee, who then puts the top back on & returns the bottle to his car.

"Aren't you having any?" asks the Gretna fan. "No" replied the Saintee, "I think I’ll wait til the Police get here."

StDuncM

13-05-2007, 10:23 PM

I Owe My Mother
**************************************
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
> "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
>
>2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
>"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
>
>3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
>"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of >next week!"
>
>4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
>" Because I said so, that's why."
>
>5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
>"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to >the store with me."
>
>6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
>"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
>
>7. My mother taught me IRONY.
>"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
>
>8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
>"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
>
>9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
>"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
>
>10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
>"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
>
>11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
>"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
>
>12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
>"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
>
>13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
>"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
>
>14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
>"Stop acting like your father!"
>
>15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
>"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't >have wonderful parents like you do."
>
>16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
>"Just wait until we get home."
>
>17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
>"You are going to get it when you get home!"
>
>18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
>"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
>
>19. My mother taught me ESP.
>"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
>
>20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
>"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
>
>21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
>"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
>
>22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
>"You're just like your father."
>
>23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
>"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
>
>24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
>"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
>
>And my favorite:
>25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
>"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you

saintX

14-05-2007, 12:53 PM

[QUOTE=Kevin;82172]
RADIO LINCS PHONE-IN
Presenter : Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant : Barcelona .
Presenter : I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant : I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain /QUOTE]

There was a story when i worked at Tay that a Dundonian phoned in Dave Price's show. The conversation went something like:

DP: Do you know a lot about music?
Caller: Aye
DP: Do you know a lot about Jazz?
Caller: Eh, the film about the shark? Aye!

Kevin

16-05-2007, 09:47 AM

A shop that sells new husbands has just opened in London, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the shop operates:

1. You may visit this shop ONLY ONCE.

2. There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends.

3. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but cannot go back down except to exit the building!

A woman goes to the Husband Shop to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and loves kids

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Impressive," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework.

"Oh, wow!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking, help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Shop.

To avoid gender bias charges, the shop's owner opened a new Wives Shop just across the street, also with six floors and the same rules.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third, fourth, fifth & sixth floors have never been visited.

Kevin

18-05-2007, 03:20 PM

For all Employees Who Work With Rude Customers:

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit).................

"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

Nairn Saint

18-05-2007, 04:49 PM

Cheers Kevin. Never fails on a Friday!

+Super Trooper+

22-05-2007, 09:15 PM

Q.Why cant you get a cup of tea at Dens Park???
A.Cos the mugs are on the pitch and the cups are headin for Perth

A Gretna fan and a dundonian have a bicycle race of a cliff. Who wins???

Society!

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar and the barman goes "is this some sort of joke"

StDuncM

22-05-2007, 10:59 PM

Got arrested in B&Q today

On my way in, the sales assistant asked me if I wanted Decking, so I thought, bugger this and I hit him first.

Kevin

29-05-2007, 09:27 AM

Call to God

An Englishman decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about British churches so he bought a train ticket and took a trip to London, thinking that he would work his way up the country from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church, taking photographs, when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read, "£20,000 per call!"

The Englishman, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and for £20,000 you could talk to God. The Englishman thanked the priest and went on his way. His next stop was in Northampton. There, at a very large church, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he had seen in London so he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £20,000 he could talk to God.

"Thank you," said the Englishman.

He then travelled to Coventry, Birmingham, Liverpool, Manchester, Blackpool, Fleetwood, Lancaster and Carlisle.

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "£20,000 per call" sign under it.

The Englishman upon realising how close he was to the Scottish border decided to see if the Scots had the same phone.

He crossed the border and came to a small town called Gretna, and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read,"20 pence per call".

The Englishman was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.

"Father, I have travelled all over England and I have seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told it is a direct line to heaven, but in every one the price was £20,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered

"Well laddie, you're in Scotland now, so it's a local call."

Kevin

06-06-2007, 02:25 PM

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
3 stone.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog! is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between a north of Scotland zoo and a south of Scotland zoo?
A northern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good ride

^sainteebrian^

06-06-2007, 03:18 PM

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those MEN already have BOYFRIENDS.

spot the mistake ive given you a clue!

^sainteebrian^

06-06-2007, 03:18 PM

by the way i wasn't being critical i was just pointing it out :D

Nick

06-06-2007, 03:45 PM

spot the mistake ive given you a clue!

i dont think thats a mistake!

Saintkev

06-06-2007, 03:47 PM

by the way i wasn't being critical i was just pointing it out :D

:roll:

Kevin

06-06-2007, 04:28 PM

by the way i wasn't being critical i was just pointing it out :D

I think you left school too early Brian, and that is not a criticism it is a fact if you think that was wrong. :shock:

It's a bloody joke, not an exam answer and, if you are implying the grammar is incorrect, try it out again :roll:

^sainteebrian^

06-06-2007, 05:50 PM

sorry sir :D

Nairn Saint

06-06-2007, 08:06 PM

Cheers Kev. I thought it was Friday for a moment.

Quality! :***:

st Tommy

08-06-2007, 02:55 PM

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it
was After Eight. She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman's Friend.

On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum.

He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she
said. "I'm the one with the nuts," he thought!

Then he touched her Milky Way.

They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the
bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg.He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.

Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she
let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was quite pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge.

It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he pulled out, his king size Mars Bar felt bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed a Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off
by giving her a Gob Stopper!

Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife,
Caramel. Sadly he was soon to discover he had VD. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who apparently had Allsorts!!!

perthsaint1884

08-06-2007, 03:07 PM

Haha thats fantastic!!!

Kevin

08-06-2007, 09:02 PM

Are you male or female? To find out the answer, look down...

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Look down, not scroll down, dummy!

Kevin

08-06-2007, 09:02 PM

And you think you have problems. These are sentences typed (wrongly) by Medical secretaries!!!!

1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

2. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

10. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

28. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

29. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

30. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

31. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

32. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

33. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

34. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.