Dev Posted May 31, 2006 Report Share Posted May 31, 2006 Knock knock Who's there? Nicholas Nicholas who? Nicholas girls shouldn't climb trees! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saintkev Posted June 1, 2006 Report Share Posted June 1, 2006 Did you hear about the magic tractor?..........It turned into a feild Boom Boom Two elephants run off a cliff. Boom Boom! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lt Col Kojak Slaphead III Posted June 1, 2006 Report Share Posted June 1, 2006 This guy is doing a survey on sheep sh*gging. He gets on a plane and flies to New Zealand, goes to the first farm he can find and speaks to the farmer ‘so sir, if you don't mind me asking, whats your preferred method for giving a sheep a good sh*gging?’ farmer replies ‘well I like to get the back legs down the front of the wellies and I stick the front legs over the nearest wall and away I go’ guy takes this down in his notes, says his thanks and leaves. He then jumps on a plane and heads for Wales. Same story, gets to the first farm he finds and speaks to the farmer ‘so sir, what method do you use for sh*gging sheep?’ same reply as the New Zealander, ‘back legs in the wellies, front legs over the nearest wall and away yi go’ that’s interesting he says to himself as he notes it down. His next stop takes him to Aberdeen. Gets to the nearest farm he can find and speaks to the farmer. ‘so sir, what method do you prefer when sh*gging sheep?’ farmer replies ‘well I get the back legs and put them doon the front o ma wellies, front legs I put over my shoulder and away I go’ the guy doing the survey is slightly perplexed by this and interrupts, ‘sir if you don’t mind me asking, I have travelled to New Zealand and Wales carrying out this survey and both farmers I have spoken to get the back legs and stick them down the front of the wellies, front legs over a wall or fence and away they go, can I ask why you do this differently??? WAIT FOR IT. The Farmer replies in a broad Aberdonian accent: FIT??? NAE KISSING OR CUDDLING FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll get my coat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StDuncM Posted June 6, 2006 Report Share Posted June 6, 2006 Baby's First Doctor Visit A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed? "Breast-fed,"she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted June 6, 2006 Author Report Share Posted June 6, 2006 How long will it be at school before Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's child Shiloh Pitt gets nicknamed Piloh Shitt??? Perth-Saint 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted June 6, 2006 Author Report Share Posted June 6, 2006 A door to door salesman knocks on a door. A boy about ten years old answers, dressed in stockings and suspenders, with a fat cigar in one hand and a large glass of red wine in the other. "Is your mum in, son?" says the salesman, The boy replies, "Does it look like it?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint Hayley Posted June 6, 2006 Report Share Posted June 6, 2006 I went to buy some camiflash trousers yesterday but i couldn't find any. I went to a sea disco the other night and i pulled a musile. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Das Rave Posted June 6, 2006 Report Share Posted June 6, 2006 Two elephants run off a cliff. Boom Boom! Two elephants and a snake fall off a cliff dum dum tssss Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hazel1884 Posted June 7, 2006 Report Share Posted June 7, 2006 Management Courses Lesson One: An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. ____________________________________ Lesson Two: A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. " They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Management Lesson: Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. _____________________________________ Lesson Three: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He laid there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Management Lesson: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.. (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut! This ends the three minute management course. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted June 8, 2006 Author Report Share Posted June 8, 2006 Wayne Rooney has been told he can play in the World Cup if he gets a Cortisone Injection. ?? David Beckham responded, "If that fat tosser is having a new car, then so am I!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tranmere Saintee Posted June 8, 2006 Report Share Posted June 8, 2006 One for all you lovers of all things Engerlund The FA 25 Soho Square London W1 4FA Dear Sir, Our Head Coach, Mr Sven-Goran Ericsson, has asked me, on the eve of our departure to Germany for the World Cup Finals, for which we have qualified, to ask our fellow Home Nations to come to our assistance so that England may be 100% sure of winning the World Cup. As you are no doubt aware from the winning of the Rugby World Cup and the Ashes, England’s success boosts all British nations and we know how you all enjoyed basking in the reflected glory which bonds our ancient nations together. To this end, we request and require that you furnish, forthwith, any information, which may aid us on our quest. We don’t expect to need it, you understand, but one never knows. What we have in mind is tactical appraisals of our opponents, whom you may have encountered whilst failing to qualify yourselves. Foreign styles of play, underhand methods of influencing the referee, Latin diving, Teutonic bullying, you know the sort of thing. Also, if there is any advice of the legality of two apparently separate islands in the Caribbean forming a joint enterprise for the express purpose of winning a soccer match. In the capital here we find it quite extraordinary! I know you all take great delight in the support of England whenever any of you manage a shock result, and am sure of the same fulsome support from you chaps in this instance. You remain, our humble servants Brian Barwick . . . . .The Football Association of Wales 11 / 12 Neptune Court, Vanguard Way, Cardiff CF24 5PJ CYMRU Dear Mr Barwick, Thank you for your interesting and brilliant letter. As you know we are your nearest neighbours, and sharing a long border with you, know you more intimately and therefore love you more intimately than anybody else. How we enjoyed your Rugby victory! Bonfires were lit in remote areas all over rural Wales in celebration. As you no doubt don’t know, all correspondence from Lloedr is translaed from Saes to Cymraeg in accordance with the Rules of our Association. I had your brave letter translated and passed it to Dafydd ab Sylwtlyhatesinglish hew is hedd of our tactical spying unit. I am sori to haf to tell ewe that there was a coch up in the translation which meant that Dafydd, completely by accident, got the whole thing arseways and provided all your opponents with a dossier on your players instead. In particular, I have to warn you that your manager may be targeted by dusky beauties who may give him the bends while he goes diving as it were. Also watch out for Paraguayan grannies in the vacinity of your only hope. As ever, if there is anything else we can do for you, do not hesitate to ask. Twll dîn pob Sais Mervyn Miseri . . . . FA Ireland 80 Merrion Square Dublin 2 Ah Brian how’s it going All the lads here wish ye the very best in the World Cup. Sure don’t ye know that? We always want England to do well. There has been too much old guff about history and bad blood and we should forget about all that. We have anyhow. I mean, nowadays who is interested in Pope Adrian (the only English Pope) blessing the English invasion which took all our lands and divided it up amongst the English? Who wants to know about Cromwell putting the women and children of Drogheda and Wexford to the sword; the Penal Laws that outlawed the one true Catholic faith and the outlawing of the beloved Gaelic language. The crushing of the brave rebels in 1118, 1250, 1336, 1388 1542, 1612. 1798, 1848, 1916. Sure we have forgotten all about the Famine, where one million of us were starved to death, skin and bone with grass stain about our hungry mouths with pestilence rapine and disease stalking every corner of the land whilst our young men fought in the front lines of the trenches of your imperial wars. Having forgotten all that, and the unfinished business in a corner of our land, we would of course be delighted to support England, and we will. However, you must be aware of our longstanding emigrant links with Seamus insert name of whoever the bastards are playing and so therefore, on this one occasion, our loyalties may be somewhat divided. As a favour Brian: - my daughter is a big Man U fan and could you send over young Wayne’s birth cert (and his folks) so she can send him a birthday card? Yours as ever Seán Ó Blarney . . . . . The Scottish Football Association Hampden Park Glasgow G42 9AY Dear Brian, F*ck off you English c*nts. Hamish McSporran Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted June 9, 2006 Author Report Share Posted June 9, 2006 A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine. Dear Diary: For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my High School football team 25 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!! TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air. Then, she put weights on it!! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me. WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a Mini in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too. THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank. FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her to a pulp with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel. SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the bitch); will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root canal or a vasectomy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted June 9, 2006 Author Report Share Posted June 9, 2006 The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see.. size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit. It fitted perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36." Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache." New suit = $400 New shirt = $ 36 New underwear = $ 6 Second opinion PRICELESS Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted June 9, 2006 Author Report Share Posted June 9, 2006 “I predicted in August that Celtic would reach the final and, on the eve of the final, I stand by that prediction†— Commentator ARCHIE McPHERSON. “I have a number of alternatives, and each one gives me something different†— GLENN HODDLE. “If Aston Villa do get a point from this, it will improve their points total†— Commentator TONY GUBBA. “We probably got on better with the likes of Holland, Belgium, Norway and Sweden, some of whom are not even European†— JACK CHARLTON. “Football’s football. If that weren’t the case, it wouldn’t be the game that it is†— GARTH CROOKS. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ronaldo Posted June 10, 2006 Report Share Posted June 10, 2006 Here is a great joke from a pre modern man George Burns - Click Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pezza70 Posted June 15, 2006 Report Share Posted June 15, 2006 The England camp has been thrown into turmoil over the availability of star striker Wayne Rooney. Rooney has been told he can play in the World Cup if he gets a Cortisone Injection. When David Beckham heard the news, he immediately declared "If that fat tosser gets a new car, then I'm not playing til I do too" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted June 16, 2006 Author Report Share Posted June 16, 2006 The England camp has been thrown into turmoil over the availability of star striker Wayne Rooney. Rooney has been told he can play in the World Cup if he gets a Cortisone Injection. When David Beckham heard the news, he immediately declared "If that fat tosser gets a new car, then I'm not playing til I do too" I posted this at the top of the page Pezza Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tranmere Saintee Posted June 16, 2006 Report Share Posted June 16, 2006 I posted this at the top of the page Pezza Come on now Kevin - remember Pezza is upside-down compared with us Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted June 16, 2006 Author Report Share Posted June 16, 2006 Come on now Kevin - remember Pezza is upside-down compared with us Yes TH, you're quite right Pezza, I posted this at the bottom of the page.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pezza70 Posted June 16, 2006 Report Share Posted June 16, 2006 Yes TH, you're quite right Doesnt come up on my page, doesnt matter thought, wasnt really funny the first time, Ive just made it even less appealing Pezza, I posted this at the bottom of the page.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StDuncM Posted June 20, 2006 Report Share Posted June 20, 2006 A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!" Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my backyard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!" "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
perthsaint1884 Posted June 21, 2006 Report Share Posted June 21, 2006 To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment to work on his tan. Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude but fell asleep and burned his penis. Not wanting to miss out on his date with the hot blonde, he applied some ointment to his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. The blonde showed up at his apartment and after dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, the young man's sunburn began to hurt. After several minutes of extreme discomfort, he asked to be excused. A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain. So he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk. He experienced immediate relief. The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen and found him with his shaft fully immersed in the glass of milk. With a look of understanding the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you load those things!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hazel1884 Posted June 22, 2006 Report Share Posted June 22, 2006 Sven-Goran Eriksson is on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' and has reached the £1 million question. Chris Tarrant says, "Right Sven, this is for £1 million, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time. "Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a Set? "Is it. a) a badger, a ferret, c) a mole or d) a cuckoo?" Sven ponders for a while and says, "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure. I'll have to go 50-50." "Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with. 'Badger' and 'Cuckoo' are the two remaining answers." Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says, "No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend." So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris. "Hmmm, I think I'll call David Beckham." So Tarrant phones David Beckham. "David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'. I've got Sven-Goran Eriksson here, and with your help he could win £1 million. The next voice you hear will be Sven's." "Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a set? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?" "It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation. "You sure, son?" says Sven. "Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely." "Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger. "Final answer, Sven?" "Final answer, Chris." "That's the correct answer. You've won £1 million!" Cue wild celebrations. Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across. "Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how the heck did you know that a badger lives in a set?" "Oh I didn't, boss..." replies Beckham, .......... ( SCROLL DOWN YOU'LL LIKE THIS) "... But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hazel1884 Posted June 22, 2006 Report Share Posted June 22, 2006 A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the autobahn. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window nd asks, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped 3 England football commentators. They're asking for a £10 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection." "How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks. "About a gallon" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pezza70 Posted June 22, 2006 Report Share Posted June 22, 2006 A young aussie couple on their honeymoon are driving through the countryside in New Zealand. They are lost and stop by a farm house to get directions, they knock on the door and there is no answer so they walk around the back of the house and see the farmer chock a block up a sheep going for his life. The aussie male says to the farmer "hey mate, in Australia we shear our sheep" The farmer turns around and says "I'm not shearing this with anybody" Sorry about that, if you have heard a new zealand accent you will get it, if you havent one before then I have just wasted 30 seconds of your life which you will never get back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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