Joke

[Nessie]

A bloke stops to visit his mate who has a broken leg.
His friend says, "My feet are cold mate.
Can you go and get me my slippers from upstairs please."

The guy goes upstairs, and there are his mate's gorgeous twin 18 year
old daughters.
"Hi, girls, your dad sent me up here to shag you."
The first daughter says, "That's not true."
He says, "I'll prove it."
He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"
His mate yells back, "Of course, both of them."

[Broon]

A millionaire was throwing a huge party at his mansion for his beautiful daughter. Being a bit eccentric, the old millionaire likes to keep unusual pets - including a couple of alligators in one of his swimming pools. Getting a little bit bored of the party, the millionaire decides to play a little game. He asks all of his guests to gather round the pool as he makes an announcement. "To the person who manages to swim a full length of my swimming pool, I will grant you the choice of 1 million pounds or my daughters hand in marriage"! I should warn you - the alligators will try and kill you!

At this point, everyone starts looking at each other, talking amongst themselves. You can tell they are tempted, and just as it seems like nobody will give it a go - SPLASH! Everyone turns round to the pool to see a wee guy, swimming for his life, alligators snapping at his heels. SNAP SNAP!!!! Amazingly, running on pure adrenaline, he makes it to the other end of the pool without being killed. The old millionaire rushes to him - "Well done, well done"! "Now, which would you prefer - the money or my daughter"?

"Neither", yells the young guy, looking strangely upset! I want the BASTARD who threw me in!!!!!!

[pezza70]

On Marriage: One-Liners
-----------------------

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
-- Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- George Burns

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds.
-- Cindy Garner

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was
water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She
said, "In the lake."
-- Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
-- Phyllis Diller

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-- Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have
endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for
success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving
woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul
Newman.
-- Erma Bombeck

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't
you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The
other replied "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I
was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes,
dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than
to let him keep her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to
interrupt her.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I
got two girlfriends.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to
report it because the thief was spending less than his wife
did.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down
the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think
they are beautiful.

[pezza70]

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER.......

A YOUNG MAN CALLED JASON INVITED HIS MOTHER FOR DINNER.
DURING THE COURSE OF THE MEAL, HIS MOTHER COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE HOW BEAUTIFUL
JASON'S FLATMATE WAS. SHE HAD LONG BEEN SUSPICIOUS OF A RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THE TWO,
AND THIS ONLY MADE HER MORE CURIOUS. OVER THE COURSE OF THE EVENING, WHILE WATCHING
THE TWO INTERACT, SHE STARTED TO WONDER IF THERE WAS MORE BETWEEN JASON AND HIS
FLATMATE THAN MET THE EYE.

READING HIS MUM'S THOUGHTS, JASON VOLUNTEERED,
"I KNOW WHAT YOU MUST BE THINKING, BUT I ASSURE YOU, KAREN & I ARE JUST FLATMATES".

ABOUT A WEEK LATER, KAREN CAME TO JASON SAYING,
"EVER SINCE YOUR MOTHER CAME TO DINNER, I'VE BEEN UNABLE TO FIND THE FRYING PAN,
YOU DON'T SUPPOSE SHE TOOK IT DO YOU?"

"WELL, I DOUBT IT, BUT I'LL E-MAIL HER JUST TO BE SURE," SAID JASON,
SO HE SAT DOWN AND WROTE:

DEAR MOTHER,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING
THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN
MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.
LOVE JASON

SEVERAL DAYS LATER, PETER RECEIVED AN E-MAIL FROM HIS MOTHER WHICH READ:

DEAR SON,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH KAREN, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP
WITH KAREN, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE
FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.
LOVE MUM

[garydavidson]

pezza that is a cracker of a joke :0)

[Tranmere Saintee]

The last time I saw that one it was about 2 guys living together :roll:

[pezza70]

I bet that was an average sydney couple also :***: