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Kevin
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From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever

wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We

have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over

100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% ! in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might h! elp you answer

these

questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented

as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 2526.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% !

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard

work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you

there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put

you over the

top.

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Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Innovative

B) Preliminary

c) Proliferation

d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Specificity

B) British Constitution

c) Passive-aggressive disorder

d) Transubstantiate

Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.

B) Nope, no more booze for me.

c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.

d) No kebab for me, thank you.

e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

f) I'm not interested in fighting you.

>g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.

h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have

zeroco-ordination.

i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to wee in the street.

j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

k) Nude run? Not for me thanks.

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guess who is clearing out their email account??

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.

Clearly impressed, he buys a pack Upon getting home he announces to

his wife the purchase he's just made. "Olympic condoms?", she

blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There are three colours", he

replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What colour are you going to

wear tonight?", she asks cheekily. "Gold of course", says the man

proudly.

The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be

nice if you came second for a change!"

In Liverpool, the makers of Fairy Liquid are about to run a new

advert.

It's on the same basic format: Small Child: "Mummy, why are your

hands so soft?" Mother: "Because I'm twelve."

Three male mice were sitting at a bar with three shots of tequila

and arguing about how tough they wereThe first mouse said, "I'm so

tough I break into the

cupboard just to eat the rat poison. "He slammed down his tequila

and looked at the second mouse.

The second mouse replied, "That's nothing, I'm so tough I run

through a mouse trap, grab the cheese, flip onto my back &

benchpress the killer springed trapwire. " He slammed down his

tequila and looked at the third mouse.

The third mouse slammed down his tequila, slid off his stool and

began walking away from the bar.

The other mice screamed, "Hey, Softy, where do you think you're

going?!!"

The third mouse replied, "Home to sh*g the cat."

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual checkup. The

doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never

felt better. I have an

18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think

about that?" The doctor considers his question for a minute and

says, "I have a friend who is

an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going

out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella

rather than his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver

sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his umbrella and went;

"Bang, bang," and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of

that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for

a little fireside chat.

He says Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our

honeymoon

suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said,

Here honey, try these on. So she did and said, Well sweetie they're

a little too big, I can't wear them. So I replied, exactly. I wear

the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night

we have never had any problems.

Hmmm... says Jack.

He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So, on his honeymoon

Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, Here babe, try these on.

So she does and says, These are too large, they don't fit me. So

Jack says, ...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always

will, and I don't want you to ever forget that. Then Jill takes off

her knickers and hands them to Jack and says, Here, you try on mine.

So he does and says, I can't get into your knickers. So Jill says,

Exactly. And if you don't change your f***king attitude, You never

will.

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A young boy went up to his father and asked, "What is the

difference between potentially' and 'realistically'?

The father pondered for a while, then answered "Go and ask

your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million

pounds. Also, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a

million pounds.

Come back and tell me what you have learned."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert

Redford for a million pounds?" The mother replied, "Of course I

would.

I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his sister and said, "Would you sleep with Brad

Pitt for a million pounds?" The girl replied, "Oh gosh!! I would

just

love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!!"

The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went

back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the

difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on two

million pounds, realistically we're living with two slappers."

The father replied, "That's my boy!"

************************************************************************

A teacher asks her class,

"If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and

you shoot one of them,

how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny.

He replies,"None, they all fly away with the

first gun shot"

The teacher replies

"The correct answer is 4,

but I like your thinking."

Then Little Johnny says

"I have a question for YOU.

There are three women

sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of

the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top

and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied,

"Well I suppose the one that's

gobbled down the top and sucked the cone"

To which Little Johnny replied,

"The correct answer is the one with the

wedding ring on,... but I like your thinking."

************************************************************************

Math Class

Little Johnny returns from school

and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"

But that's right!"

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the ****ing difference?" asks the father.

That's what I said!

English

Little Johnny goes to school,

and the teacher says, 'Today we are going

to learn multi-syllable words, class.

Does anybody have an example of a

multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand,

'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny,

what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says,

'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says,

'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".

************************************************************************

Beautiful

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar,

the teacher asked for a show

of hands from those who could use the word

"beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with,

"My father bought my mother a beautiful dress

and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet

and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.

"Last night, at the dinner table,

my sister told my father that she was pregnant,

and he said, 'Beautiful, ......just ****ing beautiful!'"

************************************************************************

An Englishman, Irishman, and a Scotsman went for a round of golf; their

wives went along as caddies.

While walking around the golf course the Englishman's wife caught

her foot in a rabbit hole, fell over landing with her skirt up over her

head, revealing that she was wearing NO KNICKERS!!

The Englishman stormed over angrily demanding a reason for her extreme

undress. 'Well darling,' she explained 'you give me such little

allowance and I have to make the odd sacrifice and usually no

one notices.' The Englishman thrust his hands into his pocket and

gave her a ten pound note to go to Marks & Spencer to buy some

knickers.

Two holes further along the Irishman's wife fell over a molehill,

tripped up, landed in a heap on the ground. Again, her skirt was up over

her head exposing all and revealing NO KNICKERS!! The Irishman was livid

and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of

undergarments. 'Well darling,' she explained, 'you give me such

little allowance I simply cannot afford undergarments.' The Irishman

thrust his hands into his pockets and said, 'Here's a fiver. Go to

Woolworth's and get some knickers woman.'

Three holes further on, the Scotsman's wife caught her foot on an

exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt up over her

head revealing that she too was wearing NO KNICKERS!! Her

explanation was the same, lack of allowance. The Scotsman thrust his hand into his

pocket and said 'Here's a comb, at least tidy yerself up a wee

bit!!!!!

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Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and

says:

Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a

headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll

find

that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

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LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT MORNING. I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME.

AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY BIRTHDAY."

I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL REMEMBER.MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD. SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT DESPONDENT.

AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING, BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED. I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."

I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY.

LET'S GO!" WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO. WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY

ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY... WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?"

I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?"

SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."

AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK."

"OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.

SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT; CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE... FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".

AND I JUST SAT THERE...

ON THE COUCH...

NAKED.

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  • 1 month later...

On a tour of Australia, the Pope took a few days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing an English rugby jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark.

As the Pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing Wallabies rugby jerseys. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while the other two reached out and pulled the blue, semi-conscious Pommie fan from the water. Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there were some bitter hatreds between Australian and English rugby fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies, "Who was that?"

"It was the Pope" one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well" the harpooner said, "he may have access to God and his wisdom, but he doesn't know jack about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up OK or do we need to get another one?"

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Here's one for St Patrick's Day :lol:

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me

life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside

me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street

corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,

he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and

the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

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Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland"

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about in Ireland might you be from?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, in what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."

Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again"

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

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While I was driving down the A90 today, (going a little faster than I

should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait. The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk, asked: "Runway too short?" to which I replied, "I'm so sorry Officer but I am late for work" To which he asked, "What do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded. The copper was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up

to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, Work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely

stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet." Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?" To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Speeding ticket: £105.00

Penalty Points : 3

Court costs: £45

Look on copper's face: Priceless

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>A chicken farmer goes into a local tavern, takes a seat at the bar

> >next to a female patron and orders a glass of champagne.

> >

> >The woman perks up and says "How about that? I just ordered a glass

> >of champagne, too!"

> >

> >He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day

> >for me. I'm celebrating."

> >

> >"This is a special day for me too and I'm also celebrating!" says the

> >woman.

> >

> >"What a coincidence." says the man.

> >

> >

> They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

> >

> >"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today my

> >gynaeocologists told me I'm pregnant!"

> >

> >"What a coincidence," says the man, "I'm a chicken farmer. For years

> >all my hens were infertile but today they're finally fertile."

> >

> >"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become

> >fertile?"

> >

> >"I switched cocks." he replied.

> >

> >"What a coincidence," she said

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  • 2 weeks later...

Ethel loved to speed in her wheelchair and charge around the

nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed

on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor

when a door opened and Cooky Clarence stepped out with his arm

outstretched "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice.

"Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat

wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped

down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel,

Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you

got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a

drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand.

"Oh, good grief," said Ethel,

Not the breathalyser again!"

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Edward was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Sparky, Captain of Industry etc, but Edward was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll goout with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Edward aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No" said Edward, "He plays Rugby for England but I was just too embarrassed to say."

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To find a woman you need time and money therefore:

Woman = Time x Money

According to sources "Time is money" thus:

Time = Money

Therefore woman equals time x money which is money x money so:

Woman = money squared

Now money is the root of all problems

Money = root of problems

therefore Woman equals the root of problems to the power of 2, with the root and the square cancelling each other out you get:

Woman = problems

:wink:

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A motorist, on his way home from work in Westminster came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual.

After a short while, he noticed a Police Officer walking towards him, between the lines of stopped cars. He rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the hold up?" the Constable replied: - "Tony Blair is depressed, so he stopped his motorcar and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire." "He says no one believes his stories;

about why we went to war in Iraq,

or that there is no pensions crisis,

or the worsening economy,

or that constant adding of stealth taxes,

or that his education reforms are going to do any good,

or that the health service is safe in his hands,

or that immigration is under control,

or that he's not George Bush's lapdog,

or that his Party's proposed tax cuts won't help anyone except his wealthy friends,

or that his chairmanship of the European Community hasn't just led to more power being surrendered to the French ........

So we're taking up a collection for him.

Thoughtfully, the man asks, "How much have you got so far?"

The Officer replies, "About forty gallons, but a lot of people are still siphoning........"

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Top 5 Winning Smart Ass Answers For 2005

_____

Smart Ass Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed at her.

Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

*****************

Smart Ass Answer #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

*******************

Smart Ass Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

*******************

Smart Ass Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

*******************

#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2005.......................

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said

"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

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Sent to my partner by her friend. I laughed!

OBEDIENT WIFE

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his

money, and was a real miser.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take

all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he

died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting

there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished

the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket,

the wife said, " Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the

casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that

money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied," Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my

word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket

with him."

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!"I "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Send this to every clever female you know. All you female Saintees will like this.

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Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."

Wee Jock (a typical Scottish twang) thinks, "Ya bassa. Am pure dead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff. This is gonnae be a dawdle, come on! lang weekend fir me.'

Teacher: "Right class, who can tell me who said 'Don't ask what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Wee Jock shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front.

Teacher: "Yes, Jeremy."

Jeremy (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy -

inauguration speech 1960."

Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday."

The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jock is even more determined.

Teacher: "Who said.Â’we will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?'"

Wee Jock's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know. Me Miss, me Miss."

Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: "Yes Timothy."

Timothy (In a very, very posh, English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech."

Teacher: “Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday."

The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jock is hyper, he's been studying encyclopedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes.

He's coiled in his wee chair, slavers dripping in anticipation.

Teacher: "Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind'?"

Wee Jock's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Miss, me miss, meeeeee!"

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front: "Yes Rupert."

Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plumy English accent: "Yes miss that was Neil Armstrong. 1969, the first moon landing."

Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday."

Wee Jock loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming: "For **** Sake WHERE did all these English bastards come from?"

Teacher looking round the class: "Who the hell said that?"

Wee Jock, grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746. See yous on Tuesday."

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