Jokes

[StDuncM]

Ronaldo, Luis Figo and Wayne Rooney are standing before God at the throne of Heaven.

God looks at them and says: "Before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in."

Addressing Ronaldo first he asks, "What do you believe?"

Ronaldo looks God in the eye and states passionately: "I believe football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Madrid. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting their club."

God looks up and offers Ronaldo the seat to his left.

He then turns to Luis Figo, "And you, Luis, what do you believe?"

Figo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits."

God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Figo the seat to his right.

Finally, he turns to Wayne Rooney , "And you, Wayne, what do you believe?"

"I believe", says Rooney, "that you're sitting in my seat."

[StDuncM]

You're trapped in a room with a Grizzly Bear, a deadly Rattlesnake, and an Man Utd Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

Shoot the Man United Fan. Twice.

The 7 dwarfs are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the dark distance a voice screams out "Rangers are good enough to win the European Cup."

Snow White says "Thank God - at least Dopey's still alive!"

Q: What do you call a dead Tottenham Supporter in a closet?

A: Last years winner to the hide and seek contest.

Q: Why do Wimbledon fans carry lighters round with them?

A: Because they lose all their matches!

Q: What have Blackburn FC and a three pin plug got in common?

A: Their both absolutely useless in Europe.

[StDuncM]

I'M on a roll!

Where does poo come from??

A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is

reading the paper.

"Where does poo come from?" she asks.

The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is

already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:

"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"

"Yes," answers the girl.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the

good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."

The little girl looks shocked, and stares, at him with watery eyes in

stunned silence for a few seconds and asks:

"And Tigger?"

[StDuncM]

Three men, a Scouser, a Manc and a Rasta all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc. The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby The Rasta looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" "Probably", said the Manc, "but one of them in there's a scouser, and I'm takin' no chances !!!!!"

and

Scouser walks into the D.S.S. and says :-

"I've just been offered a Blow Job, If I take it will it affect my benefit claim?"

and

Q: What's the difference between a Liverpool fan and a broken clock?

A: Even a broken clock is right twice a day!

[StDuncM]

Subject: Tiger Woods and the Irishman!

IRISH GAS STATION

Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drove his new Ford Excursion into an irish gas station. An attendant greeted him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro was.

"Top of the mornin' to ya!" the Irishman smiled doffing his cap. As Tiger got out of the mammoth vehicle, two tees fell out of his pocket. So what are those,lad?" asked the attendant.

"They're called tees," replied Tiger. "And what would ya be usin' em for, now?" inquired the Irishman. "Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," said Tiger. "AW! Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph," exclaimed the Irishman, "Those fellas at FORD think of everything.

[pezza70]

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other

stall saying:   "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom

but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat

embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that?  At that point, I'm thinking this

is too bizarre so I say:  "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I

hear another question.  "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could

just be polite and end the conversation.  I tell him, "No........I'm

a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back.  There's an idiot in the other

stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

[pezza70]

Australian Government

Department of Immigration and Multicultural and Indigenous Affairs

Application for Grant of Australian Citizenship

You must answer 75% (28 or more out of 37) of these questions correctly in order to qualify for Australian Citizenship

1. How many slabs can you fit in the back of a Falcon Ute while also allowing room for your cattle dog?

2. When packing an Esky do you put the ice, or the beer, in first?

3. Is the traditional Aussie Christmas dinner:

a) At least two roasted meats with roast vegetables, followed by a pudding you could use as a cannonball. Also ham. In 40C heat.

A seafood buffet followed by a barbie, with rather a lot of booze. And ham. In 40C heat.

c) Both of the above, one at lunchtime and one at dinnertime. Weather continues fine.

4. How many beers in a slab?

5. You call that a knife, this is a knife.

True or False?

6. Does "yeah-nah" mean

a) "Yes and no"

"Maybe"

c) "Yes I understand but No I don't agree"?

7. The phrases "strewth" and "flamin' dingo" can be attributed to which TV character?

a) Toadie from Neighbours

Alf from Home & Away

c) Agro from Agro's Cartoon Connection

d) Sgt. Tom Croydon from Blue Heelers?

8. When cooking a barbecue do you turn the sausages

a) Once or twice

As often as necessary to cook

c) After each stubby

d) Until charcoal?

9. Name three of the Daddo brothers.

10. Who was the original lead singer of AC/DC?

11. Which option describes your ideal summer afternoon:

a) Drinking beer at a mate's place

Drinking beer at the beach

c) Drinking beer watching the cricket/footy

d) Drinking beer at a mate's place while watching the cricket before going to the beach?

12. Would you eat pineapple on pizza? Would you eat egg on a pizza?

13. How many cans of beer did David Boon consume on a plane trip from Australia to England?

14. How many stubbies is it from Brissy to the Gold Coast in a Torana travelling at 120km/h?

15. Who are Scott and Charlene?

16. How do you apply your tomato sauce to a pie?

a) Squirt and spread with finger

Sauce injection straight into the middle?

17. If the police raided your home would you:

a) Allow them to rummage through your personal items

Phone up the nearest talkback radio shock jock and complain

c) Put a written complaint in to John Howard and hope that he answers it personally?

18. Which Australian Prime Minister held the world record for drinking a yardie full of beer the fastest?

19. Have you ever had/do you have a mullet?

20. Thongs are:

a) Skimpy underwear

Casual footwear

c) They're called jandals, bro?

21. On which Ashes tour did Warney's hair look the best?

a) 1993

1997

c) 2001

d) 2005

22. What is someone more likely to die of:

a) Red Back Spider

Great White Shark

c) Victorian Police Officer

d) King Brown Snake

e) Your missus after a big night

f) Dropbear?

23. How many times must a steak be turned on a conventional four-burner barbie?

24. Can you sing along to Cold Chisel's Khe Sanh?

25. Explain both the "follow-on" and "LBW" rules in cricket and discuss the pros and cons for the third umpire decisions in the latter....

26. Name at least 5 items that must be taken to a BBQ.

27. Who is current Australian test cricket captain:

a) Ricky Ponting

Don Bradman

c) John Howard

d) Makybe Diva?

28. Is it best to take a sick day on:

a) When the cricket's on

When the cricket's on

c) When the cricketÂ’s on?

29. What animal is on the Bundaberg Rum bottle?

30. What is the difference between a pot and a middy of beer?

31. What are Budgie smugglers?

32. What brand and size of Esky will you be purchasing?

33. Did you cry when Molly died on a Country Practice?

34. A "Hoppoate" is:

a) A breed of kangaroo

A kind of Australian "wedgie"

c) A disgraced Rugby League player?

35. What does having a 'chunder' mean?

36. When you were young did you prefer the Hills Hoist over any swing set?

37. What does the terminology 'True Blue' mean?

Your Score Â…Â…Â…Â….

For Office use only.

ٱ In

ٱ Out

ٱ Can have another crack at it

[Davey]

a scotsman, englishman frenchman and italien were all on a plane when the captain comes over the tannoyed an said "we're havin technical difficulties an in order for the plane to land at the next airport, 3 of them would have to open the door an jump out!"

They were decidin who it would be when the italien says he'll do it as long as italy remembers him for helpin out his fellow passengers and his act of bravery, then he jumps shoutin "champions of the world"

Then the frenchman was so takin by his act of bravery shouts "viva la france" then jumps.

The scotsman was then really fired up by the italien an frenchman, he too shouts...

REMEMBER BANNOCKBURN YOU B*STARD

and throws the englishman out the plane!!

[wattie70]

A miner in Africa has an accident & loses his leg.

He says to his mate 'I'm f****d - who will want a one legged gold digger'.

His mate says 'Try Paul McCartney!!'

[StDuncM]

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".

The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for Six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.

"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."

"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America.

North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?"

"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a smallish land mass and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah" said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super- human, undefeatable, strong in character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the buggers I'm putting next to them"

Learn to spik Australian Have you ever wonder just what the heck they are talking about when it not sport, sport or, geez mate, more sport?

A passenger plane traveling to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean.

The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive. After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores.

Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on.

Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...its Kylie Minogue!

Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love. One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new

found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face. She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong. "Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feeling there's something missing."

Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything".

"Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"

"OK"

"And my trousers?"

"OK"

At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips. "OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."

"OK dear, whatever will make you happy?"

So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:

"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging'!!

The moon landings are faked! Heroic images or NASA fraud? At last we have the conclusive proof! Just the sort of info that every aussie bloke needs to know for intellectual conversation at the BBQ.

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

Streuth! here is the Australian Constitution. Didja know that there was one?

Three Aussie guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Kevin.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Kevin says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Kev?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me,"

Bruce replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

"Well not exactly," Kevin said. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears. This genie tells them that he only grants one wish.

Without giving much thought to the matter, the lamp finder blurts out, "Turn the entire ocean into VB!"

The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.

The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

The second Aussie turns to the first and says, "Nice going mate! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch.

However when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.

Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance: "hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me".

A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine:

" Australia will win the Rugby World Cup"

"Thank god" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Aussie cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar.

One asked, "What are you up to, Mate?"

Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."

"Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?"

"Ah, prob'ly the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."

[pezza70]

A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. While he was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could he worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later the man was walking through the zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they are standing at the rail. The large bull elephant stared at him and lifted its front foot off the ground then put it down. The elephant did that several times, all the while staring at the man. The man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.

The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

It now seems that it probably wasn't the same elephant.

[Kevin]

Bloke comes into the kitchen. Takes a frog out of his pocket, sets it down in front of his wife.

Wife: "What's that?"

Bloke: "It's a cock-sucking frog."

Wife: "What do you expect me to do with that?"

Bloke: "Teach it to cook, and f**k off."

[StDuncM]

A large hospital recently hired several cannibals as it couldn't find enough British staff. "You are all part of our team now", said the HR manager during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the canteen on the Ground Floor for something to eat, but please don't eat any of our other employees". The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared.. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads "No". After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary ?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!", the leader continued, "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But, NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something.

There were 3 balloons, mummy balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon. baby balloon asked daddy balloon if he could sleep in mommy and daddy's bed. no said daddy balloon. that night baby balloon crept info their room. he tried to squeeze in between the sleeping pair, but could not get in. he let a little air out of daddy balloon, but still could not squeeze in. he let a little air out of mummy balloon, but still could not get in. he let some air out of himself and successfully squeezed in. the next morning daddy balloom said to him 'son i am very disapointed in you, not only have you let me and your mother down but you have let yourself down too'.

A cowboy panda walks into a saloon and sits at a table. He orders a dinner, eats it, fires his gun at the waiter and walks out. Just as he got to the door, the barman asked the panda what he thought he was doing. Panda turns to the barman and says, "look me up in the dictionary!". The panda leaves. Barman runs to get a dictionary..... n; panda, large animal that eats shoots and leaves.

Four men travelling in an aeroplane and it crashed in the jungle killing one. The other three were slightly injured and stayed with the body until they were all feeling better. By this time they were all feeling very, very hungry but could not find anything to eat. One of the men said that as their friend had died they should eat him. They then had to decide which part of the body they should eat and which was easier to cook. One of the men suggested that they ate the part of the body depending on which part of the country they came from. The first man said, “I am from Hartlepool, so I will eat the heartÂâ€. The second man said, “I am from Liverpool, so I will eat the liverÂâ€. The third man said, “I am from Cockfosters, but I am not very hungryÂâ€. The moral of the story is Beggars cannot be choosers.

[McCallum]

Bobby - 'Doctor, I've got this really bad pain in my foot..'

Doctor - 'Gout'

Bobby - 'I've only just come in!'

[pezza70]

Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent

interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a train

station in Sydney

There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the

evils of Australia. I politely declined to take one.

An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young

(20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely

declined.

The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a

gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, "Lady, don't you

care about the children of Iraq?"

The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my father died in

France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in

Vietnam. All three died so you could have the right to stand here and

bad mouth our country. If you touch me again. I'll stick this umbrella

up your arse and open it."

God Bless Australia!!

[pezza70]

Friendship between Women:

>

>

> A woman didn't come home one night.

>

> The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a

>friend's

>

> house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them

> knew

>

> about it.

>

>

>

> Friendship between Men:

>

>

>

> A man didn't come home one night.

>

> The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's

>

> house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of

> them

>

> confirmed that he had slept over,

>

> two claimed that he was still there.

[Guest Mongy Max]

Probably all ready been done:

Why was Jesus not born in Dundee?

They couldn't find a virgin and 3 Wise Men!

Two young Muslim mothers are sat in the park watching their kids playing when an elder Muslim woman walks past and says, " Enjoy these moments while you can." The two mothers look round and ask why, the elder woman replies "They blow up so quickly!!"

Osama Bin Laden has been arrested for sheep shaggin in Aberdeen, when qeustioned by police he claimed they were Islambs and he could do whatever the fook he wanted with them!

[Tranmere Saintee]

Ground crew reports

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics and other ground crew any problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics/ground crew read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken. The pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)

(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers or ground crew.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: The autopilot doesn't.

S: IT DOES NOW.

P: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500 pounds.

S: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Pilot's clock inoperative.

S: Wound clock.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: 3 roaches in cabin.

S: 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Unfamiliar noise coming from #2 engine.

S: Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.

P: Noise coming from #2 engine. Sounds like man with little hammer.

S: Took little hammer away from man in #2 engine.

P: Whining noise coming from #2 engine compartment.

S: Returned little hammer to man in #2 engine.

P: Whining sound heard on #2 engine shutdown.

S: Pilot removed from aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.

S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Funny sounds from behind instrument panel.

S: Installed non-funny sounds.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to "straighten up, fly right, and be serious".

P: #2 ADF needle runs wild.

S: Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle.

P: Turn-and-slip indicator ball stuck in centre during turns.

S: Congratulations. You have just made your first co-ordinated turn.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Seat cushion in 13F smells rotten.

S: Fresh seat cushion on order.

P: Flight attendant cold at altitude.

S: Ground checks OK.

P: Weather radar went ape!

S: Opened radar, let out ape, cleaned up mess.

And this one from a pilot instructor who ejected from a military trainer aircraft:

P: Reason for emergency eject: Landing gear would not retract

S: Aircraft had fixed landing gear. Aircraft written off.

[pezza70]

Alcohol Speech Test

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Innovative

Preliminary

c) Proliferation

d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Specificity

British Constitution

c) Passive-aggressive disorder

d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.

Nope, no more booze for me.

c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.

d) No kebab for me, thank you.

e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

f) I'm not interested in fighting you.

g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.

h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no

coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.

i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the

street.

j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

[Tranmere Saintee]

A Welsh Love Story.

An elderly man lay dying in his little bed, while suffering the

agonies of impending death; when he suddenly smells the aroma of his

favourite treat, freshly made Welsh cakes, wafting up the stairs from

the kitchen.

He gathers his remaining strength, and lifts himself from his bed.

And,leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and

with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he

slowly crawls downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leans against the kitchen door frame, gazing

through watery eyes into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already

in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table

were dozens of freshly made Welsh cakes fresh from the oven and cooling

slowly.

Was he in heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his Devoted

Welsh wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this mortal world

a truly happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,

landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.

His aged and withered hand trembled as it moved slowly towards the

closest Welsh cake, possessing extra raisins, his favourite ones laid

out neatly at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by

his wife with a spatula.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

F**k off" she says, "they're for the funeral."

[Tranmere Saintee]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to

all the people sitting at the bar and asked,

"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed;

"Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked;

"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar

and said:

"Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said;

"I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a

drink , but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied;

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"Any woman who can lift her leg that high has to be a ballerina!"

[Kevin]

Are you Scottish?

You know you are a true Scot if...........

1. Ye can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie, Sauchiehall St , St Enoch, Auchtermuchty and Aufurfuksake.

2. Ye actually like deep fried battered pizza fae the chippie.

3. Yer used tae four seasons in wan day.

4. Ye canna pass a chip/kebab shop withoot sleverin when yer blootert.

5. Ye kin fall about pished withoot spilling yer drink.

6. Ye see people wearin shell suits with burberry accessories - pure class!

7. Ye measure distance in minutes.

8. Ye kin understaun Rab C Nesbitt and know characters just like him, in yer ain family.

9. Ye go tae Saltcoats cos ye think it is like gaun tae the ocean.

10. Ye kin make hale sentences jist wae swear wurds.

11. Ye know whit haggis is made ae and stull like eating it.

12. Somedy ye know his used a fitba schedule tae plan thur wedding day date.

13. You've been at a wedding and fitba scores are announced in the Church/Chapel.

14. Ye urny surprised tae find curries, pizzas, kebabs, fish n chips, irn-bru, fags and nappies all in the wan shop.

15. Yer holiday home at the seaside has calor gas under it.

16. Ye know irn-bru is a hangover cure.

17. Ye learnt tae sweer afore ye learnt tae dae sums.

18. Ye actually understand this and yurr gonnae send it tae yer pals .

19. Finally, you are 100% Scot if you have ever said these words:-

- how's it hingin

- clatty

- boggin

- cludgie

- pished

- get it up ye

- wee beasties

- erse bandit

- amurny

- away an bile yer heid

- peely-wally

- humphey backit

- Ba'-heid

- baw bag

- Mocket

- Mingin

- dubble nugget

And finally......

A wee Glesga wumman goes intae a butchershop, where the butcher has just came oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint his back, with his

erse aimed at an electric fire.

The wee wumman checks oot the display case then asks, "Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?"

"Naw," replies the butcher. "It's jist ma haun's ah'm heatin'.

[pezza70]

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly Side of Life

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: it's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She's a lawyer.

3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids. Bad: Your wife can't find her birth control pills. Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

5. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than your wife.

6. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your 10 year old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.

7. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It's another man. Ugly: He's your best friend.

8. Good: Your 15 year old daughter got a new job Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Very Ugly: She makes more money than you do.

[Tranmere Saintee]

The Tax Inspector:

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the

books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then

they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

"What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.

"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

[perthsaint1884]

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."