Nuggets Posted October 8, 2011 Report Share Posted October 8, 2011 Gareth Bale becomes the first white player to complain to FIFA due to opposition fans monkey chants. Liking that one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HOODLUM65 Posted October 8, 2011 Report Share Posted October 8, 2011 i failed an occupational Health + Safety test today @ work. 1 of the questions was,"in the event of a fire,what steps would you take?" apparently..."fuquing bick ones", wasn't a good reponse." Old hat or what? Stick to your day job Andy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myDarlingBeefeater Posted October 9, 2011 Report Share Posted October 9, 2011 Walked past Kevin Webster's garage earlier... he was working on a 15 year old escort. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StDuncM Posted October 11, 2011 Report Share Posted October 11, 2011 Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.' The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.' The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.' The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.' But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wish i was Joe McGurn Posted October 13, 2011 Report Share Posted October 13, 2011 Guy walks into a butchers and asks for a mince round. Butcher replies, hurry up then I close in 5 minutes " will you get it this time mogs ?? " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fair Maid Posted October 14, 2011 Report Share Posted October 14, 2011 A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The shopkeeper said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... the Magic Penis!' The husband said, 'The what'? The shopkeeper repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo. The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!' The shopkeeper then pointed to the door and said,'Magic Penis, door!' The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding way at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle. The shopkeeper commanded, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to its' box. The husband bought it and took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my vagina.' The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A Police Officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.' The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right... Magic Penis, my arse!' The rest, as they say, is history.!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ANDY5565 Posted October 20, 2011 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 a man suspected his wife of having an affair with another man,so he hired the services of the infamous Chineese private dective Chen Lee to follow and report any activites whilst he was gone on a buisness trip. A few days later he recieved this.. most honrobale sir: u leave house i watch house he cum to house. i watch he + she leave house. i follow he + she go to Hotel. i climb tree i look at window he kiss she she kissed he he strip she she strips he he play with she she plays with he i play with me..i fuquing fell out of treee..now i no fuquing see! no fee merci Chin Lee Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
208saint Posted October 20, 2011 Report Share Posted October 20, 2011 I was at the bank machine earlier and the wee old woman in front of me asked me if I would check her balance for her, so I did and pushed her over Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kilgour Posted October 24, 2011 Report Share Posted October 24, 2011 Apparently Aberdeen s new stadium is to be called the...............Ewe Camp !! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wish i was Joe McGurn Posted October 24, 2011 Report Share Posted October 24, 2011 Apparently Aberdeen s new stadium is to be called the...............Ewe Camp !! That's baaaaaaaaaaaaaad Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SingaporeSaint Posted October 31, 2011 Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 From Off the Ball on BBC.......... Anon said: "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and sings Give Me The Moonlight? Frankie Prawn." Andy said: "A guy was found behind the counter at Pizza Hut covered in cheese, onion, pepperoni, tomatoes, chillies and flakes of tuna. It's believed he topped himself." Alan said: "Barry Ferguson walked into a library and asked for a fish supper. 'This is a library!' said the girl at the desk. Barry apologised and whispered: 'Can I have a fish supper?'" Jules in Glasgow said: "Why do the French never eat two eggs? Because one egg is un oeuf." (Don't worry, Stuart explained it to Tam...) Ian from Killie said: "Tam, I was going to make a banoffi pie, but I've bin awfy busy." (That one doesn't seem as funny written down...) Jim in Glasgow said: "A wee jar of French mustard dumped a wee jar of English mustard. She gave him a Dijon letter..." Michael in Livingston said: "I was in a Vietnamese restaurant recently and I had the meatballs. They really were the dog's b------s." Angela said: "A steak pie walked into a bar and the barman said: 'Sorry, mate, we don't serve food in here.'" Steven in Battlefield said: "Did you hear about the guy who drowned in a bowl of muesili? He got pulled under by a strong currant." But our favourite of the afternoon came from Wee Abbie, a seven-year-old listener (which means she's far too mature for Off The Ball) who said: "What did the grape say after the elephant sat on it? Nothing - it just let out a little wine." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wish i was Joe McGurn Posted October 31, 2011 Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 A zoo keeper gets raped by an elephant, and he's rushed to hospital for treatment. The doctor examines him and asks why his arse has been stretched out 10 inches when an elephant's penis is only 4ins wide. Weeping, the man says "The dirty b****** fingered me first." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myDarlingBeefeater Posted October 31, 2011 Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 I've been up all night reading e-books. Talk about burning the kindle at both ends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ANDY5565 Posted November 11, 2011 Report Share Posted November 11, 2011 naked man looking at a mirror says to his wife," why is it when i look at myself naked i get a hard dong?" wife replies," thats because your cock thinks you are a kunt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
john.w Posted November 11, 2011 Report Share Posted November 11, 2011 Wee boy says to his Dad why does mum send us to K.F.C for our tea, Dad replies Kant Feckin Cook Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kilgour Posted November 15, 2011 Report Share Posted November 15, 2011 Wife enquires what her man is doing on the computer and he replies " Oh just checkiing cheap flights !" To which she says oh I do love you and after ripping open his zip proceeds to give him an amazing BJ. The guy goes thats brilliant...................."Its the first time I knew you liked darts " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HOODLUM65 Posted November 15, 2011 Report Share Posted November 15, 2011 Wife enquires what her man is doing on the computer and he replies " Oh just checkiing cheap flights !" To which she says oh I do love you and after ripping open his zip proceeds to give him an amazing BJ. The guy goes thats brilliant...................."Its the first time I knew you liked darts " :laugh::laugh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babychunder Posted November 15, 2011 Report Share Posted November 15, 2011 Q: What does a Dundee girl use to protect herself when having sex? A: A bus shelter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ANDY5565 Posted November 24, 2011 Report Share Posted November 24, 2011 reality is a crutch for people who cant't handle drugs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wish i was Joe McGurn Posted November 26, 2011 Report Share Posted November 26, 2011 The new Meryl Streep film about the life of Thatcher has been given a 15 certificate. Unsuitable for minors Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stamford Saintee Posted November 29, 2011 Report Share Posted November 29, 2011 A woman on a tram in South London racially abused all the passengers, while her toddler sat on her lap. I think it's a disgrace. She didn't even shake their hands afterwards. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HOODLUM65 Posted November 29, 2011 Report Share Posted November 29, 2011 one sunday morning the Vicar decided to do things a little differently. he said today in church I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever word I say, I want you to sing out whatever hymn comes into your mind. He says I will start you off with "cross" Immediately the congregation started singing in unison "The Old Rugged Cross" The Vicar then said "Power". The congregation burst into "There is POWER in the blood" He continued by saying "Grace". Straight away they were belting out "Amazing Grace" His next word was "SEX". Everyone was in shock and nervously looked at each other in dismay, afraid to say anything. After a few minutes hush, a little old 87 year old grandma stood up and began to sing "MEMORIES." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perth-Saint Posted December 12, 2011 Report Share Posted December 12, 2011 - hahaha. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MySpazz Posted December 16, 2011 Report Share Posted December 16, 2011 I phoned my work this morning and said, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough." Doc says, "You have a wee cough?" ....................."Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HOODLUM65 Posted December 16, 2011 Report Share Posted December 16, 2011 I phoned my work this morning and said, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough." Doc says, "You have a wee cough?" ....................."Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!" sorry Spazz, but this one has whiskers on it.:cry: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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