Jokes

[Mike]

Why did the baker have dirty hands?

 

He was kneading a jobby.

[ANDY5565]

a preist,peado,rapist,drunkard walks into a pub and the bar man ....threw the fuquer out

[uphallsaint]

My son lost 4 teeth yesterday. I waited until he was sound asleep and crept into his room and put a £20 note and a note under his pillow.

The note said "You'll never make it as a professional boxer son."

[Saintdunc]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your Son,

Johnny

P.S. - Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

[HOODLUM65]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your Son,

Johnny

P.S. - Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

==============================

Brill.

[Fair Maid]

What has two wings and a halo?

 

A Japanese phone. 

 

"Wing, Wing", "Halo"

[Edstar101]

What's the busiest time for appointments at the Chinese dentist?

 

Tooth-hurty

[rik2304]

What's the busiest time for appointments at the Chinese dentist?

 

Tooth-hurty

 

1987 called. It wants its joke back 

[Saintdunc]

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Dublin were

Listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We

Are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on

The even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow ploughs can get through.

"So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they were eating breakfast again, when the radio announcer

Said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your

Car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get

through.

"The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer

Said, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...."

Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a

Worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do.

Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get

Through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are

Married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave

The bloody car in the garage this time."

I didn't see it coming either!

[Saintdunc]

At dawn one morning in an apartment in Knightsbridge, London, the telephone rings,

"Hello, is that you Señor Iain? This is me … Manual, the caretaker of your villa in Portugal."

"Ah yes, Manual, what can I do for you? Is there a problem?Why are you phoning me so damn early in the morning"

"Um, I am just calling to tell you Señor, your parrot, he is dead!"

"What, my parrot, dead? The parrot that I recently won the international parrot competition with? That one!!"

"Si, Señor, that the one."

"Damn, this is terrible! I spent a small fortune on that bird. I’m now so mad.. what did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Señor."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"Your thoroughbred horse, Señor Iain."

"My prize thoroughbred that just won at Ascot… he is dead?"

"Si, yes Señor, that is the one. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? A thoroughbred pulling a water cart! What water cart?"

"The one we used to bring the water from the lake to put out the fire, Señor."

"Good Lord man! What fire are you talking about?"

"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell from the mantelpiece and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my villa has been destroyed… er, because of a candle?!"

"Si, Señor."

"But there's electricity at the house! What the hell was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Señor Iain."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Señor Iain. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G20, 204g titanium head golf club, you know the one with that graphite shaft."

SILENCE...........

LONG SILENCE.........

VERY LONG SILENCE…………

"Manual, if you broke my driver, you're fu**’n deep in the sh*t."

[ANDY5565]

if you want to open pandoras box, serve her tequila!

[south inch]

A German teacher is teaching his pupils English.  They are fine with the basics but are having difficulty with words which are similar in sound but different in meaning.  The teacher has devoted today's lesson to the difference between Probable and Possible. 

 

Finishing his explanation he asks Hans, his favoured pupil, to give him a sentence using the word Probable.  Hans says " on my way to class I am passing the Music Room and am seeing my sister Heidi - the one who looks like Maria Sharapova - standing by the piano with Herr Schultz the Music teacher and I am thinking it is probable that Herr Schultz is going to give Heidi a music lesson."  Ignoring Hans' poor English expression the teacher says "very good".

 

Turning to Otto, the class dunce, he asks for a sentence using Possible.  "Vell" says Otto, whose English is even worse, "I too am valking past ze Music Room a few moments later und I am seeing Heidi on top off the piano with her knickers at her ankles und her skirt at her waist und Herr Shultz is standing in front of her with his penis in his hand und I am thinking it is possible that Herr Schultz is about to piss on the piano."

[Saintdunc]

THE AFGHAN FOOTBALLER.......

The Dunee manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football.

He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.

Two weeks later Dundee are 2-0 down to Hamilton with only 20 minutes

left. The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation. He scores 3 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game

for Dundee. The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are

delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his

first day in Scottish football.

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were

2 - 0 down but I scored 3, they call it a hat-trick, and we won.

Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love me.'

'Just wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day …

Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and

assaulted, she would have been raped but for a passing police vehicle.

Your brother has joined a local gang of looters and set fire to some

buildings and all while you tell me that you were having a great time!!'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.'

Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum.

'It's your bloody fault we came to live in Dundee in the first place!'

[babychunder]

In similar vein, except set in the Kingdom of Fife (yes they do teach the kids English there too folks).

 

Teacher : "Give me a sentence with the word contagious in it"

 

Boy 1 : "I took a plaster aff ma hand and flung it on the flair, ma ma said tae pick it up as it might be contagious"

 

Teacher : "Very good"

 

Boy 2 : "Yistirday ah wis walkin doon the road wi ma da and we seen this boay pentin' a door wi a wan inch bruch, and ma da says 'Yaboysur, that'll tak that cuntages'"

A German teacher is teaching his pupils English.  They are fine with the basics but are having difficulty with words which are similar in sound but different in meaning.  The teacher has devoted today's lesson to the difference between Probable and Possible. 

 

Finishing his explanation he asks Hans, his favoured pupil, to give him a sentence using the word Probable.  Hans says " on my way to class I am passing the Music Room and am seeing my sister Heidi - the one who looks like Maria Sharapova - standing by the piano with Herr Schultz the Music teacher and I am thinking it is probable that Herr Schultz is going to give Heidi a music lesson."  Ignoring Hans' poor English expression the teacher says "very good".

 

Turning to Otto, the class dunce, he asks for a sentence using Possible.  "Vell" says Otto, whose English is even worse, "I too am valking past ze Music Room a few moments later und I am seeing Heidi on top off the piano with her knickers at her ankles und her skirt at her waist und Herr Shultz is standing in front of her with his penis in his hand und I am thinking it is possible that Herr Schultz is about to piss on the piano."

Edited September 2, 2013 by babychunder

[Saintdunc]

Despite acts of great heroism, three British soldiers returned from the Falkland Islands without being decorated. The captain called them into his office to explain.

"Bit of a cock-up in the medals department, chaps," he said, "so the regiment has decided to give you ten pounds sterling for each inch of measurement between any two parts of your bodies. Private, which measurement for you?"

"Tip of me toes to the top of me head, sah!"

"That's 720 pounds. Well done, private. Corporal?"

"Tip of one hand to the tip of the other, me arms outstretched, sah!"

The captain took the measurement. "Six feet, two inches....740 pounds. Very good, corporal.

Sergeant, how about you?"

"Tip of me prick to me balls, sah!"

"Very well. Drop your trousers, then."

The captain put his tape measure at one end of the man's penis, then looked up and asked, "Where are your balls, Sergeant?"

"Goose Green, Falklands, sah!"

[Saintdunc]

Sean Connery was interviewed by Donahue, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Kylie Minogue, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Kylie said, "Sean, if I am not being too forward, I’d love to have sex with an older man. Let’s go back to my place." So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I’m sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and my d*** in your right hand." Kylie looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay". He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, "Kylie, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my balls in your left hand, and my d*** in your right hand." Kylie is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing. Once it’s all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Kylie asks "Sean, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your d*** in my right stimulate you while you’re sleeping?" Sean replies, "No, but the last time I slept with a slut from Melbourne, she stole my wallet."

[myDarlingBeefeater]

I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker but when I got home all the signs were there.

[south inch]

No offence intended with this one, I was at the red brick school myself.

 

In the days when Perth was heavily dependent on the railway a guy comes off a heavy shift at the Goods Yard and heads straight for the Caledonian.  He finds his entry blocked by a nun who shakes a collecting tin at him and says "don't go in there, drink is evil, put some of the money you would have spent in my tin to help the poor and spend the rest on your wife and family".  "Listen" says the guy "my wife does not grudge me a drink and my throat is like the Sahara so I'm going in".  "Please don't" pleads the nun "have a nice cup of tea with your wife when you get home".  Being too polite to say what he has in mind to do with his wife when he gets home the guy tries a different tack.  "No offence" he says "but who are you to tell me drink is evil.  Have you ever had a drink"?

 

"Of course not" says the nun "but everyone knows drink is evil so please don't go in".  "Look" says the guy " tell you what I'll do.  I'll go in there, get you a drink, you taste it and if you still think drink is evil after that I'll go straight home".  "I suppose that's fair enough" says the nun "I agree".  "Right" says the guy "what will you have"?  "How would I know" says the nun "what do women normally drink"?  "Gin" says the guy.  "Right get me a gin and I'll give you an honest answer" says the nun but as the guy heads into the Caley she calls him back, "oh get them to put it in a cup" she says "I wouldn't want any passerby to think I was drinking alcohol".

 

The guy heads in straight to the bar "a pint of heavy and a double gin please" he says "oh and put the double gin in a cup".  And the barman says

 

 

 

 

"is that bloody nun out there again"! 

[Saintdunc]

 

After a few pints down at the local, talk got round to who had the most expensive watch. I showed mine first.

"That's a Rolex Oyster, worth two and a half grand," I grinned.

My mate John smiled and proudly pointed to his wrist.

"This is a white gold Patek Phillipe. I paid the best part of twenty grand for it."

Dave rolled up his sleeve to show his watch.

"What do you think of that then? It cost me £200,000."

Me and John stared a while then I said, "Dave, Thats a Casio."

"I know," he sighed. "My ex-wife bought it for me then found it in her sister's bed."

[saint sid]

why do dundonians smell so bad?

 

so the blind can hate them aswell

[Gussie]

A bloke from Charlton walked into a Greenwich antique shop.

After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'

The owner replied: 'It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.'

The fellow gave the owner his £12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story!'

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the drains and begun following him.

This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed and ran on towards the Cutty Sark and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster and faster.

By now very concerned, he ran down to Greenwich Pier and threw the bronze rat as far out into The Thames as he could.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said, 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'

'Shit no!' said the bloke, ‘I came back to see if you've got a bronze Millwall supporter.’

[Gussie]

A fat kid comes home from school and says to his Mother, "I got the highest score in PE today."

"Well done," says his Mother.

"By the way Mum, what is BMI?"

[Saintdunc]

A blonde and a brunette are walking past a flower shop.

The brunette sees her boyfriend inside and says: "Oh no, my boyfriend is inside buying me flowers again."

The blonde asks: "Why is that so bad?"

The brunette says: "Every time he buys me flowers, he expects something in return and I don't feel like spending the entire weekend with my legs in the air."

The blonde asks: "Why, don't you have a vase?

[Saintdunc]

A Romanian, an Arab
and a Yorkshire Lass are in the same bar

When the Romanian finishes his beer he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says,'In Romania our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice' The Arab,
obviously impressed by this, drinks his non-alcoholic beer (cuz he's a Muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says 'In the Arab world, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either' The Yorkshire Lass, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer,downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her Colt 45 and shoots the Romanian and the Arab. Catching her glass and setting it on the bar and calling for a refill, she says 'In Yorkshire we have so many illegal immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice

Edited October 1, 2013 by Saintdunc

[sixties saintee]

The Tory Party Conference in Manchester