Fair Maid Posted May 11, 2011 Report Share Posted May 11, 2011 Guy has just come out of the hospital after a sex change and goes for a drink with his old mates. one of them asks "so did it hurt when they chopped off your meat and two veg?" He/she replies " Feck yeah but I'll tell you not half as much as when they shrank my brain and widened my mouth!!!" :evil: St Pom or whoever you are, I think this one was being directed at you!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fair Maid Posted May 11, 2011 Report Share Posted May 11, 2011 The Government has said they are thinking of giving a new Bank Holiday to celebrate the death of Bin Laden....... So come on everyone lets all sing..... . . . . .We're all going on Osama... Starbucks has developed a new Coffee, called the Osama Bin Laden It has a white fluffy head with two shots in it. ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YHallSaint Posted May 11, 2011 Report Share Posted May 11, 2011 Kate McCann has a lovely tan at the moment. I guess it's because she's beeen lying in the sun all week Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fair Maid Posted May 11, 2011 Report Share Posted May 11, 2011 (edited) Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!' Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead beatle for the last thirty years. Kate goes up to the Queen and says “Ma’am, every time I suck William’s d!ck, I get acid indigestion.” The Queen replies “Have you tried ‘Andrews’?” Edited May 11, 2011 by Fair Maid Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Das Rave Posted May 13, 2011 Report Share Posted May 13, 2011 Kate asks the Queen her secret to a long and healthy life The Queen repies 'wear a seatbelt and don't p1ss me off' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stamford Saintee Posted May 13, 2011 Report Share Posted May 13, 2011 Just been to get a book from WHSmiths. An Idiots Guide to Parenting, or as it is more popularly known, Madeleine by Kate McCann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sjfc99 Posted May 14, 2011 Report Share Posted May 14, 2011 Tenerife? Wont beheading there! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tranmere Saintee Posted May 16, 2011 Report Share Posted May 16, 2011 The last thing Celtic said in their huddle on Sunday - "Shit, Rangers are 1 - 0 up!!". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fair Maid Posted May 17, 2011 Report Share Posted May 17, 2011 What did the leper say to the prostitute? "Keep the tip". What is the difference between a bonus, and a pen!s? The wife will always blow your bonus. How did Jon Pertwee's wife find out that he'd died? She woke up next to Tom Baker. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deej Posted May 26, 2011 Report Share Posted May 26, 2011 Went out for some Italian food yesterday, but got stuck behind a fat woman. Couldn't get pasta. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edstar101 Posted May 26, 2011 Report Share Posted May 26, 2011 What a career Ryan Giggs has had... he has been in 4 Champions League Finals, 7 FA Cup finals, 3 Carling Cup Finals and 1 Big Brother Quarter Finalist Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
541ntees Posted May 26, 2011 Report Share Posted May 26, 2011 Rumour has it , Imogen Thomas is trying to break into the music industry, she's been doing gigs in manchesterfor the past 6months Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
208saint Posted May 26, 2011 Report Share Posted May 26, 2011 Boy walks into a pub and asks for a pint of lager, but makes it clear it can't be Stella The barman asks why not Stella? Boy says "last time I was on that stuff I ended up f*@&ing skint" Barman replies "no mate it's ok Stella is on special and it's the same price as most of the other lagers available" Boy says "no mate you don't understand, my dogs called skint" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stamford Saintee Posted June 3, 2011 Report Share Posted June 3, 2011 Just bought the DVD of "Con Air" Thought I was getting a documentry of Ryanair! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1 Perth Saint Posted June 4, 2011 Report Share Posted June 4, 2011 Random joke I heard: Q. How do crazy people go through the forest? A. They take the psycho path. :laugh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fair Maid Posted June 5, 2011 Report Share Posted June 5, 2011 A Scotsman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his mobile. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Scottish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks....like I said - my boy's a typical Highland baby boy.." Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.. The bartender says, "Say,you're the father of that typical Scottish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.....so how much does he weigh now? The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds". The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born." The father takes a slow swig from his Johnny Walker Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fair Maid Posted June 5, 2011 Report Share Posted June 5, 2011 A man is stopped by the police around 1 AM and is asked where he was going at this late hour. The man replies, "I am going to attend a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body and social relations".... The officer then asks, "Really? Who on earth is giving such a lecture at this time of night?" The man replies simply, "My wife" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lang toon saintie Posted June 5, 2011 Report Share Posted June 5, 2011 (edited) I was in Tescos at the checkout.The girl swiped my single pint of milk,my meal for one,my half loaf,my individual fruit trifle,and my can of coke.She looked at me and said. "you live on your own do`nt you"? I said "how did you work that out Einstein"? she replied "cos your one ugly b******"! Edited June 5, 2011 by lang toon saintie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fair Maid Posted June 7, 2011 Report Share Posted June 7, 2011 What do incestuous americans do on Halloween? pumpkin .............. Q: What's the difference between a magician and a stripper? A: One has a cunning stunt... ............... If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course ..... at least he'll shut up after you let him in .................. A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had s*x over and over again, all the positions, everything. His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?" "Oh, no: I never found her head." .................... A woman is in hospital in need of a blood transfusion. Luckily her husband has the same blood type as her, so he gave her 2 pints of his blood. She soon made a full recovery and the couple lived happily on. 15 years later, they divorce and the man asked for EVERYTHING back, including the blood. So, She whipped out her bloody tampon and put it in his hand. "WHAT THE f**k ARE YOU DOING??" the bloke yelled, "Paying you back in monthly installments!!" ...................... Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end? A.) So men can be open minded. ...................... Q.) What's the speed limit of sex? A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around ...................... Q.) How can you tell when a mechanic has just had sex? A.) One of his fingers are clean. ...................... Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers? A.) Melt them down make a tyre, and call it a Goodyear. ..................... Never date cross-eyed people ’cause they’re always seeing someone on the side ..................... A blind man goes into a bar and orders a drink. He sits on a bar stool for a few minutes then says to the woman behind the bar; "Here, I’ve got a great blonde joke I want to tell you…" "Hold it," says the woman behind the bar, "before you say anything I should let you know that I’m 6’3", 250lbs, in my spare time I wrestle crocodiles, and I’ve been known to have a short temper, and I’m blonde. The woman sat on the stool to your left is a retired shot putter, her nickname is ‘ox’, and she blonde. The woman sat on your right is the national female kick boxing champion, and she’s in a bad mood today. She’s blonde too. Now that you know that, do you still want to tell your joke?" He takes a huge mouthful of beer, then replies; "No, I don’t think so. I don’t want to have to explain it three times." ...................... Welsh International footballer Ryan Giggs today admitted to suffering from homesickness. He is quoted as saying he is happy in Manchester but he does Miss Wales occasionally. ......................... Prince William said he didn't want a traditional fruitcake at his wedding. . . . . . . .but Prince Philip took no notice and still turned up! ......................... Couple having s*x in the garden at night. He says "I wish i had a torch" she says "So do I, you've been licking that slug on the grass for the last ten minutes" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fair Maid Posted June 9, 2011 Report Share Posted June 9, 2011 Did you hear about the snail that walked into the bar? He was kicked out due to the policy of having snails in the bar. A few months later he comes by once again and asks the bartender, “What was that for!?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ANDY5565 Posted June 10, 2011 Report Share Posted June 10, 2011 a man is in an hotel lobby. As he turns he accidently bumps into a blond woman and as he dose,his elbow hits her tits. They are both startled.The man turns to her and says, "Madam if your heart is soft as are your paps, i ken you will forgive moi". Elle replies,"If yer prique is hard as yer elbow Ged,im in room 5565 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stamford Saintee Posted June 10, 2011 Report Share Posted June 10, 2011 Top five footballers of this season named. Giggs Cort Given Thomas De Koch Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fair Maid Posted June 10, 2011 Report Share Posted June 10, 2011 Pippa Middleton's arse is like a J.K Rowling book. You just know Harry's gonna be in it!! What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? A. Full up I met this Aussie with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Abbariginal. I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened.. I said 'I careered off the road' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fair Maid Posted June 10, 2011 Report Share Posted June 10, 2011 (edited) A kid keeps onto his father about getting his own telly for his bedroom, and so, he final gives in and gets him a 17"TV. A couple of days later the kid comes down to the living room and asks his dad "Whats LoveJuice ?" The old man is taking aback, but, sitting the kid on his knee he explains the facts of life to an amazed and openmouthed kid. After 30 minutes, the father asks if understands all this, and, being as discreet as he can, asks the boy what he watching on his new TV. "Tennis" says the boy. * TEXT MESSAGE * Can 1 of yous guys pick me up at the hospital at 5 o'clock; I've had alittle accident. I bought myself a new deodorant stick this morning. Instructions said "Take off top, and push up bottom". Still in casualty at the moment. Went into the chemist yesterday and saw some geezer looking very white and "holding" onto the wall. "Whats wrong with him" I said. The chemist said "He came in for cough syrup, but we'd run out,so I gave him an entire box of laxitives". "Pratt", I said, "You can't treat a cough with laxitives". "Of course you can" says the chemist, "Look at him now. He's afraid to cough". A binman is on his rounds and one house hasn't left their bin out. He knocks on the door, no response. Knocks again and a couple of minutes later a chinese guy answers the door. "Where's your bin?" says the binmam. "Oh sorry me been in the bath" he replies. Sensing the language barrier the binman asks "No sorry, I meant where's your wheely bin?" The shame-faced reply was "Oh ok, I really been having a w*nk! A woman drops off her dress at the cleaners. The lady behind the counter says "Come again." The woman replies, "No, it's ice cream you nosey bitch! "Doctor, Doctor, every morning I find myself singing 'The Green Green Grass of Home', then at lunchtime I can't stop humming 'Delilah' and all night I sing 'Sex Bomb'." "You have Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it rare?" "It's Not Unusual..." Two scots Archie & Jimmy, are discussing Jimmy's wedding. "Och, it's all goin' brilliant," says Jimmy. "A've got everythin' sorted, the fluers, church, cuars, reception, rings, meenister, even ma stag night". Archie nods approvingly. "I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy. "A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "You'll look smairt. Whit's the tartan?" "Och," says Jimmy, "she'll be in white!" It was entertainment night at the Old Folks Home. Harry the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.' The excitement was almost electric as Harry withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. 'I want each one of you to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.' He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting: 'Watch the watch, watch the watch now, and watch the watch, now...' The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's finger and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces. 'SHIT!' said the Hypnotist. ...They staff are still cleaning the mess of the floor 3 days later!!! Edited June 10, 2011 by Fair Maid Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StDuncM Posted June 12, 2011 Report Share Posted June 12, 2011 The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil. ......................................... My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk and never came back! I asked him how he was coping and he said,"Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff. ............................................... The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife. They said, "Is this your wife, sir?" Shocked, I answered, " Yes." They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus." I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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