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Kevin
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Guy sitting, alone late one night, watching Babestation, he decides to phone the girl onscreen and asks 'Will you do anything I want?'

 

Girl replies seductively 'Yes, I will do whatever you want me to do.'

 

'Could you jump over the back of the sofa that you're sitting on'

 

'Sure, but why?'

 

'Because my wife is coming down stairs and I can't find the remote!'

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A Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining" he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me" she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said. 

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then, they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course!" he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!"

The man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

One day a Glasgow man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time
of his life, that is, until the ship sunk.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies,
nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most
gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore in disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I
landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes.. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up
with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw
material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree
branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and
stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the
island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found
that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
ductile iron, I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the
hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. So, after a short time of
rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and treehouse.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed.. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice"
"It's not coconut juice" winks the woman, "I have a still, how would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit
down on her couch to talk.

After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman
announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would
you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom
cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the Weegie lad goes upstairs into the
bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of
tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened
on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns,
she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines,
each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She
then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've
both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There's
something I'm certain you feel like right now, something you've been
longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean ..." he swallows
excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "You've made a chip pan?"

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

A farmer see's a man drinking out a puddle in one of his fields he says...

 

"Dinnae drink oot oh that its foo oh coos piss"

 

The man replys "Im sorry old chap im english,could you please talk in a language that i can understand"

 

"Certainly sir".. says the farmer..."Use both hands you'll get more in your mouth that way"

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Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.

3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.

2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.

Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"

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