Jokes

[HOODLUM65]

Man. Utd . are bringing out a Van Persie tea tray.

Apparently it can carry 10 mugs.

[canuck_saint]

my next door neighbour started banging on my front door at 2.30am last night.

really pounding on the door.

WTF bangs on their neighbours door at 2.30am???

Luckily i was still up playing my drums.

[ANDY5565]

just finished doing a tupperware inventory : 14 round tubs and 3 square lids

[chips]

Bill Roache,Rolf Harris,Micheal le Vell,Freddie Starr and now Staurt Hall........This years prison pantomime is gonna be fecking hilarious !!!!

[HOODLUM65]

Just met a girl with "Guess" on her T shirt.

After thinking about it, I said " Implants"

[HOODLUM65]

Saw a stream coming out of a distillery .

Two drunks , one dipped his finger in and put it in

his mouth. " Scotch" he proclaimed.

His mate repeated the action and exclaimed " Aye, terrier".

[ANDY5565]

a stream flowing from a distillery

2 drunks see it and 1 pokes his finger in the stream and tastes it

'Scotch?', asks his pal

'Aye, Terrier!'

[HOODLUM65]

a stream flowing from a distillery

2 drunks see it and 1 pokes his finger in the stream and tastes it

'Scotch?', asks his pal

'Aye, Terrier!'

====

It's how You tell 'em Andy.

[HOODLUM65]

A guy walks into a bar with a 10foot alligator.

The barman flips out and says you can't bring that in here, it might bite my customers.

The guy says No,no,,no, it's a tame alligator, I'll prove it to you.

He undoes his zipper and puts his tackle in the alligators mouth.

The alligator keeps his mouth open for about 5 minutes, before the guy puts his tackle away.

There you are says the guy, told you it was tame. Would anyone else like to try?

Just then the drunk at the end of the bar pipes up, here mate, I'd like a go but,...........................

I don't think I'll be able to keep my mouth open that long.

[babychunder]

G'day mate Fosters Helpline here.

Yeah please help, guys I'm in Oz with the girlfriend and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, now her fannys's completely closed up, what shall I do

Bummer mate.

Ok thanks, that's what I was thinking too.

[Saintdunc]

A policeman spots a black guy dancing on the roof of a car.

He radios for backup, saying... "I've got a darkie dancing on a Volkswagen."

"You can't say that over the radio." replies the operator "You have to use politically correct terminology."

"OK" he says "Zulu.... Tango.... Golf...."

[Saintdunc]

Dad walking down the street with his son when a bee lands on the path in front of them, little boy runs up and stamps on the bee.

Dad says "son that was a disgraceful thing to do, right no honey for you for a week".

They carry on down the road when a butterfly lands on the path, the little boy runs up to it and STAMP one dead butterfly.

Dad says "son that was a disgraceful thing to do, right no butter for you for two week".

Later that day they are sat in the kitchen whilst mum is cooking when all of a sudden a cockroach runs across the kitchen floor, the mum shrieks and stamps on the roach squashing it flat.

The little boy turns to his dad and says "right dad who's telling her you or me?."

[HOODLUM65]

Teacher asks Lachlan where was Anne Bolyn beheaded.

Straight away Lachlan answers, below the chin Miss.

[HOODLUM65]

Johnny asks his Dad, is it true that we came from dust and when we die we return to dust.

Dad says, that's correct Johnny.

Johnny says, well you'll better have a look under my bed , cos there's someone either coming or going.

[babychunder]

What's the difference between karate and judo?

Karate is used for self defence and judo is used to make bagels.

[babychunder]

Watching that Cheryl Cole documentary on the TV during the week.........

Me: "Your'e the double of that Cheryl Cole you know."

Her: "Ooooh, do you really think so Darling?"

Me: "Yeah She's 8 stone and your 16 stone ya fat cow."

[south inch]

Annoying pest comes into pub and starts making karate moves.  " Great this karate I'm learning" he says and eventually to stop him showing off anymore he is asked to demonstrate.  He picks out a harmless wee man quietly drinking a pint and asks him to help him show a move or two.  Before the wee man gets a chance to reply the pest goes "ah so haya" and wallop the wee guy's on the floor out cold.  "When he comes round tell him that was a Nagasaki glide" says the pest.

 

Next night he's in again, same routine, picks on the same wee man wallop he's out cold again.  "Tell him that was a Hiroshima chop when he comes to" says the pest.

 

Next night the pest is in again, he goes up to the bar to order a pint when wallop this time its him who is out cold.  Behind him is the wee man, "when he comes round" he says "tell the prick that was a Toyota starting handle". 

[Saintdunc]

Joe is sitting on a train across from a

busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realises he is staring and

inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over

and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

[south inch]

In the days before the US saw the light Rastus is in court in Alabama accused of failing to pay a white prostitute her dues.  The judge asks him to state his defence.  "Well Judge" says Rastus "Ah's walking in de park when ah meets this white lady.  She says to me " black boy does you want sexual intercourse?".  Ah says ah don't mind if ah do and she asks me how much money ah's got.  Ah says ah's got one dollar and she says to me for one dollar you can have one inch.  Well judge ah's lying there enjoying mah one inch when along comes this white man and he says "you dirty black b******" and kicks me in the arse and up goes mah bill to $11.95!"

[chips]

Three sisters ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night, the 96 year old starts a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. "Was I getting in or out of the bath??"

The 94 year old yells back, "I dont know, but I'll come up and see!" She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down??"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells to her sisters, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door!"

[Fair Maid]

Bulb popped in the bathroom.

Really looking forward to tonight though.

I'm going to P in the Dark.

[Saintdunc]

One for the medics and first aiders amongst us.

A woman sitting in a restaurant in Scotland suddenly began to cough.

After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress

Two locals, MacKenzie and MacDonald sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Kin ye swallae ? Asked MacKenzie.

The woman signalled 'No!' , desperately shaking her head.

Kin ye breathe ? Asked MacDonald.

The woman shook her head NO !!!

With that, MacKenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue

up and down the crack of her a**e.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm, that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again. MacKenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

MacDonald said in admiration, 'Ye ken MacKenzie, I'd heard of that bloody 'Hind Lick Manoeuvre', but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it'!

[Saintdunc]

A government minister was seated next to a little girl on an aeroplane so he turned to her and said,

"Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger,

"What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the politician. "How about global warming, fast broadband or the Refugee situation?"

he said, smiling smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer

all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a

horse produces clumps.

Why do you suppose that is?"

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, with typical Labor wisdom

"Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss refugees, computers, or climate change,

when you don't know shit ?"

Then she went back to reading her book.

[fazman1977]

When I heard about Rangers' burnt out coach I assumed they meant Ally McCoist.

[MySpazz]

Government wants porn curbs. But won't that just lead to an increase in road humps?