Derek Patterson Posted July 8, 2009 Report Share Posted July 8, 2009 *2 old friends Margaret & Jean are doing their weekly shop in Riverside Drive Tesco in Dundee. They chat for a few minutes. Margaret picks up some Whiskas from the shelf which puzzles her friend.* "Eh didn'ae ken you had a cat Mags..." says Jean. Margaret replies "No I put the cat food on my man's pieces for him to take to his bowls on a Sunday night." "Ye're joking....That cannae be good for him surely..." replies a shocked Jean. "Nah it's fine. He says the salmon one is the nicest and the liver ane is braw an aw" says Margaret. *The 2 ladies natter for a couple more minutes before saying their farewells and heading to the checkouts then home.* *2 weeks later the ladies meet in Tesco again. Jean see's Margaret carrying her basket all dressed in black and looking very sombre.* "What's the matter Mags? Ye're looking awfy sad. Has something happened...?" enquires Jean. "Aye it's my man Jim. He died at the weekend." replies a mournful Margaret. "Oh eh'm affy sorry dear. That's a terrible thing to happen ken." says Jean "Aye it was unexpected like." replies Margaret. "Eh...I don't mean to suggest anything ken but don't ye think that the cat food could have mibbe poisoned him?" asks a slightly nervous Jean. "Och no not at all. He just slipped and fell aff the window sill when he was sitting licking his erse." says Margaret. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShakespeareBar Posted July 10, 2009 Report Share Posted July 10, 2009 Welsh, Irish, English and Scottish soldier are captured by the Iraqis, the Iraqis tell them they will be shot and can have one last request. The Welshman says-"can I have 1000 Welsh choir singers singing Land of my father", the Irishman says" can I have 1000 riverdancers singing Danny boy", the Englishmans last request is to have "Vera Lynn singing The White Cliffs of Dover". They ask the Scotsman whathis last request is, he says "Shoot me first". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myDarlingBeefeater Posted July 10, 2009 Report Share Posted July 10, 2009 What's well done at the top of the stairs? Steven Hawking after a house fire Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emptyheed Posted July 11, 2009 Report Share Posted July 11, 2009 In the sleepy village of Erbum near the town of Hillet in Hertfordshire lives a woman called Linda Lykes. She is the land-lady of the local pub, The Cockwell Inn. For some reason she gets embarrassed when saying her address: Linda Lykes The Cockwell Inn Erbum Tillet Herts Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stamford Saintee Posted July 12, 2009 Report Share Posted July 12, 2009 A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said 'I want to be a movie star.' Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, 'What's your name?' The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.' The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.' 'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name Not ever.' The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be a ble to represent you.' 'So be it! I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and he left the agent's office. FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed... 'Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice.. Sincerely, d*** van Dyke Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stamford Saintee Posted August 6, 2009 Report Share Posted August 6, 2009 Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community . After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.. So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. This would cool her down and make her relax. So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax. So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel. They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours. When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: "And that, me auld son, is how ya wave a feckin' towel" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myDarlingBeefeater Posted August 6, 2009 Report Share Posted August 6, 2009 What time did Sean Connery go to Wimbledon?...... Tennish! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ancientsaint Posted August 6, 2009 Report Share Posted August 6, 2009 A plane was on its way to America when a blonde in Economy Class got up, moved to the First Class section and sat down. The Flight attendant watched her do this and asked to see her ticket. She then told the blonde passenger that she will have to return to her Economy seat. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to America and I'm staying right here!" The flight attendant went into the cockpit and told the pilot and co-pilot that there was a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belonged in Economy who wouldn't move back to her seat. The co-pilot went back to the blonde and tried to explain that, because she only paid for Economy, she was only entitled to an Economy seat and she would have to return to her original seat. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to America and I'm staying right here!" Exasperated, the co-pilot told the pilot that it was no use and he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest the blonde, because she wouldn't listen to reason. "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde, so I can speak blonde!" said the pilot. The pilot went back to the blonde, and whispered in her ear. She said, "Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea", then got up and moved back to her seat in Economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot were amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. The pilot replied, 'I told her, First Class isn't going to America ' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OldPoster Posted August 13, 2009 Report Share Posted August 13, 2009 Best text's Ever (314): So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present. (212): i want you now (916): you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this (310): ohhhh ****k. chicks a dude. (308): I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad (863): I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex.. (848): I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa (612): What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home? (843): happy early fathers day!!! (829): im not a father (843): about that... 847): this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way weeks. (440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf? (216): Holy shit r u serious? How? (440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you. (616): Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up. (202): I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me. (323): You got in a fight last night? (818): Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since. (323): Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you? (414): i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it. (719): she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her. (414): are you serious? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StDuncM Posted August 14, 2009 Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 Mums - How good are they!!! Peter invited his mother for dinner . During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Peter's flat mate, Joanne, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates'. About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you? 'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Peter. So he sat down and wrote DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE. I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER. LOVE PETER Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read DEAR SON, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW. LOVE MUM Lesson of the day, NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nuggets Posted August 14, 2009 Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 25,000 volts pumped into the body of a brainless scouse ****. I didn't realise Carlsberg did trains... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted August 18, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 18, 2009 Friends of mine were at a dinner party last night, where they and other guests enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol. They awoke this morning not feeling so hot, suffering from what could be described as flu-like symptoms; headache, nausea, chills, sore eyes etc. From the results of some initial testing, they unfortunately tested positive for what experts are now calling Wine Flu . This debilitating condition is very serious and it appears this is not an isolated case. Reports are flooding in from others diagnosed with Wine Flu. To anyone that starts to exhibit the aforementioned tell-tale signs, experts are recommending a cup of tea and a bit of a lie down . However, should your condition worsen, you should immediately hire DVDs and take some Panadol. [Panadol seems to be the only drug available that has been proven to help combat this unusual type of flu]. Others are reporting a McDonald's SuperSize Meal with Nuggets followed with a gansy load of chocolate and crisps. This remedy also seems to do the trick also Wine Flu does not need to be life threatening, and if treated early can be eradicated within a 24-48 hour period. If not, then further application of the original liquid in similar quantities to the original dose has been shown to do the trick Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted September 3, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 3, 2009 Letters to a men's magazine: What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that. Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P Boddington, Ringway Imagine my shock at getting a letter from my doctor advising me I only had a month to live but thankfully the letter was not for me but for my son with the same name who lives with us. Close call, Yours What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight. WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time. If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Glasgow received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics? These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France , then North Africa , Italy , France (again) and finally Germany . The shame will always be with us. Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London . That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe . Werner Hoffman, Munich . I heard recently that, on average, Alex Salmond receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is................ who's sending the other one? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted September 7, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 7, 2009 It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date with Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell. 'Oh, come on in!' Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. 'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Tea?' 'Tea, please,' Fred said. Mum brought the tea.. 'So, what are you and Sue planning to do tonight?' she asked. 'Oh, probably see a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the Wimpy Bar, maybe take a walk on the beach...' 'Sue likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him. 'Really?' Fred replied; eyebrows rose. 'Oh yes,' Mother continued. 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!' 'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous. 'Yes,' said Mother. 'As a matter Of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!' 'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternative plans for the evening. A moment later, Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred. 'Have fun, kids!' Mother said as they left. Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her. 'The Twist, Mum!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. 'The f*****g dance is called the Twist! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SaintinReading Posted September 15, 2009 Report Share Posted September 15, 2009 The latest club craze is to fill a woman's vagina with vodka and then suck it out using a straw. Doctors are warning about the dangers of minge drinking A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildos! Unfortunately he's had a lot of trouble with squatters . 85% of Liverpudlian males say they enjoy sex in the shower........ The other 15% haven't been to prison yet Bastards! Just been thrown out & barred from the local swimming baths because I had my Speedo trunks on! What I didn't know was the 'S' had come off the logo!! Just bought a racehorse called 'My Face', It may not be any good but I can't wait to hear all the women in the crowd screaming 'come on .. .My face I've just been 2 my first Muslim birthday party! Musical chairs was a bit slow but f*ck me pass the parcel was fast! If mothers Celebrate mothers day, fathers celebrate fathers day, lovers celebrate valentines day, do wankers celebrate palm sunday? Just popped home, caught the plumber with his d*** in the dog! Can't believe the police won't do anything! They said the b*stard was corgi registered Are you available to come to a charity pancake competition on Shrove Tuesday? The organisers have the pans and the ingredients they just need a tosser. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nuggets Posted September 15, 2009 Report Share Posted September 15, 2009 This is the sickest yet. Ready?...... Dear Jordan, I am sure that very soon u will be needing some male company. i would love to Fcuk that tight ass and those big fat tits, So as soon as u have a date. Let me know and i will look after Harvey. Lots of love Gary Glitter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The ghost of Jim Morton Posted September 16, 2009 Report Share Posted September 16, 2009 The Old Flame I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic". "Wow!" I was flabbergasted. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have." She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge". "Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone ... everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!" So I told her to fuck off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted September 22, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 22, 2009 A wee poem SLAGGY SENGA FELL IN LOVE<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p> SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE<o:p></o:p> SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL<o:p></o:p> SHE TOLD HER FAITHER SO. <o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> FAITHER TOLD HER, SENGA DOLL,<o:p></o:p> YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER<o:p></o:p> I'D JUST AS SOON YUR MAW DON'T KNOW,<o:p></o:p> BUT JOE IS YUR HALF BRITHER<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> SO SENGA PUT ASIDE HER JOE<o:p></o:p> AND PLANNED TO MARRY WULL<o:p></o:p> BUT AFTER TELLING FAITHER THIS<o:p></o:p> HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> YOU CANNY MARRY WULL, MY DOLL<o:p></o:p> AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YUR MITHER<o:p></o:p> BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MERR<o:p></o:p> I KNOW IS YUR HALF BRITHER<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> BUT MITHER KNEW AND SAID, MY DOLL,<o:p></o:p> JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY<o:p></o:p> MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;<o:p></o:p> COS FAITHERS NO YUR PAPPY !!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted September 28, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 28, 2009 Love the last one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saintee4life Posted September 28, 2009 Report Share Posted September 28, 2009 A scouse maths teacher asks little Becky what comes after 69? Becky replies," a wet wipe and some mouthwash miss" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Bertrand Posted September 29, 2009 Report Share Posted September 29, 2009 Man Utd dressing room just before the players are due to go out for last weeks Derby. “Right lads listen up. I want 110% effort from the first f@cking whistle against this blue sh1te. Remember the b@stards did us on the Anniversary of Munich and have been spouting off about it ever since. If you don’t win …those cockney tw@ts down at Chelsea will be 6 points clear. Now I don’t give a toss if you kick, punch or headbut your way to victory…..3 points for Man Utd is all I’m interested in. We MUST win this game at all costs……..Good luck lads” All of a sudden the door opens and Ferguson pops his head in and says….” Thanks ref……….I’ll take it from here” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myDarlingBeefeater Posted October 2, 2009 Report Share Posted October 2, 2009 Sheila writes to male agony "aunt", Larry: Dear Larry, I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bed, naked with our neighbour's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years! When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was made redundant six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help? Sincerely, Sheila ****************************** Dear Sheila, A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. I hope this helps, Larry Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faircityboy Posted October 7, 2009 Report Share Posted October 7, 2009 Dear Matt Lucas I am sorry to hear about the suicide of your ex.I for one find you very attractive and you look like my ex who sadly has also passed away,if you want to hook up to hook up give me a call. yours sincerely, Jack Tweedy XX Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deej Posted October 7, 2009 Report Share Posted October 7, 2009 Dear Matt Lucas I am sorry to hear about the suicide of your ex.I for one find you very attractive and you look like my ex who sadly has also passed away,if you want to hook up to hook up give me a call. yours sincerely, Jack Tweedy XX Harsh:laugh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The ghost of Jim Morton Posted October 12, 2009 Report Share Posted October 12, 2009 Ray is Gay. He goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, 'Ray, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS.' Ray is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do?' 'Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of All Bran, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice ...' Ray asks bewildered, 'Will that cure me, Doc?' Doc says, 'No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your arse is for.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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