Kevin

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A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realises that it's his daughter's birthday and he has not bought her a gift. So he stops at a toy shop to buy his daughter a Barbie. Inside he sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbies are.

The girl responds: "Which one? We have:

Gymnasium Barbie: 19.95

Volleyball Barbie: 19.95

Shopping Barbie: 19.95

Surfer Barbie: 19.95

Disco Barbie: 19.95

and Divorced Barbie: 299.99

Shocked, the man asks, "why is Divorced Barbie 299.95 when all the other Barbies are 19.95?"

Exasperated, the girl responds: "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with:

Ken's Car

Ken's House

Ken's Boat

Ken's furniture

Ken's jewellery

Ken's money

Ken's computer, and

Ken's best friend..."

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A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realises that it's his daughter's birthday and he has not bought her a gift. So he stops at a toy shop to buy his daughter a Barbie. Inside he sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbies are.

The girl responds: "Which one? We have:

Gymnasium Barbie:

I don't get it

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Just watching Big Brother and saw Michael Barrymore getting a bollocking for his smoking habits. Big Brother said he was to start using the ashtrays and stop throwing his used fags in the pool.

:lol::lol::lol::lol:

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Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night. Mick, the barman, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy". Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way den."Paddy spins around on his stool, steps off, and falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. Shoite, Shoite!" he cries.

He looks to the doorway and says to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head tside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, he feels much better, takes a step out onto the pavement and falls flat on his face.

"Bejesus . . . I'm fockin' focked," says he.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and collapses inside.

He looks up the stairs and says "No fockin' way."

But he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says

"I can make it to the bed."

Again he pulls himself up by the doorframe, takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says "Fock this, I gotta stop drinking," and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says, "I did, Jess, I did. I was fockin' p*ssed, and how

did you know?"

"Mick the barman phoned . . .

You left your wheelchair at the pub."

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Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night. Mick, the barman, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy". Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way den."Paddy spins around on his stool, steps off, and falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. Shoite, Shoite!" he cries.

He looks to the doorway and says to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head tside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, he feels much better, takes a step out onto the pavement and falls flat on his face.

"Bejesus . . . I'm fockin' focked," says he.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and collapses inside.

He looks up the stairs and says "No fockin' way."

But he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says

"I can make it to the bed."

Again he pulls himself up by the doorframe, takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says "Fock this, I gotta stop drinking," and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says, "I did, Jess, I did. I was fockin' p*ssed, and how

did you know?"

"Mick the barman phoned . . .

You left your wheelchair at the pub."

Brilliant :lol::lol::lol:

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A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'.

Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious".

"Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try"?

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says here's a bug going round, and it's contagious".

"Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else"?

Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious."

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Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her undies and use them. Her friend however was wearing rather expensive underwear and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:

"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst ...my wife came home with no undies!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck in the crack of her bum that said "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

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A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned

In sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,

he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss

asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered

answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through

the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed

The helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are

they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:

"ME."

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A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts.

Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?

"Why, yes I am... How did you know?"

He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock."

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The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson,

died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. "Since you've been such a good

man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you

can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang

out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who

invented the

Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me...."

>God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something

that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run

without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me,

but aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, " Ah, yes."

"Well ," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some

major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too softand wobble too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to theexhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

"Hmmmmm, you may have some good pointsthere," replied God, "holdon."

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and

waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to

Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my

invention than yours.

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i must say all my jokes are supplied by firend in junk emails!! any way here goes

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko

drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already

asleep.

He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his

bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" Demanded

Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St

Peter".

Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!!

That can't be, I have so

much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to

send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a

catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devasted,

but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be

sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers

and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he

thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how

are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling

inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".

"Never" replies Brian

"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg

pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over

him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood

for thefirst time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you're sh*tting the bed"

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Rules of Manhood Its Funny cos its true

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella

2: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

c. After wrecking your boss' car.

d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

e. When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a staggie may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a friend's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your friend's birthday is strictly optional.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel ... and it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!

b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing, i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox 360. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever

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