Kevin Posted May 11, 2007 Author Report Share Posted May 11, 2007 Genuine quiz show answers UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE Bamber Gascoigne : What was Ghandi's first name? Contestant : Goosey, Goosey? THE WEAKEST LINK Anne Robinson : In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet? Contestant : Jool carriageway. Anne Robinson : Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius? Contestant : Bombay . Anne Robinson : What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes? Contestant : Crocodiles. Anne Robinson : Wh...? Contestant (interrupting) : Pass! Anne Robinson : In olden times, what were minstrels, travelling entertainers or chocolate salesmen? Contestant : Chocolate salesmen. Anne Robinson : The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were written by Matthew , Mark , Luke and...? Contestant : (long pause) Joe ? Anne Robinson : Who was a famous Indian leader, whose name begins with G, revered by millions, who was assassinated and received a state funeral? Contestant : Geronimo ! NATIONAL LOTTERY JET SET Eamonn Holmes : What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.? Contestant : William Shakespeare . CHRIS SEARLE SHOW, BBC BRISTOL Searle : In which European country is Mount Etna ? Caller : Japan . Searle : I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again. Caller : Er... Mexico ? FAMILY FORTUNES 1 ) Something a blind man might use? - A Sword 2 ) A song with the word Moon in the title? - Blue Suede Moon 3 ) Name the capital of France ? - F 4 ) Name a bird with a long Neck? - Naomi Campbell 5 ) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? - A burglar 6 ) Where is the Taj Mahal? - Opposite the Dental Hospital 7 ) What is Hitler 's first name? - Heil 8 ) A famous Scotsman? - Jock 9 ) Some famous brothers? - Bonnie and Clyde . 10 ) A dangerous race? - The Arabs 11 ) Something that floats in a bath? - Water 12 ) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? - A horse 13 ) Something you wear on a beach? - A deckchair 14 ) A famous Royal? - Mail 15 ) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? - A bicycle with wings 16 ) A famous bridge? - The Bridge Over Troubled Waters 17 ) Something a cat does? - Goes to the toilet 18 ) Something you do in the bathroom? - Decorate 19 ) A method of securing your home? - Put the kettle on 20 ) Something associated with pigs? - The Police 21 ) A sign of the Zodiac? - April 22 ) Something people might be allergic to? - Skiing 23 ) Something you do before you go to bed? - Sleep 24 ) Something you put on walls? - A roof 25 ) Something slippery? - A conman 26 ) A kind of ache? - A fillet of fish 27 ) A jacket potato topping? - Jam 28 ) A food that can be brown or white? - A potato 29 ) Something sold by gypsies? - Bananas 30 ) Something red? - My sweater RADIO LINCS PHONE-IN Presenter : Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world? Contestant : Barcelona . Presenter : I was really after the name of a country. Contestant : I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain . STEVE WRIGHT SHOW, RADIO 2 Wright : On which continent would you find the River Danube? Contestant : India . Wright : What is the Italian word for motorway? Contestant : Espresso. Wright : What is the capital of Australia ? And it's not Sydney . Contestant : Sydney . THIS MORNING Judy Finnegan : The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera. True or false? Contestant : True? Judy Finnegan : No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an American TV show,so I'll give you that. BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE Paul Wappat : How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last? Contestant (after long pause) : Fourteen days. BOB HOPE BIRTHDAY QUIZ, LBC Presenter : Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons? Contestant : Four BBC GMR, PHIL WOOD SHOW Wood : What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible? Contestant : Er... Wood : It's got two syllables... Kor... Contestant : Blimey? Wood : Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run... Contestant : (Silence) Wood : OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I... Contestant : Walked? DARYL 'S DRIVETIME, VIRGIN RADIO Daryl Denham : In which country would you spend shekels? Contestant : Holland ? Daryl Denham : Try the next letter of the alphabet. Contestant : Iceland ? Ireland ? Daryl Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ? Contestant : No. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StDuncM Posted May 12, 2007 Report Share Posted May 12, 2007 Q: What do you get if you see a Dundee fan buried up to his neck in sand? A: More sand What's the difference between the England football team and a tea bag? A tea bag stays longer in the cup Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of Gretna Players on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on. A Saintee and Gretna fan collide in a huge accident on the motorway. Both cars are a wreck, but both men are unhurt. "This must be a sign from God that we are meant to be friends" says the Saintee "I agree" replies the Gretna fan The Saintee then returns to the wreckage of his car, and finds a bottle of whisky he had been saving. "Look" he says to the Gretna fan, "this must be another sign from God, we should drink this whisky to celebrate our friendship and survival" He hands the bottle over to the Gretna fan who takes a large gulp from the bottle before passing it back to the Saintee, who then puts the top back on & returns the bottle to his car. "Aren't you having any?" asks the Gretna fan. "No" replied the Saintee, "I think I’ll wait til the Police get here." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StDuncM Posted May 13, 2007 Report Share Posted May 13, 2007 I Owe My Mother ************************************** 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. > "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." > >2. My mother taught me RELIGION. >"You better pray that will come out of the carpet." > >3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. >"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of >next week!" > >4. My mother taught me LOGIC. >" Because I said so, that's why." > >5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. >"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to >the store with me." > >6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. >"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." > >7. My mother taught me IRONY. >"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about." > >8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. >"Shut your mouth and eat your supper." > >9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. >"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" > >10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. >"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." > >11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. >"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." > >12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. >"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" > >13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. >"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." > >14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. >"Stop acting like your father!" > >15. My mother taught me about ENVY. >"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't >have wonderful parents like you do." > >16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. >"Just wait until we get home." > >17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. >"You are going to get it when you get home!" > >18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. >"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way." > >19. My mother taught me ESP. >"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" > >20. My mother taught me HUMOR. >"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." > >21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. >"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." > >22. My mother taught me GENETICS. >"You're just like your father." > >23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. >"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" > >24. My mother taught me WISDOM. >"When you get to be my age, you'll understand." > >And my favorite: >25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE. >"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saintX Posted May 14, 2007 Report Share Posted May 14, 2007 RADIO LINCS PHONE-IN Presenter : Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world? Contestant : Barcelona . Presenter : I was really after the name of a country. Contestant : I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain /QUOTE] There was a story when i worked at Tay that a Dundonian phoned in Dave Price's show. The conversation went something like: DP: Do you know a lot about music? Caller: Aye DP: Do you know a lot about Jazz? Caller: Eh, the film about the shark? Aye! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted May 16, 2007 Author Report Share Posted May 16, 2007 A shop that sells new husbands has just opened in London, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the shop operates: 1. You may visit this shop ONLY ONCE. 2. There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends. 3. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but cannot go back down except to exit the building! A woman goes to the Husband Shop to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and loves kids The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Impressive," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework. "Oh, wow!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking, help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Shop. To avoid gender bias charges, the shop's owner opened a new Wives Shop just across the street, also with six floors and the same rules. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third, fourth, fifth & sixth floors have never been visited. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted May 18, 2007 Author Report Share Posted May 18, 2007 For all Employees Who Work With Rude Customers: An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS". The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit)................. "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Nairn Saint Posted May 18, 2007 Report Share Posted May 18, 2007 Cheers Kevin. Never fails on a Friday! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
+Super Trooper+ Posted May 22, 2007 Report Share Posted May 22, 2007 Q.Why cant you get a cup of tea at Dens Park??? A.Cos the mugs are on the pitch and the cups are headin for Perth A Gretna fan and a dundonian have a bicycle race of a cliff. Who wins??? Society! An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar and the barman goes "is this some sort of joke" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StDuncM Posted May 22, 2007 Report Share Posted May 22, 2007 Got arrested in B&Q today On my way in, the sales assistant asked me if I wanted Decking, so I thought, bugger this and I hit him first. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted May 29, 2007 Author Report Share Posted May 29, 2007 Call to God An Englishman decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about British churches so he bought a train ticket and took a trip to London, thinking that he would work his way up the country from South to North. On his first day he was inside a church, taking photographs, when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read, "£20,000 per call!" The Englishman, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and for £20,000 you could talk to God. The Englishman thanked the priest and went on his way. His next stop was in Northampton. There, at a very large church, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he had seen in London so he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £20,000 he could talk to God. "Thank you," said the Englishman. He then travelled to Coventry, Birmingham, Liverpool, Manchester, Blackpool, Fleetwood, Lancaster and Carlisle. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "£20,000 per call" sign under it. The Englishman upon realising how close he was to the Scottish border decided to see if the Scots had the same phone. He crossed the border and came to a small town called Gretna, and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read,"20 pence per call". The Englishman was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I have travelled all over England and I have seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told it is a direct line to heaven, but in every one the price was £20,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?" The priest smiled and answered "Well laddie, you're in Scotland now, so it's a local call." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted June 6, 2007 Author Report Share Posted June 6, 2007 Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do lawyers use for birth control? Their personalities. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 3 stone. What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes. What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog! is still excited to see you. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she's 18. What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?" Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. What's the Cuban National Anthem? "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. What's the difference between a north of Scotland zoo and a south of Scotland zoo? A northern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe." How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! Why is there no Disneyland in China ? No one's tall enough to go on the good ride Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
^sainteebrian^ Posted June 6, 2007 Report Share Posted June 6, 2007 Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those MEN already have BOYFRIENDS. spot the mistake ive given you a clue! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
^sainteebrian^ Posted June 6, 2007 Report Share Posted June 6, 2007 by the way i wasn't being critical i was just pointing it out Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nick Posted June 6, 2007 Report Share Posted June 6, 2007 spot the mistake ive given you a clue! i dont think thats a mistake! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saintkev Posted June 6, 2007 Report Share Posted June 6, 2007 by the way i wasn't being critical i was just pointing it out Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted June 6, 2007 Author Report Share Posted June 6, 2007 by the way i wasn't being critical i was just pointing it out I think you left school too early Brian, and that is not a criticism it is a fact if you think that was wrong. It's a bloody joke, not an exam answer and, if you are implying the grammar is incorrect, try it out again Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
^sainteebrian^ Posted June 6, 2007 Report Share Posted June 6, 2007 sorry sir Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Nairn Saint Posted June 6, 2007 Report Share Posted June 6, 2007 Cheers Kev. I thought it was Friday for a moment. Quality! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
st Tommy Posted June 8, 2007 Report Share Posted June 8, 2007 Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight. She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman's Friend. On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said. "I'm the one with the nuts," he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way. They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg.He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs. Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was quite pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he pulled out, his king size Mars Bar felt bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed a Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper! Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly he was soon to discover he had VD. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who apparently had Allsorts!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
perthsaint1884 Posted June 8, 2007 Report Share Posted June 8, 2007 Haha thats fantastic!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted June 8, 2007 Author Report Share Posted June 8, 2007 Are you male or female? To find out the answer, look down... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . * . . * * Look down, not scroll down, dummy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted June 8, 2007 Author Report Share Posted June 8, 2007 And you think you have problems. These are sentences typed (wrongly) by Medical secretaries!!!! 1. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 2. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. 3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. 4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared. 7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. 10. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission. 11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful. 12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 13. She is numb from her toes down. 14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. 15. The skin was moist and dry. 16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches. 17. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. 19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce. 20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy. 21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. 22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 24. Skin: somewhat pale, but present. 25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. 26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. 27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. 28. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room. 29. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed. 30. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. 31. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. 32. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. 33. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead. 34. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Nairn Saint Posted June 8, 2007 Report Share Posted June 8, 2007 It's Friday! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stamford Saintee Posted June 8, 2007 Report Share Posted June 8, 2007 Whats black and screams like f**k? Stevie Wonder answering the iron. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
^sainteebrian^ Posted June 8, 2007 Report Share Posted June 8, 2007 Whats black and screams like f**k? Stevie Wonder answering the iron. terrible but good Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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