Jokes

[Kaylor88]

Whats black and screams like f**k?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

superb

What is E.T short for?.................................Because he has short legs

[perthsaint1884]

haha kaylor quality

[Calinho]

Speaking of stevie wonder have u seen his new car?

Nah, neithers he

[Moray Blue]

ITV are making a new show starring Michael Barrymore.

It's called "Only Pools and Corpses"

[SQUIDGER]

micheal barrymore was asked if he was going to do pantomime this year.

'no' he said ' i did Aladin a few years ago and have never heard the end of it'

[Kevin]

Sorry I missed posting on Friday, was out getting pished

Ain't it the Truth!!!

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.

The nurse starts with certain basic items.

"How much do you weigh?" she asks.

"8 stones," she says.

The nurse puts her on the scale.

It turns out her weight is 9 stones.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"

"5 foot 8," she says.

The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 3".

She then takes her blood pressure

And tells the woman it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" she screams, When I came in here I was tall and slender!

Now I'm short and fat!"

............

Flour and Water

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue?..

and then you add eggs and sugar...

and you get cake?

Where did the glue go ?

NEED AN ANSWER?

You know damn well where it went!

That's what makes the cake stick to your waistline!!!

[geo69]

Have you been reading Womans Weekly?

[Guest Nairn Saint]

Sorry I missed posting on Friday, was out getting pished

A perfectly reasonable excuse Kevin.

[Kevin]

Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Coliseum. "Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."

The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"

Brutus turns to his mate and says " He doesn't half talk some rubbish. He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."

Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses the crowd in the Coliseum. "Friends, Romans, Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".

The crowd are up on their feet again. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".

Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of this rubbish, I'm off to France to check this out."

So Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome.

Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again "Friends, Romans, Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort them out".

The crowd are up on their feet. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar !"

Brutus jumps up and shouts "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had

killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000 !!!"

The crowd are stunned and all sit down in silence.

Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum then across at Brutus and says...........

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"Brutus, you are forgetting one thing . . . . . Away Gauls count double in Europe !"

[Kevin]

Reports from British Media....

1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."

(The Daily Telegraph)

2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.

(The Manchester Evening News)

3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.

(The Guardian)

4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".

(The Times)

5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and

asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.

(Aberdeen Evening Express)

6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience

with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week

to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled.

"He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in

the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"

(Bournemouth Evening Echo)

A list of announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I

know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be

married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the

Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from

E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know

any further information as soon as I'm given any."

3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that

last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The

bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and

East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a

security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the

foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time

together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."

5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker

Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so

I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these

professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a

registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver

announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna,

ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."

8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause.) "Oh go on then, stuff

yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please

hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."

10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that

the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the

door."

12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the

second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you

understand?"

13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move

ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message

to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put

the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door

before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!"

14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed

on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's

only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

[Guest Nairn Saint]

No one will read those without crying with laughter. Absolute quality! Cheers Kevin.

[Steve Maskrey]

English lesson: How to word a sentence properly

The boss had to fire somebody. He narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision; they were both super workers. So, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night and she went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit today!

[Kevin]

A Wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading

rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[Kevin]

Who said romance was dead? These are some more ads from a Scottish lonely-hearts column.

Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone, Gemini,

seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions,

candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel.Box09/08

Aberdeenman, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered. Box06/03

Heavy drinker, 35,Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting fights on Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning.Box73/82.

Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by longtime fiancee seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.Box53/41

Ginger-haired Paisley troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.Box84/87

Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential. Box12/32

Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No timewasters.Box23/45

Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old b****** living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big chest.Box40/27

Devil-worshiper,Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.Box52/07

Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition at Framptons Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort-drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please!Box30/41

Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm

[Kevin]

Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on. That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling. Please remove my shoes. My feet are killing me!

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge.

"Harder!" yelled Camilla.

"Harder!" Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, See? I told you with a face like that, she was still a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy: once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"

[Guest Nairn Saint]

Cheers Kevin mate. The lonely hearts ones are quality!

[Stamford Saintee]

A Muslim has been caught driving his car into that dam in Yorkshire......Police believe it's the start of RamAdam!

[Kevin]

RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF !!!!!!!!!!

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on the course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners have the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as are necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the hole again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course currently being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring appropriate rain gear.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate to discover that someone else is playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the hole temporarily under repair. Players are cautioned to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged, however players should be prepared to play at a faster pace at the request of the course owner.

14. It is considered outstanding performance to play the same hole several times in one match, time permitting.

15. The course owner shall be the sole judge of who is the best player

[Kevin]

Thoughts For The Day

HOUSEWIVES. Make the normally mundane task of switching the central heating on a little more exciting by singing 'The heating's on' to the tune of 80s hit The Heat is On by Glen Frey as you are doing it

OLD PEOPLE. Save having to get a flu jab each year by not queuing outside the Post Office every Tuesday morning in the pouring rain an hour before it opens. They won't run out of money. It's not like the queue outside the butcher's during the war.

PARENTS. When people ask how old your child is, they want to know how old he is at the moment. The phrase 'he/she will be five next birthday' involves some tricky calculations and is not very useful.

MOURNERS. Read the dress code instructions on funeral invitations very carefully. Sombre, whilst being only 2 letters away from sombrero, is a world apart in tone.

MUMS. Confuse your children by mixing butter with their I can't Believe It's Not Butter. They won't know what to believe.

RYANAIR passengers. These days they let ALL passengers off the planes, thus eliminating the need to all clamber to the front the second the aircraft lands.

CONTESTANTS on Wife Swap Try not to be so surprised at how different the other family is. That is, and always has been, the format of the show.

DAILY Mail editors. Confuse your readers by claiming that asylum seekers are the natural predators of paedophiles.

CITY Link Couriers. When delivering parcels to an address your are unfamiliar with, why not check on your GPS system. This will save you the hassle of telling your boss you tried to deliver it but there was nobody in. It would also save the poor sod who had waited in all day from taking another day off work.

STATELY home owners. Sprinkle pepper into the helmets of suits of armour so as any intruders who hide in them when being chased will give themselves away by sneezing just after you walk past.

DEFY the government at the start of British Summer Time by refusing to put your clocks forward at 2.00 in the morning. 'Save' the hour for later in the day. You still get your lie-in and you can fast forward your day when it suits you, like when there is nothing on telly.

BOOKSHOP owners. Annoy Christians by putting the Bible in the 'Fiction' section of your shop where, joking aside, it actually belongs.

TOURETTES sufferers with an interest in Victoriana. Simply replace shouting 'f**k', 'c***' and 'w****r' with 'poppycock', 'fiddlesticks' and 'balderdash' to recreate an authentic Victorian experience.

CONVINCE neighbours that you own an old fashioned typewriter by wearing metal thimbles and drumming your fingers on a plastic tray. Every ten seconds ting a wine glass with a pencil and run a butter knife along the teeth of a comb before continuing drumming your fingers.

CITY Link couriers. The address on the side of the carton holds many gems of information, for example, the name of the town as well as the street. because, believe it or not, there is more than one Royal Avenue in the country.

TAME budgies and parrots easily by replacing their grit with iron filings. By holding a large magnet, they will sit hapilly on your hand for hours.

HOMEOWNERS. When selling your house, replace your furniture with children's tables and chairs, and use a dwarf estate agent. Instantly, your house will seem more roomy than it actually is.

GENTLEMEN. Avoid any unnecessary scrotal surgery by removing any genital piercings before using the 'Black Hole' water flume at Butlins, Bognor Regis.

ITALIAN waiters. Ensure a warm welcome for your customers by having a good 5-second stare at their wives' tits upon entry, and then another good stare after they have been seated.

ELDERLY drivers. Pressing the pedal on your right will make your car go a little faster. Forget all that rubbish about suffocating at speeds above 15mph, it was all a myth.

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a p*ss before the film starts.

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.

MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90?, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately t0ssing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.

Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph.

After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

[Guest Nairn Saint]

Brilliant Kevin. Start Friday with a laugh!

[Stamford Saintee]

I see McDonalds have a new burger.......

"The Flaming McMuslim*"

(*Sorry, not available at Glasgow drive thru )

[Tranmere Saintee]

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, and then

have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are

in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the

corner, one is smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by and to the gays' delight she points out the happy

child as theirs.

Isn't it wonderful?' one man says to the other. 'All these unhappy

children and ours is so happy?'

The nurse says, 'Oh sure, he's happy now. But just watch what

happens when we take the pacifier out of his ass.

[Kevin]

Bored during meetings? Why not try some of these neat little exercises, not only will it make meetings more interesting but your fellow workmates will become suddenly more alert and maintain a respectful distance:

During a meeting:

- Discreetly clasp hold of someone's hand and whisper "can you feel it?" from the corner of your mouth.

- Draw enormous genitalia on your notepad and discreetly show it to the

person next to you for their approval.

- When refreshments are presented, immediately distribute one biscuit to each of the attendees. Then systematically smash each one with your fist in front of them.

- Wear a hands free phone headset throughout. Once in a while drift off into an unrelated conversation, such as "I don't care if there are no dwarfs, just get the show done!"

- Write the words "he fancies you" on your pad and show it to the person

next to you while indicating with your pen.

- Respond to a serious question with "I don't know what to say, obviously

I'm flattered, but it's all happened so fast".

- Use Nam style jargon such as "what's the ETA?", "who's on recon?" &

"Charlie don't surf".

- Reconstruct the meeting in front of you using action figures and when

anyone moves re-arrange the figures accordingly.

- Shave one of your forearms.

- Draw a chalk circle around one of the chairs then avoid sitting on it when the meeting starts. When someone does eventually sit in it, cover your mouth and gasp.

- Turn your back on the meeting and sit facing the window with your legs

stretched out. Announce that you "love this dirty town".

- Walk directly up to a colleague and stand nose to nose with him for 1 minute.

- Mount the desk and walk along its length before taking your seat.

- Reflect sunlight into everyone's eyes off your watch face.

- Gargle with water.

- Repeat every idea they express in a baby voice while moving your hand

like a chattering mouth.

- Gradually push yourself closer and closer to the door on your chair.

- Hum throughout.

- Pull out a large roll of bank notes and count them demonstratively.

- Bend momentarily under the table then emerge wearing contact lenses that white out your eyes.

- Drop meaningless & confusing management speak into conversations such

as:

- "what's the margin, Marvin?"

- "When's this turkey going to get basted?"

- "If we don't get this brook babbling we're all going to end up looking

like doe-eyed labradors" (Remind you of anyone???)

- Produce a hamster from your pocket and suggest throwing it to one

another as a means of idea-exchange.

- Use a large hunting knife to point at your visual aids.

- Announce that you've run off some copies of the meeting agenda. Then

hand out pieces of paper that read:

- My secret agenda:

1) Trample the weak

2) Triumph alone

3) Invade Poland

Re-collect them sheepishly and ask everyone to pretend they haven't

seen them.

- Attempt to hypnotise the entire room using a pocket watch .

- When referring to someone in the room always call them your "homey" or

"dog".

- Leave long pauses in your speech at random moments. When someone is

prompted to interject shout "I AM NOT FINISHED".

[Kevin]

Empowerment at it's best

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side.

When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was

take off my trousers he said. I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.

I told her, "Of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will."

Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the

wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill

and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she

couldn't possibly wear them.

"Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that".

Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on"

she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.

"I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack.

"Exactly" replied Jill. "And if you don't change your f--king attitude, you never will!!

[Kevin]

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said "How bad is it doc?....I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé's still a virgin - in every way"

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together ...an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these."

He immediately drops his pants and replies,......"Look at this,....still in the CRATE!"