Kevin

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A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the toot.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit, Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit, Ginger, get away from her before she s**ts on you!"

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  A doctor addressing a large audience in Oxford



Opening the floor for questions can be disastrous


"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye.
Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm
caused by germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"


After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake"............

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

 

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

 

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

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A Perth couple, now living in Edinburgh, are celebrating their Golden Wedding Year.  In June the wife insists on a trip back to Perth to revisit old haunts when just for once the husband, John, can't spend most of his time at McDiarmid Park.  She expresses a particular desire to see if the cafe where they used to spend hours over a cup of coffee each is still there.  Reluctantly John agrees but cheers up when he discovers it is now a top of the range French Restaurant.  The wife having agreed to drive he is rounding off an excellent meal with a cognac when she suddenly reminds him that in was in the wee lane round the back of the restaurant that they first had sex.  "Ach well that was a fair while ago" says John.  "Oh come on lets see if the wee bit of grass beside the factory fence is still there" says the wife and drags him out to see.  It is a quiet night and sure enough the lane, the grass patch and the factory fence are all still there.

 

"Very nice" says John "time we were away home".  "Oh you weren't always so coy, come on lets see if we can still manage it" says the wife.  "Och its been a while" says John but his wife lies down pulls down her knickers and says "come on there's nobody about, hang on to the fence like the last time and see how you get on".  Very reluctantly John gets into position grips the fence and tries his best.  All of a sudden he is going great guns, the sex lasts 10 minutes and when he finally rolls over his wife gasps "god John that was fantastic, far better than you managed all those years ago have you been taking Viagra"?  "No" pants John still shaking "the f---ing fence wasn't electrified 50 years ago"!

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A boy jumps in a taxi gives the driver the address when they get there he says to the cabby will you come in wie me I think my wife is fooling around on me, the cabby says ok

so in they go right into the bedroom where the punter pulls the covers off the bed to reveal his wife and the fancy man naked the punter starts threatning the fancy man wie violence 

the wife starts greetin tells  her man I'm sorry darling but he is good to us that new car you drive he bought it, the country club membership he payed for it, the cruise we went on he payed for it

the punter turns to the cabby and asks him what should I do the cabby tells him !! you better cover him up before he catches the death off cauld!! 

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A hat and a turd walk into a bar and order a drink. The barman says 'Sorry guys but I'm not serving you!' The hat says 'Why?' and the barman replies 'Cause you're off your head and your mate's steaming'

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Scottish man, english man and irish man. Rent a hotel room with a rubber dolly for the night. Scottish man and english man both take turns and had a good night. Meanwhile the irish man took much longer and came out with a shocked look on his face. The other 2 say well... Howd it go then? He replied, well guys it was all going so great right, untill i decided to give her a love bite and the b**ch farted and flew out the window!!

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Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the

school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."

His Dad replies "Never mind son, maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"

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Did you hear about the dyslectic, agnostic,insomniac ? He lay awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog !

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Peter Freeman

Do paranoid schizophrenic monomaniacal dyslexic agnostic insomniacs lie awake all night wondering if they ARE the dog that's out to get them?

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One day I might just change all of my passwords to 'Women' since nobody can seem to figure them out

------------------

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Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon is touring Perthshire in the First Minister’s chauffeur driven car.

Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur :

" You get out and check - you were driving."

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

" You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Nicola, ”I can’t afford to be blamed for anything.”

The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face.

" My God, what happened to you ?" asks Nicola.

The chauffeur replies : " When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of single malt whisky,

The wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me."

" What on earth did you say?" asks Nicola.

" I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them, I'm Nicola Sturgeon’s chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."

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Young Man: Forgive me father for I have sinned.
Priest: What is the nature of your sin?
Young Man: Last night I went out to a night club, I met the three most beautiful women and took them back to my place. There we drank, took drugs and spent the whole night making love in every position imaginable.
Priest: Go home immediately my son and suck the juice from seven lemons.
Young Man: And will that absolve me of my sins, Father?
Priest: No, but it will take that smug look off your face!

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How many Man united supporters does it take to change a lightbulb? 



Three.

One to change it, one to buy the all exclusive Manchester United, light bulb changing, commemorative t-shirt and one to drive the other two back to Torquay!

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The Fifa President, the General Secretary and the Communications Director are travelling in a car.

 

Whose driving?

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Police.

 

The Communication Director made this joke on T. V. and was promptly fired by Blatter.

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An Scottish schoolteacher explains to her class that she is fan of Gordon Strachan'steam and asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are football fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand expect one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, “Jane, why didn’t you raise your hand?”

“Because I’m not an Scottish football fan,” she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, “Well, if you are not an Scottish fan, then who are you a fan of?”

“I am a Welsh fan, and proud of it,” Jane replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears.

“Jane, why are you a Welsh fan?”

“Because my mum is a Welsh fan, and my dad is a Welsh fan, so I’m a Welsh fan too!”

“Well,” said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone,

“That is no reason for you to be a Welsh fan. You don’t have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum were a moron and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?”

“Then,” Jane smiled, “I’d be an Scottish fan.

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The Fifa President, the General Secretary and the Communications Director are travelling in a car.

 

Whose driving?

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Police.

 

The Communication Director made this joke on T. V. and was promptly fired by Blatter.

The Communication Director must be loving this.

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An Englishman walks into a bar ..............

Normally there would have been a Scotsman,Irish man and a Welshman but they are still away at the rugby World Cup !!!

I ll get my coat.

that joke will come back to haunt us during the Euros next year 

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