ANDY5565 Posted December 21, 2011 Report Share Posted December 21, 2011 not only " lifes a bitch " it has puppies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ejksjfc Posted December 21, 2011 Report Share Posted December 21, 2011 :)What do you have if you have 23 old firm fans up to thier necks in sand?...................................................................... Not enough sand!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fair Maid Posted December 30, 2011 Report Share Posted December 30, 2011 A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street . When he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car! 'What's up Jimmy?' he asks. 'Piston broke,' he replies. 'Aye, same as masel..." ---------------------------------------- Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement? He's awa' noo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kilgour Posted December 30, 2011 Report Share Posted December 30, 2011 The old cracker jokes are a separate thread Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HOODLUM65 Posted December 30, 2011 Report Share Posted December 30, 2011 The old cracker jokes are a separate thread couldn't agree more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ancientsaint Posted December 30, 2011 Report Share Posted December 30, 2011 Little Johnny walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts. Worried about what her son has seen she dress’s quickly and goes to find him. Little Johnny sees his mom and asks "What were you and dad doing?" The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "You’re wasting your time," say’s Little Johnny. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled. "Well, when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
henryhallsdanceband Posted December 30, 2011 Report Share Posted December 30, 2011 couldn't agree more. It's a Chic Murray joke. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HOODLUM65 Posted December 31, 2011 Report Share Posted December 31, 2011 Well!.. Didn't realise it was THAT old. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kilgour Posted January 14, 2012 Report Share Posted January 14, 2012 How did the chicken cross the road ? ................in Anthony Worral-Thomson s pocket. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ANDY5565 Posted January 14, 2012 Report Share Posted January 14, 2012 FFS, i got arrested yesterday for urinating in a can of beer....and to top it all the fuquers done me for being in possesion of cannopiss! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fair Maid Posted January 18, 2012 Report Share Posted January 18, 2012 I asked my Aberdonian friend how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting and then bizarrely fell asleep. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fair Maid Posted January 29, 2012 Report Share Posted January 29, 2012 A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. You all have obsessions,' he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.' He turned to the second Mum, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.' He turned to the third Mum, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.' At this point, the fourth mum, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on d***, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick Willy up from school and go home. ................ (Apologies in advance if this offends anyone) George Michael has sympathised with the Captain of the stricken Italian Liner saying "I'm often left abandoned and lying on my side with a badly damaged bottom and dead seamen inside me after a nights cruising" ...................................... I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fair Maid Posted January 29, 2012 Report Share Posted January 29, 2012 My girlfriend just caught me blow drying my pen1s and asked what I was doing. Apparently "heating your dinner" was not the right answer.............. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fair Maid Posted February 12, 2012 Report Share Posted February 12, 2012 A Piece of Black Tarmac walks into a bar and shouts, ' I'm the hardest b***ard in here'. Barman says 'Calm down mate, of course you are, you're a piece of tarmac!' Then a piece of Red tarmac walks in and says ' I'll fight any f**cker here. Who wants a beating?' Black Tarmac stays silent. The barman says to the Black tarmac 'Why didn't you say anything? I thought you wanted a fight?' Black tarmac replies 'I'm not messing with that f**ker, he's a f**king cyclepath!!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stamford Saintee Posted February 13, 2012 Report Share Posted February 13, 2012 What's black, lies on the floor, "Will always love you" and has white stuff around it's nose? A Border Collie. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abernethy Saint Posted February 14, 2012 Report Share Posted February 14, 2012 Rangers FC. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SingaporeSaint Posted February 14, 2012 Report Share Posted February 14, 2012 Boom boom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abernethy Saint Posted February 14, 2012 Report Share Posted February 14, 2012 Conjunctivitus.com That's a site for sore eyes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wish i was Joe McGurn Posted February 14, 2012 Report Share Posted February 14, 2012 Conjunctivitus.com That's a site for sore eyes. Yer no *** vine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myDarlingBeefeater Posted February 14, 2012 Report Share Posted February 14, 2012 What's 6 inches long and won't get sucked this valentine's day? Whitney's crack pipe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
null vier Posted February 14, 2012 Report Share Posted February 14, 2012 What have spiders and Whitney Houston got in common? They're black and can't get out of the bath. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deej Posted February 15, 2012 Report Share Posted February 15, 2012 What's black, lies on the floor, will always love you, and has white stuff round its nose? A border collie. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BLUE MAGIC Posted February 15, 2012 Report Share Posted February 15, 2012 who's idea was it to put an S in the word LISP???? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abernethy Saint Posted February 16, 2012 Report Share Posted February 16, 2012 Skeleton walks into a bar. Orders a pint and a mop. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abernethy Saint Posted February 16, 2012 Report Share Posted February 16, 2012 Yer no *** vine I'm a non-believer actually, and my name isn't vine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.