Kevin

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A man named Larry joins a very exclusive nudist colony....
On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.....
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.
'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.
The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'
The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I get a hardon once a month. I fart 35 times a ****ing day!!'

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A man walks into a bar followed by an ostrich and a cat,the barman asks him what hes drinking,a beer he replied,i'll have a beer to said the ostrich,me too said the cat but im no paying.The barman pours their drink and charges them £8.40 which the man pays with the exact change

20 minutes later the same thing again,a beer says the man,a beer says the ostrich a beer says the cat but im no paying,£8.40 the man paid again with the exact change

This happened a further 4 times before they left

The next day the man walks back into the bar followed by the ostrich and cat

What can i get you today says the barman,a Vodie and coke says the man,a whisky says the ostrich,i'll have a tia maria and coke and im no paying states the cat

That'll be £6.70 says the barman and the man pays with the exact change

Overly curious now the barman asks the man why he always pays with the exact money,well he states i found a genie in a lamp and got 3 wishes,the first wish was that whatever i buy i will have the exact money in my pocket. Good idea says the barman that way you'll never run out of money.Aye but thats where i fecked up says the man,i also asked for a bird wi long legs and a tight pussy

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My attractive next-door neighbour knocked on my door to warn me that someone had been stealing underwear off of her washing line.

I almost sh@ her pants.

Edited by Hendo

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As the door of his cell slams shut behind him and the lights go out, Rolf Harris puts his head in his hands .

He thinks of what he has done and begins to cry .

Suddenly behind him a voice sings "Did you think I would leave you crying when there's room in my bunk for two "

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Lonely single guy goes into a pet shop to buy something to keep him entertained. The shop owner shows him something very rare, a talking centipede! So he pays for it and takes it home in a box.
Later in the afternoon, he lifts the lid off the box and tells the centipede " I fancy a beer at the pub later, you wanna come?" But there was no reply.
About an hour later, he opens the box and says "Listen, I'm going soon, you want to come or not?" But again, no reply.
Severely pissed off at the thought that he had been ripped off, he decides to return the centipede to the shop in the morning, but just to make sure he lifts the lid off and yells into the box "ok you little shit, that's it, I'm going".
The centipede looks up at him and says "For ****s sake, what are you shouting about. I heard you the first time and I'm just putting my shoes on"

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The Queen invites Alex Salmond for dinner and the conversation goes thus after turning to the possibility of breaking away from the Union

AS. I think we will call Scotland a Kingdom so I can be King.

QE. I think not Mr Salmond.

AS. What about Principality so I could be Prince?

QE. I think not.

QE. (Getting a little agitated) Mr Cod, I think you should stick to country.

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,

"Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.

"I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck.

"Where is it?"

"At the circus," Says the barman.

"The circus?" Repeats the duck.

"That's right," Replies the barman.

"The circus?" The duck asks again.

with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ... . ........

"What the **** would they want with a plasterer??!"

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an auld married couple were sitting in church one Sunday morning. The wife turns tae the husband and whispers " I've just dropped a silent fart. I think it's goan tae smell rotten. What dae ye think I should do?"

Husband " Get new batteries fir yer hearing aid"!

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A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it -- this is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge at her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."

He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

The young man replies. "No problem, just get that ****ing lion out of the way."

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The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for gonorrhea .We can't tell which is which.'
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

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A duck walks in to a pharmacy, walks up to the attendant and asks "you got any grapes?"

The attendant says no and the duck leaves.

 

The next day the duck walks into the pharmacy, walks up to the attendant and asks "you got any grapes?"

The attendant says no and the duck leaves.

 

The following day the duck walks into the pharmacy, walks up to the attendant and asks "you got any grapes?"

The attendant, getting angry now says "no, I don't have any f*ckin' grapes, and if you come in here again asking for bloody grapes, i'll nail that f*cking beak of yours to the wall!" The duck leaves.

 

The next day, the duck walks into the pharmacy and up to the attendant and asks "got any nails?" the attendant says "no, I'm a pharmacy, we don't have any nails!" The duck says "well then.....got any grapes?"

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Just back from my health check where the doctor said to me

"I dont want you to eat anything fatty "

I replied " oh aye likr pies and burgers ?"....he replied

 

Naw I dont want you to eat anything.........fatty !

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