Das Rave Posted October 2, 2013 Report Share Posted October 2, 2013 Guy sitting, alone late one night, watching Babestation, he decides to phone the girl onscreen and asks 'Will you do anything I want?' Girl replies seductively 'Yes, I will do whatever you want me to do.' 'Could you jump over the back of the sofa that you're sitting on' 'Sure, but why?' 'Because my wife is coming down stairs and I can't find the remote!' uphallsaint 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stamford Saintee Posted October 3, 2013 Report Share Posted October 3, 2013 A Celtic fan and a Rangers fan fall off a cliff at the same time, who hits the ground first? Who cares? Wendy Saints and lmsaintee 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saintscotty Posted October 3, 2013 Report Share Posted October 3, 2013 I've just played the u2 version of monopoly.... it's shoite, the streets have no names. uphallsaint 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HOODLUM65 Posted October 4, 2013 Report Share Posted October 4, 2013 Went to the Zoo yesterday, what a disappointment . The only animal on show was a dog. It was a Shitzu. babychunder 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saintscotty Posted October 4, 2013 Report Share Posted October 4, 2013 Man utd are dropping the red devils nickname, their new one is the Port Talbot........... somewhere between Cardiff and Swansea. Wendy Saints 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saintscotty Posted October 5, 2013 Report Share Posted October 5, 2013 I bought venison for my kids to try for the first time. "Is this deer dad?" they asked. I replied "It's not cheap." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saintdunc Posted October 5, 2013 Report Share Posted October 5, 2013 A Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining" he said to his wife. "No, that felt more like snow to me" she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said. Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then, they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing." As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?""It's raining, of course!" he replied, and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" The man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saintscotty Posted October 7, 2013 Report Share Posted October 7, 2013 Mick Hucknall has been caught having sex with a rabbit......... he was holding back the ears and the bunny was too tight to mention. SaintinReading 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stanley saint Posted October 19, 2013 Report Share Posted October 19, 2013 Went to the doctors to speak about my premature ejaculation issue. Doctor asked how the wife feels. The first time she she took it on the chin, now its getting on her tits Barty1884 and Fair Maid 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saintscotty Posted October 28, 2013 Report Share Posted October 28, 2013 Just played muslim cluedo. Mohammed done it, on a plane with a backpack! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saintdunc Posted October 29, 2013 Report Share Posted October 29, 2013 One day a Glasgow man decided to retire...He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the timeof his life, that is, until the ship sunk.He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies,nothing, only bananas and coconuts.After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the mostgorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore in disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where Ilanded when my cruise ship sank.""Amazing," he notes.. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash upwith you.""Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some rawmaterial I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum treebranches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides andstern came from a Eucalyptus tree.""But, where did you get the tools?""Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of theisland, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I foundthat if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted intoductile iron, I used that to make tools and used the tools to make thehardware."The guy is stunned."Let's row over to my place," she says. So, after a short time ofrowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and treehouse.While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please.""Would you like a drink?""No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed.. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice""It's not coconut juice" winks the woman, "I have a still, how would you like a Tropical Spritz?"Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sitdown on her couch to talk.After they exchange their individual survival stories, the womanannounces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Wouldyou like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroomcabinet upstairs."No longer questioning anything, the Weegie lad goes upstairs into thebathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece oftortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastenedon to its end inside a swivel mechanism."This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns,she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines,each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. Shethen beckons for him to sit down next to her."Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We'veboth been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There'ssomething I'm certain you feel like right now, something you've beenlonging for, right?" She stares into his eyes.He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean ..." he swallowsexcitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "You've made a chip pan?" uphallsaint 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saintscotty Posted November 5, 2013 Report Share Posted November 5, 2013 I met this kinky girl the other night. "Humiliate me!" she said.... so i bought her a Dundee shirt. Fair Maid 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saintscotty Posted November 17, 2013 Report Share Posted November 17, 2013 I see Dundee FC have brought out an advent calendar........ all the windows are boarded up and someone's nicked all the chocolates. uphallsaint and babychunder 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
uphallsaint Posted November 22, 2013 Report Share Posted November 22, 2013 When I was a child my parents never allowed me to have a dog. I had to eat my own homework. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saintscotty Posted November 23, 2013 Report Share Posted November 23, 2013 I saw Pete Doherty the other day, i asked him if he was still addicted. He said "Yeah, and my name's not Ted." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chips Posted December 2, 2013 Report Share Posted December 2, 2013 A farmer see's a man drinking out a puddle in one of his fields he says... "Dinnae drink oot oh that its foo oh coos piss" The man replys "Im sorry old chap im english,could you please talk in a language that i can understand" "Certainly sir".. says the farmer..."Use both hands you'll get more in your mouth that way" Fair Maid and AthensSaint 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saintdunc Posted December 8, 2013 Report Share Posted December 8, 2013 respect due where respect is due; Nelson Mandela dies at 95.....thats 5 miles faster than Paul Walker! Your best ever post! Mike 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babychunder Posted December 9, 2013 Report Share Posted December 9, 2013 Nightmare journey to work this morning, behind aw thae slow movin cars tootin their horns and that, must have been dyslexic Africans on their way to lay wreaths at Nissan Main Dealers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chips Posted December 11, 2013 Report Share Posted December 11, 2013 Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant." Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?." Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chips Posted December 16, 2013 Report Share Posted December 16, 2013 Ma uncle bob lost his voice and both his legs all in one day But he's no making a song and dance about it though Barty1884 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edstar101 Posted December 18, 2013 Report Share Posted December 18, 2013 Why do students only open one curtain in the morning? If they opened both they would have nothing to do in the afternoon AthensSaint 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chips Posted December 18, 2013 Report Share Posted December 18, 2013 Just been to Tesco's With the wife and out of the blue she says ....." you're one lazy b****** " Well I was so shocked I nearly fell out of the trolley! Davey, SaintinReading, AthensSaint and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chips Posted December 22, 2013 Report Share Posted December 22, 2013 Youve got to love this little verse from an Aberdeen..... I be a farmer, my name is Bob, and I'm widely renowned for the size of my knob. It's too big for women, it just makes them weep but it's just right for me cows but a bit tight for me sheep. sixties saintee and Barty1884 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saintscotty Posted December 25, 2013 Report Share Posted December 25, 2013 If you are disappointed with any of your presents this morning, just remember, there is someone out there unwrapping a Dundee shirt. uphallsaint 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HOODLUM65 Posted December 25, 2013 Report Share Posted December 25, 2013 I was in a Chinese restaurant the other day, when this duck comes in with a red rose. He said " your eyes sparkle like diamonds" I yelled " Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.