Rankrotten Posted January 4, 2014 Report Share Posted January 4, 2014 Festive joke i heard... spent the night in an advent calender, it was freezing, someone left all the windows open. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chips Posted January 6, 2014 Report Share Posted January 6, 2014 A young woman goes to her doctor complaining that the insides of her upper thighs have turned green. The doctor examined her and asked her if by any chance she went out with a gypsy. When she said yes the doctor said "Well tell him his ear rings aren't real gold!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saintscotty Posted January 27, 2014 Report Share Posted January 27, 2014 Piss soaked floor? Criminals all along the corridor? Bars on the windows? You're in a council flat in Dundee. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MySpazz Posted January 28, 2014 Report Share Posted January 28, 2014 ABERDEEN EDITION It is rumoured that the entire population of Aberdeen took to the streets with an empty glass in their hands when the weather forecaster said there would be a nip in the air. --------------------------- A visitor to an Aberdeen bar was surprised to find the beer only two pence a pint. The barman explained that it was the price to mark the centenary of the pub opening. The visitor noticed, however, that the bar was empty. "Are the regular customers not enjoying the special prices?" he asked. To which the barman replied "They're waiting for the Happy Hour" ------------------------- What do you call an Aberdeen fan with loads of girlfriends? A shepherd. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MySpazz Posted January 28, 2014 Report Share Posted January 28, 2014 Two Dons supporting farmers are flying with their herd of sheep to a new farm. Suddenly, the plane engine fails and it rapidly descends towards the ground. Dons Fan 1: Quick! Grab a parachute and jump! Dons Fan 2: What about the sheep ??? Dons Fan 1: F~ck the sheep!!! Dons Fan 2: ...(pause)... Do you think we have time? deej 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saintdunc Posted March 1, 2014 Report Share Posted March 1, 2014 THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'downunder.'Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?A: Melt them down, make a tyre, and call it a Goodyear.Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when they go, they take your house and car with them.Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERSQ: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.Nominated as the world's best short joke....A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?''Not yet,' she replied. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saintdunc Posted March 1, 2014 Report Share Posted March 1, 2014 A man received the following text from his neighbour:I am so sorry Bill. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. Ihave been tapping up your wife, day and night when you're not around. I'mnot getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live withthe guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promisethat it won't happen again.Bill, full of anguish and feeling hugely betrayed, went into his bedroom,grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.A few moments later, a second text came in:Damn auto correct. I meant "WiFi", not "wife" Sorry!!!!!!!!!!. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chips Posted March 7, 2014 Report Share Posted March 7, 2014 ****ing hell love, this is interesting." i said to my wife looking up from my computer. "It says here that the giant squid, which until last year had never been seen alive, is actually estimated as a 100 million-strong species, worldwide." "What the **** are you telling me that for?" she said, angrily. "You were supposed to be on the internet searching out cool tattoo designs for my bum-cheek.""I was, love." i said. "But I had to make sure there'd be enough ****ing ink, first." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saintscotty Posted March 13, 2014 Report Share Posted March 13, 2014 (edited) What's Man City got in common with Oscar Pistorius? They lost both legs and still managed 4 shots on target. Edited March 13, 2014 by saintscotty Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saintdunc Posted March 13, 2014 Report Share Posted March 13, 2014 A Scot was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Scottish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average upour way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Highland baby boy." Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Scottish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren'tyou? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.....so how much does he weigh now?"The proud father answers, Seventeen pounds.The bartender is puzzled and concerned. What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born.The father takes a slow swig from his Johnny Walker Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "we had him circumcised". HOODLUM65 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
south inch Posted March 19, 2014 Report Share Posted March 19, 2014 A minister is leaving his country parish having obtained an appointment to a big city church. A church "social" is being held to say farewell and he is enjoying a pleasant evening until to his horror he spots his chief critic in the congregation, an elderly lady with very decided views. He tries to avoid her but is eventually cornered. "Well minister so you're leaving"! "Um yes, most reluctantly I can assure you". "Humph" says the old dear "well anyway I can say without doubt that the next man will not be as good a minister as you". Feeling ashamed of his unchristian thoughts the minister starts to stutter his thanks when the old dear speaks again. "Aye - in my time here we have had 13 ministers and each one has been worse than the man before"! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HOODLUM65 Posted March 21, 2014 Report Share Posted March 21, 2014 I got a rude letter back from Screwfix . Apparently they're not a dating agency . uphallsaint 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saintdunc Posted March 23, 2014 Report Share Posted March 23, 2014 A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumblingBack and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,"Can I help you Sir?""Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?""It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's todgerhanging out of his fly for all the world to see.He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and withoutMissing a beat, blurts out...."Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saintdunc Posted March 23, 2014 Report Share Posted March 23, 2014 The Four SonsFour men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new homefor free. Just gave it to him!"The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that hegave one of his friends a new Mercedes, fully loaded."The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave hisfriend an entire portfolio."The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "Wewere just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar."The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must bedoing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saintscotty Posted March 25, 2014 Report Share Posted March 25, 2014 I see Jeremy Clarkson and Piers Morgan have been slating each other on twitter. Strange, i thought they would have got on well with each other, what with one being a c*nt and the other a prick. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saintscotty Posted March 26, 2014 Report Share Posted March 26, 2014 I proposed to my Dundee girlfriend by hiding the engagement ring inside a bar of soap. 3 years later and i'm still waiting for an answer! Fair Maid 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chips Posted March 27, 2014 Report Share Posted March 27, 2014 A pastor was minding chickens in his church premises and one evening a cock went missing, the next morning in the church he confronted the congregation asking, "Who has a cock"? All the men stood up, "no i mean who has seen a cock"?, all the women stood up, "no i mean who has seen a cock that is not their's ?" Half of the church stood up, "oh for goodness sakes, who has seen my cock ?" All the choir girls stood up. The pastor's wife fainted. The Great Paddy Buckley and Barty1884 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gussie Posted April 19, 2014 Report Share Posted April 19, 2014 A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper. The Doctor asks: "What's the problem? The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me." The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down. Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?" The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick". fazman1977 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gussie Posted April 19, 2014 Report Share Posted April 19, 2014 Two Irish friends leave the pub. One says to the other,´I can´t be bothered to walk all the way home.´ ´I know, me too but we haven´t got any money for a cab and we´ve missed the last bus home. We could steal a bus from the Depot,´ replies his mate. They arrive at the Depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out. After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, ´What are you doing? Have you not found one yet?´ ¨I can´t find a number 91!´ shouts his mate. ´Oh, for goodness sake, ye thick sod, take the number 14 and we´ll walk from the roundabout!´ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saintdunc Posted April 28, 2014 Report Share Posted April 28, 2014 Defence Attorney:Will you please state your age?Old Lady:I am 94 years old.Defence Attorney:Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?Old Lady:There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.Defence Attorney:Did you know him?Old Lady:No, but he sure was friendly.Defence Attorney:What happened after he sat down?Old Lady:He started to rub my thigh.Defence Attorney:Did you stop him?Old Lady:No, I didn't stop him.Defence Attorney:Why not?Little Old Lady:It felt good. Nobody had done that since my David died some 30 years ago.Defence Attorney:What happened next?Old Lady:He began to rub all over my body.Defence Attorney:Did you stop him then?Old Lady:No, I did not stop him.Defence Attorney:Why not?Old Lady:His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!Defence Attorney:What happened next?Old Lady:Well, by then, I was feeling so spicy' that I just laid down and told him'Take me, young man. Take me now!'Defence Attorney:Did he take you?Old Lady:Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little b****** Barty1884, fazman1977, Fair Maid and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chips Posted May 4, 2014 Report Share Posted May 4, 2014 A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, d***, let's go." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
south inch Posted May 8, 2014 Report Share Posted May 8, 2014 A young dead keen British spy is posted to the Moscow Embassy. His first assignment is a Russian Government reception where he is tasked with trying to find out what Putin is planning for the Ukraine. He quickly discovers that there are no Russian foreign policy people present, he has been sent to the wrong reception! However, at the dinner he finds himself seated next to an absolutely stunning blonde so he decides to try his luck so that the evening might not be a complete waste of time. He tries some chat up lines but she just smiles sweetly and does not appear to understand English. He moves to a more direct approach drops his napkin and fondles her ankle before picking it up. This earns him a smile. Encouraged he leans down and slowly moves his hand up her calf to her knee. This produces an even bigger smile. Trying to look as calm as possible he moves on up to her thigh and is about to move to her knickers when with a beaming smile she passes him a note. Hardly able to contain himself he rips it open and reads "Show nor surprise when you reach my balls" Carruthers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wazeroonie Posted May 9, 2014 Report Share Posted May 9, 2014 I'd just come out of the bank when I noticed that some lovely person has complimented me on my parking. They left a note on the windscreen saying 'Parking Fine'- which was nice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saintscotty Posted June 4, 2014 Report Share Posted June 4, 2014 What does an England fan do after they've won the World Cup? Switch off their Playstation. lmsaintee and SaintinReading 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chips Posted June 5, 2014 Report Share Posted June 5, 2014 (edited) Mermaid sittin on a rock and she was crying, a man walking passed goes over and asks ''why are you crying?'' The mermaid said ''ive never been kissed'' So the man leans over and he gives her a long lingering kiss then starts to walk off The mermaid starts to cry again,so the man walks back over and asks "You've been kissed so why are you still crying" The mermaid replys "Okay now i've been kissed but i've still never been F***ed" "Well yer f***ed now" states the man "The tide went oot 20 minutes ago" Edited June 5, 2014 by chips Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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